complicated | bellarke

sixteen | i have no choice

CLARKE:

Bellamy and I go back to camp after our talk. Octavia was right, he hadn't stayed mad for too long. I'm not going to take it for granted. I need him.

I want to hug him again. Ever since we arrived on the ground, I have never felt safer than when I was in his arms. He probably thinks that I only hugged him because he had just survived an operation. I was happy he was alive and all, but it was more than that. At least it was for me. He doesn't feel the same and it's best to keep it that way, for the sake of our leadership and everyone in the camp.

My feelings for Bellamy also make the Finn thing a lot more complex. Do I see feel a twinge of jealousy when I see Finn and Raven? Yes. Do I picture myself with Finn? No, not anymore. Does that mean I'm over him? I have no idea.

I keep my mind busy with trying to run the camp. Bellamy and I posted the laws, and surprisingly, no one has protested against them yet. I'm working with Chancellor Jaha on how we're going to survive the winter, and other matters of importance.

Bellamy doesn't know it, but I've also been talking to Jaha about pardoning him. It's taken some work, but Jaha is close to agreeing.

I habe basically been avoiding my mother as much I can, only talking to Jaha when she has a patient, and saying I have to go when she comes back. Jaha tries to get me to sit down and speak with her, but I'm not ready. I don't know if I'll ever be.

"You agree to give Bellamy Blake a full pardon from all of his crimes on the Ark?" I ask Jaha during one conversation, making it official.

"I do, I fully pardon Bellamy Blake," Jaha says.

My face breaks into a grin and I run out of the drop ship to go to Bellamy's tent.

"Bellamy!" I cry, attacking him in a hug. I can't hold it back now.

He hugs me back but is laughing. "What?" he asks, looking puzzled.

I pull away. "You're pardoned!"

His face is full of disbelief. "Really?"

"Yes," I tell him, smiling. "By Chancellor Jaha himself."

Bellamy grins. "I can't believe it." He pauses. "You did this?"

I nod. "You deserve it, Bellamy," I say genuinely.

"Thank you," he says, pulling me in for another hug.

This one is closer, tighter, less rushed and more deliberate. I can practically feel his heartbeat through his chest, like I'm sure he can feel my heavy breathing.

When he lets go, we both pull back and I can feel the energy buzzing between us. My hand is on his arm, and I feel the charge when I lift it off.

I open my mouth and look at Bellamy's. This could be it. This could be the moment I've been thinking about.

But I can't do it.

I step back and hurt flashes through his eyes. I dart mine away.

There are so many reasons why we can't do this. I can't put myself out there like that, not after Finn. And we have to lead. We have to be together, but not in that way. It could ruin everything.

I have to sacrifice my heart for the safety of everyone. I have no choice.