Abusive relationship

Chapter 3

I made my way towards next lesson in dismay as my gaze stayed fixed on the floor, my worn-out ankle boots next to the polished heels or clean sneakers of students passing by. Buying nice clothes is difficult when you're not allowed a job and your boyfriend is paid a small wage. I felt guilty asking for new shoes, especially when Jake worked so hard to save his hard-earned money on us both to survive. After accepting reality, I forced my mind to focus on something else and ignored the feeling of my heel scraping against a flap of fabric which had ripped inside my boots. 

Suddenly, Jake's eyes which had stared into mine before our kiss appeared in my thoughts. My lips pressed tightly together in a desperate bid to not burst into a smile, but the corners of my mouth gave away my crappy attempt. My neck was sore from his strong grip, but I secretly wished he had done it for longer. 

"Can you hurry up?" 

My cheeks burned when I realised how unusually slow I was walking. I was so lost in my own thoughts that I was oblivious to the line of students behind me, risking being late simply because they were too awkward to ask me to move. I apologised and began walking quicker, my thoughts quickly escaping. 

Just before the bell rang I managed to join a line of students walking into my class. Near the front I could see Jake, who hadn't bothered to tidy his messed up collar and untucked shirt which had been a consequence of our kiss. His hair was ruffled and he looked as though he had just woken up. I never knew someone who could look so dishevelled yet so hot. 

I felt my heart thud in panic when Jake turned his head to the side to lock eyes with me, clearly sensing my stare. The corners of his lips fought a smile as his eyebrows slightly rose. His eyes burned with mischief, and it was clear what on his mind. I shook my head, pretending to find him ridiculous, but couldn't help the wide grin which squeezed my cheeks. I bit my lip to tease him but lost his gaze after his friend stood beside him. Jake's face burned a scarlet red as he stared at his friend, clearly embarrassed over being caught flirting with his own girlfriend. 

At least he's in a good mood today. 

After finding a seat in class, I scanned the room for Oliver and brightened up when I saw him. He was sitting on his own in what seemed like a sulk. I felt my heart sink when I noticed that he wasn't enjoying himself. I wonder if he had ever gone through something that changed him...maybe he was once happy and free-spirited like I was. Something about him made me feel connected to him. I wanted to know what it was, but also didn't want to risk getting him in danger by simply being friendly. I knew what Jake was like. 

I quickly looked at Jake after realising what I was doing, but felt a wave of relief soon after. His droopy eyes remained fixed onto the floor as his slouching body leant against his chair, his head tilted to one side. He seemed to be close to asleep already - I couldn't help but feel relieved that he was using this time to rest. Selfishly, I saw this as an opportunity to observe Oliver some more. He had put on his glasses and was looking up in interest, taking in everything the teacher was saying. I admired his determination to learn and felt inspired. Maybe I could learn a lot about this boy from simply looking at him. Already I could tell that he was a keen learner and not a huge fan of social interactions. 

Suddenly, I found my eyes staring directly into Oliver's, who had caught what I was doing. His gaze was expressionless. He didn't look angry, but he also didn't look warm. He simply looked unbothered. My body shrunk with intimidation, I didn't know whether to smile or look away. But I didn't want him to stop staring, I wanted to start a conversation somehow or at least let him know that I'm nice. 

I just wanted a friend. 

I found the courage to give him a smile, but felt disheartened when he quickly looked away. My heart sunk when I found myself staring back out the window, a familiar feeling of loneliness creeping into my senses. Why is it so hard for me to make friends? Everyone seems to have a group of people who they can get along with, but all I have is an abusive boyfriend who loves to remind me of how worthless I am. I felt starving for real companionship and emotional warmth. 

I don't need friends; relying on others will simply leave me betrayed. These words kept on ringing inside my head, reminding me that I don't need anyone but myself. It's come to the point where I hate everyone - but this is my coping method. 

Yet I couldn't get Oliver off my mind. What is it about him? 

Is it his maturity? It's rare to see someone who comes across as so self-assured and confident. Yet, at the same time, he seemed hurt. He seemed to have gone through something which had left him with pain. I wanted to heal him, to have him open up. 

My body jumped after my thoughts were cut off by the obnoxious sound of the school bell. I remained sitting where I was, frozen. I couldn't keep my eyes off of Oliver, I felt desperate to find a way to talk to him. I needed him to know that I was there for him. 

I watched my feet take small steps towards him, having a mind of their own. Without thinking, I stood directly in front of Oliver, my eyes glued to his. My legs trembled as he looked up at me, his eyes wide with surprise. He raised a smile, almost as though he was amused, as I stood there staring at him in awe. Just as I opened my mouth to start a conversation, I felt a strong grip grasp around my wrist before yanking me away. 

Brick by brick, my walls became tumbling down, and I found my eyes welling up with tears as I hid them behind my hand in an attempt to seem fine. I felt so lonely, so unnecessary, so rejected. All I wanted was someone to talk to. I used to be so social and well-liked without even realising it. My friends were so kind and gave my life meaning. I missed them intensely, the thought of me leaving with no explanation or even goodbye made me shiver. I've left so many people I love in the dark with no reassurance of where I am. They didn't deserve to experience the slightest bit of pain, yet I was probably the reason for their suffering. 

"Get a grip," Jake muttered. His lack of empathy was deadly, it made me feel sick every time. It reminded me of how uncared for I was. I was a waste of space, simply existing for someone's enjoyment. 

I always tried my best to come across as optimistic. But deep down I was so severely lonely and upset. I longed for someone to see what I was going through, but no one cared to notice. Everyone seemed too invested in their own lives to understand what was going on around them.