The Online Experience

October 22, 1995

I'd thought about it all week. Those words which I had read in a wine induced fuzz and later the next day and the next day and the next. And though I had no idea what his voice truly sounded like aside from his description of deep and gentle I swore each time I read those words I could hear him. A voice resonating in my mind daring me to step outside my comfort zone. Pushing me to be braver and bolder than I'd ever had a need to be. He came across as so confident, so self assure, no matter what the subject of conversation and it only made me wonder more about who Jamie really was. Would he really be that bold if we were face to face or was this all a front that was able to put on because of the distance and anonymity provided by the Internet? The more I thought about it the less sure I was. But what I was sure about was my desire to be more like that person he appeared to be, at least to me.

By that Friday i decided I was going to ask him. Staying inside my comfort zone hadn't gotten me anywhere except stuck in a bad relationship for eight years. So here it is, another Sunday night and I was eagerly waiting for him to get online. Completely sober and nervous, I was still pondering how to bring it up. Do I just jump right I with that as my first question if the night? Do I ease into it with a little small talk about our week and let him know I've been thinking about it all week? Or do I wait till the end of the conversation and spring it on him right before we log off? An eager grin lifted my lips as I thought about how surprised he was going to be, shocked even to hear me being that bold. My heart beat up into my throat when I saw his screen name light up on my friends list, this is it.

SixStringGuy: Sorry I'm late, I was tied up with my girl. Well actually she was tied up, but that's another story ;) What's up?

Ok straight to the point tonight I see, I thought as I laughed to myself. As slow blush was creeping over my cheeks as I let his words create a visual in my head.

Grumpybluebear: well that's lovely lol. I'm good. Just been hanging out waiting on you. How was your week?

SixStringGuy: this week has been a crazy ride around here. I didn't picture this week turning out this way at all. How has your week been?

Ok, I thought, lets ease into this and make it happen.

Grumpybluebear: it's been interesting. Actually I've been really distracted all week.

SixStringGuy: Oh? Everything ok over there?

Drawing a deep shaky breath through my nose, it's now or never I told myself as my fingers gingerly tool to the keys.

Grumpybluebear: yeah. I have a question for you..

My heart ready to beat clear out of my chest as I waited for his response. Maybe he'd remember and I wouldn't even have to say it.

SixStringGuy: really? Can it wait one second I want to tell you something.

Grumpybluebear: sure. What's up?

SixStringGuy: I did it.

Grumpybluebear: did what??

SixStringGuy: I asked her to marry me.

And just like that I felt all the air being sucked out of my room, maybe even the whole apartment. Putting my feet flat on the floor I sat up in my chair and reread his words, as if they would change if I only changed the angle from which I was looking at them. I felt all the bravado I had built up in me slide away. My fingers rested in the keys to respond, but I couldn't come up with anything to say. I wanted to ask what happened to you can't trust her, but now wasn't the time. And it also wasn't the time to ask the question I had intended on asking tonight.  That just wasn't the type of thing you ask of a man who's engaged to another woman. My mind and my fingers could not agree on what to type back to him, it was like I was frozen in time, my pounding heart the only thing still moving.

SixStringGuy: Sydney? You still there?

I considered walking away completely and claiming technical issues when we spoke next week, but I knew better. That would only postpone this conversation.

Grumpybluebear: Yeah, sorry. I was helping my roommate in the kitchen. Congratulations! I'm assuming she said yes.

SixStringGuy: yeah. She cried and everything. She loves the ring I picked out.

Grumpybluebear: I'm glad.

I felt a strange pang in my gut as he typed. Something I'd never felt before and it was quite bothersome.

SixStringGuy: Thanks. You know I didn't realize how excited I would be for all this. Even the wedding planning is pretty exciting.

Grumpybluebear: Great! So you're going to help with the planning?

There it was again. Maybe I'm coming down with something I thought.

SixStringGuy: As much as they'll let me. Mary and her mother have already started with all that. We're thinking about a Valentines Day wedding.

Christ that's cliche, I thought to myself.

Grumpybluebear: Ah, that would be sweet. So a little under 4 months to get everything together. You gonna be able to get everything planned and put together that quick?

SixStringGuy: that's the joy of being me. If she decided she wanted a big wedding next week I have enough pull around here to make that happen :)

Grumpybluebear: wow. Well good luck with all that planning, even though it doesn't sound like you'll need it.

SixStringGuy: thanks again. Oh sorry, you said you have a question for me. What's the question.

Shit! My brain ran as quickly as possible through a few different options trying to find something that was plausible.

Grumpybluebear: oh, nothing major. I was just hoping you could recommend another good Prince album.  I mean you are the Prince aficionado.

SixStringGuy: oh, well they're all good. You looking for something specific?

Grumpybluebear: just something different, maybe a little mellow. I've been a little high string lately, a little stressed out.

SixStringGuy: ok. Check out Lovesexy. It's from '88 and it's got some pretty mellow tracks on it. That might work. That was it?

Grumpybluebear: thanks I'll check that out. Yeah that was it, why?

SixStringGuy: Nothing, you just sounded more eager than a question about music. That's all.

Grumpybluebear: sorry to disappoint lol.

SixStringGuy: no you're cool. Hey sorry but I have to go. Mary needs me upstairs. Next week?

And there was that stupid pain again.

Grumpybluebear: yeah next week.

Without another word he was gone and that pain again, jealousy. "What the fuck?" I asked the empty space around me. Guess I'll have to pick that cd up this week, he's sure to ask me about it next week. That is if he has time.