infidel (joshler)

Chapter 13

tw// thoughts of suicide

Tyler sat in the corner of the classroom, his eyes downcast at his hands which were twisting together in his lap. He sat back here so that they couldn't throw things at the back of his head, or poke the back of his neck with pens and pencils and whatever sharp things they could find.

It was only sixth grade, and already Tyler was becoming a shell to protect himself from the other kids tormenting. He hated it being like this. Everything seemed like the stereotypical Disney Channel movies he would watch at home, locked in his room. The kids laughing, Tyler walking down the hallway with his books clutched tight to his chest and snickers and pointing fingers following him throughout the school. Except this was about as far from a Disney movie as you could get.

The bullied kids in those movies, they were normal. They just weren't popular, or they fell down in the hallway, something innocent compared to Tyler. Those kids didn't have voices screaming from every inch of their brain. Those kids hadn't been picked up from the police station by their parents, after someone called 911 because he almost jumped off a bridge.

And those kids got a happy ending. They found friends, they believed in themselves, and went on to sink the winning shot at the championship game. By the end, everyone loved them and regretted ever being mean. Tyler would never get his happy ending. No friends would look past his problems and help him be himself. He didn't want to be himself. He'd rather be anyone else in the world.

The teacher called on him, asking him some question about some date of some war, but he ignored her and kept staring at his hands. She moved on, thankfully, but the stares were blatantly obvious and he felt red creeping up his neck. He hated it when they stared at him.

Tyler was surprised that his parents hadn't pulled him out of public school yet. They knew what he was going through, knew that on numerous occasions he had snapped and almost killed someone. They knew that his doctor thought he was a danger to society, but they still held on to the idea that if he stayed in school for long enough, the voices would fade and he'd be a normal kid, like his siblings. It wasn't going to happen.

Tyler was screwed for life.

He walked home alone like always, and ignored his mom asking how his day was as he went to his room. He locked the door and flipped on the TV. This was how he spent everyday after school. He didn't have any friends to invite over to play Mario Kart, his favourite game, so he'd either play it by himself or not play it at all, and watch some stupid movie.

He wanted a friend. Just one, nice friend. He'd had three friends until grade two, when his problems started presenting themselves and Tyler's friends weren't allowed to hang out with him anymore. He would sit alone on the swing at recess. All of the other kids were scared of him. They'd heard about what was going on in his head, and although they didn't understand it, Tyler was officially the target of every bully, rumour, or joke.

Now no one would ever be his friend. He had attacked a teacher last year, after she got angry when he wouldn't answer a question in class. She had grabbed his sleeve, and tried to pull him to face her, but he had swung and broken her jaw. He hadn't realized he'd done it, and after it had all happened he had taken off, running until he reached the bridge. He had stood up on the railing, looking at the water and sharp rocks below.

He could've jumped. He could've ended everything right there. But someone had pulled over and grabbed the back of his hoodie, pulling him down. They had sat with him after they called the police, but he hadn't spoken. They had asked him questions about what was wrong, why he would've done it. He was only in fifth grade, after all. But he didn't answer. He didn't want to let yet another person know how screwed up he was.