The Online Experience

October 25, 1996

(Prince's POV)

"Yeah tonight, 10 o'clock. Yeah man." Walking through the heavy front door of Paisley Park with my mobile phone against my ear, dark sunglasses hiding my eyes, and a harsh smile plastered on my face. "Spread the word, doors open at 10 and we're letting everyone in." My feet felt so heavy and I've never had to try this hard to keep my shoulders up; an invisible weight was pushing me into the ground. "Yeah everything's good. Tonight then. Bye" flipping the plastic device closed I headed straight for my office. The building was filled with people getting ready for tonight's impromptu show, but not a single one of them said a word to me as I walked through the halls. There was no quiet hum of people, no excitement, no real signs of life in this building other than the moving bodies. When I finally closed the office door behind me I let out a heavy breath I didn't even realize I'd been holding on my way in. The familiar white walls of my office were a comfort and so was the quiet. I needed the quiet, I thought to myself as I leaned back against the door, I couldn't take the sound of her crying anymore. She was using our baby to get what she wanted out of me and I knew that, but now this is my fault and the crying is unbearable.

"You killed my baby." The pain in her voice still rung in my ears. Her baby. I was flawed. I caused this. I'm at fault. I killed him. Everything was on me, she had screamed at me over and over, how I couldn't understand. How she was sure I was happy. Silent tears started running under the rim of my glasses as I replayed her words in my head. I've tried to console her, I've tried to be there for her, but all she does is blame. There is no one to console me, its never been more clear to me that I am completely alone. The money, the awards, the houses, the cars, the fame, and I was still utterly alone. Finally composing myself I stepped away from the cool door and headed towards my desk. I shed my black winter coat as I crossed the room, throwing it in the direction of the couch before I finally took a seat behind my glass desk which was now stacked high with mail from the past month. Setting my sunglasses on the desk, my bloodshot eyes took in the overwhelming pile of mail that needed to be sorted through.

"Damnit!" my fist smashing against the tempered glass in frustration causing the piles of paper to shift, some tumbling to the floor, and others into my lap. I made a mental note to get a new assistant as soon as possible, I simply couldn't handle all this. I wanted to lock myself away in the studio, or runaway on tour, anything to get some distance from this whole mess and dealing with mail wasn't going to do the trick. I casually flipped through the envelopes that landed in my lap; bills, crap from Warner Brothers, unknown artists trying to make a connection, more bills.  Tossing the stack back to my desk I turned my attention to the mess now on my floor.  I gathered up the envelopes without really paying attention until a small, hand addressed envelope caught my eye.

"You've gotta be kidding me" laughing disingenuously as I noticed the return address. Her words when we last spoke were like a punch in the gut. I never saw that coming from her. I never in a million years thought she would stoop that low as to lie to me.  I sat everything else on the desk before leaning back in my chair and studying the plain white envelope in my hand. Part of me wanted to throw it away without even opening it, but the other side of me was curious and that was the stronger part of me.  Grabbing the silver toned letter opener from the drawer in my desk I ran the blade along the top seam, the satisfying sound making me more anxious. I pulled out a plain piece of notebook paper that had been neatly folded, and a smaller piece of folded paper fell out onto the desk as I opened the letter. Without even a second thought my eyes were draw to her handwriting.

Prince,

I first want to say I'm writing this for my own peace of mind, not for yours. I need closure of some kind before I can move forward with my life. While I don't expect you to understand this I hope you can at least respect it. That being said, there is a part of me that wonders if you'll even read this, and if not that's ok too. If someone told me a year ago I'd be sitting here a complete mess over a guy I met online and only saw face to face on two separate occasions, I would have told  them they were crazy. If they'd told me it would be you, I would have taken them to the hospital myself for evaluation. I didn't see this coming, I didn't plan this, and I have no malicious intent, though you seem to think I do.

I fell in love with you and for that I'm sorry. I'm sorry because falling in love with you has only caused us both pain and its left me lost. I did love you, more than you know, more than I ever had the chance to tell you. I would have given anything to make you smile or hear you laugh. I would have stood by you with everything going on, I would have loved you until I had nothing left to give. Perhaps in another time and place we could have happened, we could have survived, but not in this one.

I've waited for you. Waited to hear anything from you, but silence is all you've given me. I'm sorry for the way I dropped that information on you. It wasn't the right time to throw that at you when we last spoke, but I was afraid. You can rest assured that you no longer have anything to worry about in regards to what I disclosed to you, that resolved itself. Since you didn't believe me I won't bore you with the details, just know that there is nothing to be concerned about, even though you clearly weren't. Your reaction confirmed for me that I was right to be afraid of you. You've been so hurt that you cant trust anyone, even me. All you can see are people out to take advantage of you, and it seems that's what you really thought of me too.  I feel sorry for you. Sorry for the fact that you live your life in that fear and I hope I haven't inherited any of that fear after all this. 

I've spent hours waiting Prince.  Telling myself you're going to tell me your sorry or that you've realized you were an asshole that night.  I've cried myself to sleep on the couch and kept the front door unlocked just incase you show up. I've ignored classes, ignored friends, ignored family, I've put my entire life on hold waiting for you these past few months. And everyday that waiting hurts more and more. You've completely disappeared and somehow you've taken control of my entire life.

I won't allow this anymore. I'm done waiting and crying and hoping and wishing. You've made your choice and there is nothing I can do to change that. So I'm saying goodbye to you, to all of this.  I wish you the best in life and I hope you can learn to trust people and maybe even how to love someday.

I'll miss our conversations, how they used to be. I'll miss Jamie.

Sydney

Laying the letter on top of one of the stacks of papers I reached out and grabbed the folded paper that had fallen out of the letter when I opened it. After much unfolding I found myself staring at a full sheet of paper, an official looking document dated July 30th 1996. My vision started to blur as I read through the text, my hands shaking as I thought back to our time together in her apartment, the things I'd said to her. I'd said I wished it was her carrying my child. I could barely breath, she'd told me and I didn't believe her. My bottom lip started to quiver as my tears became audible and my entire body started to tremble. I read through the paper one more time, discharge papers from the local hospital. Discharged after a 2 night stay for a miscarriage at 5 months. My stomach was in my throat.

I couldn't hold myself up anymore. The sobs came from me so loud I couldn't even believe they were mine and I felt myself crumple into my chair, that invisible weight was finally too much for me to carry.