The Online Experience

July 28, 1996

SixStringGuy: Hi Sydney.

My fingers roll down, nails tapping one after the other against the cheap computer desk, as I purse my lips, giving the computer screen a skeptical look. Weeks. Nearly three weeks actually since he hung up on me in a huff. I had kept some hope for about a day that he'd feel bad and reach out to me. Just a quick 'hey I'm sorry' nothing big, just some recognition that what had happened on the phone wasn't ok. But the phone never rang.

SixStringGuy: Sydney I know you're there.

By the following Sunday I'd convinced myself we'd talk. That he'd say something about what happened and ask me what was so important on my end. I sat at my desk that night, waiting, growing more anxious as the clock ticked by. I fell asleep at my desk that evening, sometime after 4am, waiting for a message that never came. As the following week went by I pushed him out of my head the best I could, focusing instead on the changes I could feel in my body and the  changes that started to become slowly visible. I started prenatal vitamins,
I made a point to stay active, and I started eating more cookies. Honestly the cookies might just be stress, but that's fine. Last Sunday I waited again, this time less sure of myself, less hopefully. I tried to convince myself I wasn't just waiting for him as I busied myself scouring the internet for pregnancy information. And still he was completely absent. Not even an email, he was quiet as ghost.

SixStringGuy: Come on Sydney. I need to talk.

Cocking my head to the side I let out a cynical laugh at the irony of his chosen words. Alley came back into town this past week and she immediately knew something was up. Maybe it was the physical changes that were becoming more apparent. Maybe it was the emotional mood swings. Maybe it was all the damn cookies. I don't know, but she's been here for me. I told her as much as I could, as much as I was comfortable telling her. She's helped me navigate scheduling follow up and she's even promised to be there at the ultra sound in a few weeks. Not surprisingly she's also offered knock some sense into the father, if I tell her who it is. Nope, I haven't said his name even once. I'm sure she knows, but I appreciate her playing dumb none the less. Sitting up, I dunk my Oreo in the half full glass of milk before stuffing the whole cookie into my mouth.

SixStringGuy: Sydney I need you. I need my friend I can talk to.

And there it was, his friend, and that was all it took.

Grumpybluebear: Is that all I am to you? Just a friend you can confide in?

Fingers pounding against the keys, the sharp clicking sound filling the cold space around me.

SixStringGuy: What? No. Things are just complicated.

Grumpybluebear: You don't say.

SixStringGuy: you have no idea what's going on over here.

Grumpybluebear: and you have no idea what's going on over here!

Maybe it was petty to throw his own words back at him, and for the briefest moment I felt a twinge if guilt run over me like a chill.

SixStringGuy: Sydney the doctors don't think the baby will come to term. They think he's going to die!

His words struck me. A solid mass of emotion stuck in my throat as my left hand came to rest protectively on my small belly. My other hand froze, fingers floating just above the keyboard as I tried to figure out what to say. How to console him when all I wanted to do was scream at him.

Grumpybluebear: I don't know what to say.

And it was the truth. My hormones were already a mess and this wasn't helping. My heart was breaking for him, but there was a little part of me that thought only of how this could put him back in my arms quicker. I hated that part of myself, but it was undeniably there none the less.

SixStringGuy: The doctors think it's better if we abort, but I can't do that. I won't do that.

Grumpybluebear: But if the doctors think that's the best course of action they must have a reason. They wouldn't just suggest that if they didn't.

SixStringGuy: it's because the chances are so slim they say. But that still means there's a chance.

I could almost hear the desperation in his words. I wanted to reach through the screen and hold him. Tell him it would be ok, that life is filled with hard decisions and shitty outcomes. I wanted to help him more than I knew how to.

Grumpybluebear: How does she feel about all this.

SixStringGuy: there's still a chance, didn't you hear me. She not going to kill baby Sydney. No matter what.

His response shook me. It wasn't the response I expected or even a response I could have imagined from him. Not the Prince I knew. 

Grumpybluebear: it's her baby too and it's her body that could truly suffer Prince. I'm no fan of hers, but this isn't just about you and the baby. She has a right to have a say in all this.

He was quiet for so long on his end I started to hope that I was making sense to him. I hope he can see things for what they truly are and not try to completely control this entire situation.

SixStringGuy: maybe she's right

Grumpybluebear: about what?

SixStringGuy: She thinks this is Gods way of punishing me.

The look on my face, eyes wide, jaw slack, and a terrified laugh coming from reflected slightly in the boxy computer screen. He couldn't be serious. My hands approaching the keyboard as his next message appears.

SixStringGuy: She thinks God is punishing me for not taking my marriage seriously. For fucking around with you. Maybe she's right. Maybe you're the devil that tempted me and this is what I get in return.

The air from my lungs left in a whoosh, feeling like I'd been punched in the stomach. There was no stopping the tears that started, they were instantaneous and heavy. I tried to tell myself he was under a lot of stress, that things were getting to him, but... 'maybe you're the devil' I couldn't tear my eyes away from those words. Images of us together ran through my mind, laughing, kissing, sharing secrets. My breath hiccuped as I tried to find a way to reconcile those images with what he'd just said.

Grumpybluebear: you can't be serious.

The words typed themselves. I gave no thought to it and never felt the keys beneath my fingertips. I was completely numb. Waiting for the punchline, waiting to wake up.

SixStringGuy: I can't do this anymore Sydney.

A surge of panic rushed over me, my skin heating with a blush as my heart started to race. How do I stop this.  I couldn't focus, I couldn't form a clear idea I'd what to say. How to respond so that he wouldn't continue to spin out of control. I needed to fix this.

Grumpybluebear: Prince I'm pregnant.

SixStringGuy: Now who's trying to manipulate me Sydney? I can't believe you'd stoop this low. I'm done with you.

SixStringGuy has logged off

I sat motionless in my chair. Tears rolling down my face like a waterfall, breathing labored, my head pounding, heart besting as though I'd just run 5 miles. Panic was setting in with every breath, my lungs feeling like they refused to fill. My crying turned to loud, echoing sobs. The sound filling the apartment. I barely heard the sound of Alley's foot steps around the carpet as she rounded the corner from her room to check on me.

"Hey girl what u...." her eyes huge as she took in the slight of my crumpling frame. Worried brown eyes traveled down my body, getting bigger " Holy shit Sydney!" My eyes closed. I heard her voice frantic, talking to someone, she was distant. And that's where things went black.