Today, I've been stuck in my head a lot. At school, it was an overall good day. I really didn't have anything wrong in my school day. The only problem was that I began to stress over every little thing in my life.
I've been doing a lot of thinking on things in my life. A major one has been my self-worth, since I feel I really don't have a purpose for being in this world. I don't exactly do anything helpful, and I don't plan on going into a career where I do something useful. I mean, unless art is somehow useful to the world...
Art is something that makes me happy. I've always known that, and having two art classes this year supports that theory. The only problem is, it makes me feel horrible too. I feel like it doesn't do anything useful for the world. Not to mention that I'm a Straight A Honors student who doesn't want to go into the world and use my brain to be a doctor or a lawyer or something like that. I just want to make art. It especially stresses me out when people look at me with disappointment because I'm "wasting my potential". I've been hearing that since before I even got into high school...
That's the main thing. I've also been stressing about the relationships in my life. I've recently begun making an effort to at least talk to someone I was friends with in the past, considering we sit next to each other in my Honors Chemistry class. It's been tense, but at least we've been talking.
That's relationship discussion #1. Relationship debate #2 has been my uncle. I really miss all the fun times I had when I hung out with him and my mom. I miss when we use to play video games and watch anime together, and I also miss playing D&D with him and my mom. I'm just not sure if I can talk to him knowing that he doesn't really mean anything that comes out of his mouth. But I still miss him, because he's still my uncle. Even after all the crap I've been through because of him.
Then there is #3. #3 has only been a debate in my mind for the last couple of days. I had a dream that really help put the idea in my mind. Not that I hadn't been thinking about for awhile... It's hard when you really care about someone, but you had to stop because you knew it wasn't good for one or both of you. That's my situation. I really do care about this person I'm talking about... I just worry and I've always worried that they mean more to me than I do to them. I don't know if this person's life has changed too much since I've been out of it. It seems like it has changed when I see them around school. All I know is that I've probably hurt a lot more emotionally than they have. I've really regretted ending my friendship with them, and I'm trying to decide if I should give them another chance... I don't want to seem like a hypocrite, because I'm not. I'm just a constantly changing person who always wants to make sure that the people she cares about are okay. I really do miss hanging out with this person, and talking about fangirl stuff with them. If you're reading this, which you might do, you can message me if you want... I'm sorry if you hate me... I can't say I've said things that are polite about you, and I won't lie and say I didn't mean them. I was hurt, and I'm still hurt by what happened. But that doesn't mean that I won't try again. If you're willing, I'm willing. I'm really sorry, and I just want you to know that I still care about you even if we aren't friends. I always will be concerned about your well-being because you were one of my best friends. We had a good relationship, and I'm sorry that things turned out the way they did. Neither of us is blameless in the matter, though. I won't be pushed around anymore, and I will not tolerate the things I did before. But if you are truly willing to try again, you know how to message me.
Anyways, even after that message and rant, I just hope I'll be able to clear my stress soon. I hope that I'll be able to decide my feelings for everything I've been feeling, and I hope that I will feel better about myself again. I hope everyone enjoys the remainder of their Monday, and the rest of their week, in-case I don't post again this week.
