The Online Experience

September 26, 1996

It feels like I've been sitting here forever. Waiting. Watching. Holding my breath for something. For anything. But nothing ever came. The only sound in the room coming from the occasional clicking of my mouse as I floated aimlessly through the ether of the World Wide Web. The summer has been long and quiet with me mostly moving between my bed and this old creaking chair.  I've lost myself, my sense of direction, it's just been months of floating through a life I don't even recognize. Staring at the harsh colors on the computer screen, I tell myself I'm fucking up. My last year of college has already started, weeks ago. I should be working on papers, reviewing speeches, and completing research for my thesis, but I haven't. Instead I've spent every night right here, the ghost of my former self waiting for him to appear. Waiting to find out this has all been a bad dream.

Alley's been here all summer, she's been keeping an eye on me. She thinks she's being coy about it, but it's clear as day that she thinks I'm teetering on a knives edge. I know she's worried, shes checking in on me all day, she's even slowed her social calendar to a crawl to spend more time here, and I've heard her on the phone a few times, depression is how she described it. Honestly she's been worried since the hospital and I wish I could take those moments away from her. The image of her tear stained face as she shook her head is etched into my mind. That wasn't something she should have ever been burdened to tell me. She shouldn't have been the one holding my hand or telling me my baby was gone. She shouldn't have had to repeat it over and over until I finally believed her. It should have been him. He should have been the one trying to hold me together when the doctor came in and explained everything to me. He should have held me when I sobbed so hard I could barely breath. He should have cried with me when I was physically out of tears , but couldn't stop hiccuping and gasping for air. Just the though if it now makes me want to cry all over again, but I've nothing left to give. I'll never forgive him for not being there, for putting Alley in that position.

The doctor had explained to me that there were chromosomal abnormalities with the fetus and that the baby likely would never have been carried to term, and likely wouldn't have survived if it was. The stress of the events of that evening had caused my blood pressure to increase to a dangerous level and that mixed with the existing fetal issues led to the miscarriage. The doctor was very clear to explain it would have happened at some point during my pregnancy one way or another, but that didn't make things any better. I've replayed that evening in my mind everyday since. I never imagined he'd think I was lying. I still cannot fathom the type of person he must think I am if he thinks I would lie about such a thing. About a baby. About bringing another life into this world. My stomach churned just thinking about how he reacted. It's silly, but I hadn't realized just how much I loved him, not until I felt how much he could hurt me.

"Sydney?" Alleys quiet voice shook me out of my daze and I turned to find her standing in the doorway. Her head cocked to the right and a concerned look on her face. "You ok hun?"

"Yeah." My voice cracking unexpectedly as I suddenly felt the warm tears on my cheek that had gone unnoticed. Wiping haphazardly at my eyes, I knew something had to give.  "I can't keep doing this." She nodded only slightly.

"No girl you can't." Her green eyes looked almost as tired and sad as I felt.

"He's gone." It wasn't a question, but she nodded in agreement anyways.

"This is his loss Sydney. He fucked up and he's not worth fucking up the rest of your life over." I knew she was right and I knew what I needed to do. I'd been thinking for weeks on how I could process and finally come to some form of closure over the loss of what I had foolishly thought would be forever.

"I know." I tried for a smile, but I know I failed.

"You gonna be ok if I go out for an hour or so?" Laughing slightly as I nodded.

"I'll be fine, I promise."  She walked over and gave me a quick kiss in the top of my head.

"Be right back." Moments later I heard the front door close and I knew it was time. I went offline and turned my computer completely off. I grabbed a notebook off my disheveled bed and a black pen from my desk before flipping a switch, leaving my bedroom in darkness. I turned the lights off in the living room as I made my way through and made a quick stop in the kitchen where I turned the fluorescent overhead light off too. I didn't want to allow the memories in this apartment to overwhelm me, to drag me back to the hope I knew I had no right living in.

Taking a seat at the generic pine kitchen table I was met briefly with the memory of the day we made that faux thanksgiving dinner. The look of complete concentration he'd had on his delicate features as he rolled out that pie dough. He was so tender and careful trying to work the dough just perfectly. The pride he seemed to take in all the hard work he'd put into that dinner. My thumb tapped the end of the pen eliciting a sharp click just before I black in started to fill the page.

I was lost in the memory of his subtle features. The way the left side of his mouth would always pull up first in a cocky grin before his lips would evolve into a full fledged smile. The rough sensation of his calloused fingertips which were in stark contrast to how smooth his skin was. The small scar on his left thigh from falling on stage years ago. The soft natural scent of his skin when he first stepped out of the shower. The way his eyes would soften when he was feeling shy. As the memories flooded my mind words landed on the paper without me given them a second thought. I needed this. This was for me, not him, this was my closure one way or another. I frozen for a moment on the thought of being spread out in this table, pinned beneath the weight of his muscular frame. His breathing in my ear, the smell of passion rising between us. My pen disengaged from the paper as I pondered for just a moment of that was when it happened. Was that the moment we made a life? Closing my eyes for the briefest if money's and drawing a long, labored breath I tried to refocus.

"Do not do this to yourself" I mumbled the words while trying to keep my heart steady. Returning my eyes to the paper I watched the words flow out of me, no second guessing, not trying to make this pretty, I was laying myself bare. I don't know how long I sat there writing, it felt like ages, but when I was done the page was nearly full. I sat back in the chair and looked at the smooth lines of my hand writing and somehow I felt lighter, as though the weights had been removed from my ankles and I could finally come up for air. I folded the letter into thirds, slipping a small folded up piece of paper in with it, before sliding the whole thing into an envelope. Once the letter was addressed and stamped I tossed it on the table by the door, to be mailed tomorrow.

"I'm done with this" my voice firm in the otherwise vacant room. I was done with the tears. Done feeling g heartbroken. Done waiting for him. I was done with him. I straightened my shoulders and remembered when he'd told me I deserved better than Miko. He was right then, I did deserve better. And now I knew I deserved better than him.