complicated | bellarke

eighteen | we can't risk it

CLARKE:

I don't know where Bellamy went. I check his tent, the drop ship, the art supply store, and even the river where we talked that one night.

As I'm walking back from the river, I see movement in the trees. I want to think it's Bellamy, but it could be a Grounder, so I pull out my knife and stay cautious, ducking behind a tree. I see the figure emerge from the distance. It's Bellamy, holding a gun to defend himself, like I am.

Suddenly, I don't want to talk anymore. I drop the knife and run to him. He looks confused but lets go of the gun. As soon as he's in front of me, I kiss him.

He doesn't make a move for a second, but then kisses me back, gentle, soft, and I feel everything I had imagined, more or less. He puts his hands on my waist and pulls me towards him while mine tangle through his hair, as the kiss becomes more urgent. My head is spinning but nothing else matters in this moment. It doesn't seem like either of us could stop if we wanted to.

His lips travel to my jawline and down my neck to my collarbone. I let out a light moan, which probably only encourages him.

I'm so distracted that I forgot all of our problems, why we couldn't be together, but I remember them when I think I see someone in the distance. I dont know whether it's a Grounder or one of us, but it snaps me back to reality.

"Bellamy," I say softly.

He must interpret it as a signal to keep going, so I say his name louder.

"What?" he asks calmly, looking up at me with his beautiful eyes.

I don't want to tell him this. I can't do it. But I have to.

"We can't do this anymore," I say, breathlessly.

"Why not?" he asks quietly.

"It's not a good idea," I say, stepping back. "We have to be everyone's leaders, we can't let our feelings get in the way."

"Clarke, we can't stop our feelings, and maybe not acting them is going to cause us even more pain," he tells me.

"Then we have to suffer so our people don't have to," I say desperately. "We can't be good leaders if we're together."

"We don't know that," Bellamy says defensively. "It could make us stronger."

"Or it could ruin us, and everyone else," I say. "We can't risk it."

"But Clarke..." he says, his voicing breaking.

"I know..." I say, looking up at his sad eyes. It's one of those times, where all we have to do is look at each other to know what we want to say. I want to tell him that I'm sorry, he wants to tell me that I'm wrong. But we just look at each other instead.

It feels like an eternity before Bellamy clears his throat and says, "We should go back to camp," almost choking on his words.

"Yeah... yeah, okay," I say as I wipe away a tear I hadn't noticed before.

He just nods and silently slips his hand into mine. I don't protest. His hands are bigger than mine, rough and soft at the same time. I never want to let them go. We walk hand in hand all the way back to camp, but we both drop them before we enter the gates.

I give him one last look, before I walk into camp first, leaving him behind.

I'm so happy to finally be publishing this chapter! They're finally together (sort of)! There's lots more to come, though, and I'm really excited for you to read it. Please vote and comment on this chapter, thanks!