The Online Experience

April 7, 1996 (part 2)

I've been sitting on this rough, generic hotel couch for hours trying to write, trying to get any one of my emotions on paper, but nothings come; at least nothing good came. The rough balls of crumpled paper that littered the soft carpet around the room were all shrapnel of writing false starts. I couldn't focus and I couldn't shake my mind free long enough to let it wander into the fantastic, that place I'd sometimes push my mind to when the reality around me simple wasn't conducive to my craft. My abandoned room service tray still lays untouched, where the hotel employee had placed it at my request. Sydney was overwhelming my mind and I simply could not shake free of her. Throwing the pen across the room, I push a loud sigh from my lungs. Sure I didn't think our meeting would go smoothly, but I never imagined it would go as badly as it did. She didn't even want to hear my apology, didn't believe my apology, but I am so very sorry. Slipping my dominant hand back through my hair as the images from earlier today floated through my head and it was the raw, pained look on her face when she first saw me that stuck in my mind. The sharp sound of a knock at my door pulled me from my spiraling thoughts. Hopping off the couch and taking the few steps to the door, I opened it only to be met with that same sad looking face my mind had just been drowning in. She didn't look any happier than she had hours earlier, still I couldn't help but let the slightest twinge of excitement rush through me knowing she came to me; she sought me out on her own. We stood there completely silent for a few moments, each of us looking over the other. Sydney's slight frame covered in black yoga pants, a maroon hoodie with the university's initials scrawled across the front, and grey running shoes. At a glance, she looked like any college student you'd find wandering around any college town on any given day, but her face was etched with hurt, and she wasn't any college student. This was Sydney. My Sydney.

"I'm going for a drive," her voice soft and uncertain sounding, "you coming?" Giving her a wordless nod I turned back into the small room, stepping into my shoes and grabbing my jacket, before I followed her out into the night air to her car. Our drive was both silent and short before she pulled into what appeared to be a small park edged with trees at the top of what was likely the largest hill in this flat expense of land. Without a word she stepped out of her car and I followed behind. She stopped in the middle of a larger patch of perfectly manicured grass and turning my head to see what she was so intently studying, I found that from this hillside park you could see all of the college campus faintly lit in the distance. From here the entire town appeared to be asleep with barely any movement visible, the only sign of life the faint lights around those large brick buildings that were so foreign to me, but surely so well known to her. Turning to face Sydney, hoping to find her watching me, waiting for my next move, but instead I found her dark shadow laying down on he grass. The only lighting in the park was what little was reflecting up from the town below and the light given off by the night sky, as a result it was impossible to make out her features, my eyes only able to see her dark silhouette. Taking a seat beside her, slightly more than an arms length away, I watched as she laid back, her arms under her head as it appeared she was watching the night sky. Tilting my chin up, I find myself momentarily lost amongst all the sparkling pin holes in the ebony fabric of the night sky above us.

"How have you been?" The casualness of her soft voice surprised me, as if this were just another Sunday night conversation. Moving my eyes back to her and studying her dark outline, I wished there had been enough light up here to make out her features, instead we were lost in the blanket of night with only our words making up our being.

"Lonely." The word dripped from my lips without a thought and it surprised me. I'd felt a lot of things lately, but I hadn't really recognized that specific emotion. "Upset about what's going on between us. How about you?" Crossing my outstretched legs, I placed my palms out flat behind me and continued to watch her stoic frame.