voices | phan au

Chapter Thirty

(a/n: where i left this off in the last chapter, its going to hard to figure out what will happen in this chapter. i mean, i used to write it down (like on paper) what the next chapter was, but after reading back what i put, it was way too rehearsed and perfected, so i stopped writing it up, idek enjoy the chapter)

! also this chapter is most likely going to be a lil depressing & triggering oops !

Dan couldn't help but want the past Dan, to be his current state of mind. 

'No' He was back home and asleep, thinking. 'I do not want to be like how I was back in the past' He told himself. 

slight//
'Oh but you do Dan. You want every razor to connect to your skin like Phil's lips connect to yours. But how could his lips connect to yours? He doesn't love you, never has and never will. You're just a stupid boy Dan, why can't you realise you're pathetic and stupid? And blind to the love you think you get, but it's fake...' A voice jeered. 

Dan was tossing and turning in his sleep now, not being able to shut his brain up. 

'You really are pathetic! You can't even shut me up!' The voice yelled. By now, Dan was mumbling, telling the voice to go away or shut up. 

'Dan, you can't shut down your own thoughts. Unless you die and I know you want to do that right now...' The voice teased.

"Dan, stop turning for God sake! It's like 6am." Phil mumbled, obviously not sleeping due to Dan's head. At that moment, Dan was fully awake and staring at the ceiling. That's weird, the voice has gone. It's not speaking. It's not annoying him. Dan shook it off and wobbled out of the bedroom towards the bathroom to look at himself in the mirror. 

'I'm not going to do it,' He told himself. 'I'm not, no matter how much I want to.' 

Dan smiled, like actually smiled. He was just happy he was smiling and it was genuine, not forced. He wasn't what you'd call 100%, but he was happier than what he has been, over the past few weeks that is. Eventually looking away from the mirror, he headed towards the bathroom door, twisted the door handle to be greeted with Phil, who was strangely fully dressed and wide awake. He really looked pissed off.

"I know," Phil said, folding his arms. 

"What?" Dan questioned, having no idea what Phil was talking about. 

"Don't play dumb Dan." Phil snapped, clenching his fists. 

"Phil, I don't know what you mean. What do you know?" Dan asked, a little concerned. 

Phil yanked Dan's right arm towards him and pulled his hoodie sleeves up, revealing the somewhat fresh cuts on his forearm. 

"Dan, I know," Phil said, throwing Dan's arms down. Dan pulled his sleeve back down and backed away, scared of his fiancee who was being forceful and not the Phil Lester Dan knew. 

"Why are you backing away?" Phil begun, stepping forward.

Dan kept shuffling backwards until his back hit the closed door of the bathroom. Dan gulped the look of dread and terror on his expression. Dan's arms and back were pressed firmly on the back of the door. 

"Dan!" Phil yelled. "You're not inept to hear me!" 

Dan's hands began to shake and his legs became jelly/jello. Dan did open his mouth to reply, but it quickly closed when Phil's hand slammed next to his head, leaning on the door. 

"What was it you said?" Phil asked rhetorically. "Well? 'Oh, Phil I promise I won't do it again, it's not worth seeing you cry. I won't, I promise.' Do you remember saying that? 'Cause I remember is as though it was yesterday. I'm sad, yes. But I'm more pissed off at you. You PROMISED me you wouldn't do it again because I was the person you could talk to. But no, the only thing you can talk to is the razor blade that is always connected with you God damn skin! You're not worth my tears this time, and you never will be..." Phil cried, dropping his hand from the door so it hung next to him. 

"You're nothing but a liar." Phil mocked. He looked down and his hand, slipping the ring off of his finger and slapping it on Dan's chest. "I regret ever trying to marry you. I always said I hate liars, so I guess I hate myself, for lying and persuading myself that you'll get better, oh how I was incredibly wrong." Phil spoke so calmly. 

"Phil, I just. I'm so sorry." Was all that could escaped Dan's mouth. 

"Don't be sorry, because this time, it won't work," Phil huffed, spinning around and walked downstairs to the front door. 

"Wha- Where are you going?" Dan asked, running downstairs to Phil. 

At the front door of the apartment were a packed suitcase and Phil's coat and his wallet. 

"Away from you." Phil snapped. "Don't try to find me. Goodbye Dan," Phil said, turning around so he was facing Dan. Phil grabbed Dan's hands, holding them in his whilst Phil placed a kiss on Dan's dry, chapped lips. 

"Thing is, I still love you and I always will," He started, lifting Dan's right sleeve back up "It's just, I don't love this anymore." 

And with that once sentence, Dan was stood alone in the hallway, staring at the closed door. Dan was stood alone in the hallway, trembling. Dan burst out into tears, falling to his knees. 

"Phil, please come back. This is the most fun I'll ever have." Dan mumbled through loud cries. 

It's almost been a year and a half.
Dan's brother was still alive, Dan still spoke to his mum and dad, he even got over Phil and was a year and a half clean. He was happy and proud. He even started dating a girl called Chloe, they've only been dating for barely a month, but it was still a relationship. Dan's channel grew a little more. Dan's life flipped again; it was one he was happy to live. 

But Phil?
When he left Dan a year and a half ago, he flew to a country where no one will know who he is and no one will bother him. That country was Finland. (i am aware there are probs phandom members in finland soz) Phil had moved on past Dan, but Dan is always in the back of Phil's mind. Phil hasn't dated anyone since leaving Dan in London. Phil hasn't uploaded, tweeted, posted or done anything since last year and people were writing articles and making speculations that he has died or has given up. 

Dan has been out spoken about his break up with Phil, he's told the press and made a video on what happened. 

Phil was living in secrecy, whilst Dan lived a happy life.

Oh, how the tables have turned...

(a/n: yikes this was poop lol hope u enjoyed, hmu on twitter @lestersfreckles and yh bye guyss x)