I don't even know what I'm updating about right now. Sometimes you just have to sigh and do a chapter just to get some stuff out.
I don't even know what to talk about. I guess I'll start off with general news.
Drama started back up this past week. I have lines scattered about throughout the show, and I even have to sing a line at the end. I was a little disappointed at first that I didn't get a bigger part, but I'm thankful now that I even got lines. Some people, male and female, got stuck as ensemble characters that just kinda stand in the back of some scenes. They don't have any lines, and they are only part of the singing and dancing scenes. I feel a lot better about that.
I also got a haircut. Not that anyone really noticed... My hair was a little past my shoulders, and now it's a little under my chin. The only person who noticed it got cut was the person who I pointed it out to... It's great to know that people pay attention to what's around them...
Things in chemistry have gotten... better. I've actually been slightly smiling lately. It all started when I stopped caring about the people in that class. I really just don't care about them anymore. I just want to pass the class and get my ass out of honors. You know, being in honors, I thought I'd be able to finally make like-minded friends who could understand me better. That is a piece of crap. Honors kids are probably the coldest, most uncaring people I've ever met. They are so self-centered and spoiled that I can't help but be disgusted with most of them. Some are exceptions, but those exceptions I've been friends with for quite awhile.
Yep. I'm not taking AP or Honors senior year. People think I'm stupid, but I just can't do it anymore. I want to do what is right for me, and not what is expected of me by others. People think I'm this and I'm that, but I really just feel so different than the way people see me. I have so many things I don't do or say around other people that don't understand about me. They wouldn't even if I told them. At this point, I just expect people to not understand.
I'm fed up with a lot of different things and people for a lot of different reasons. My one friend and I are close to losing contact. Not because I'm pissed (Well, I am a lot), but just because there isn't anything there. Not like they want there to be.
My one other friend is someone stuck in an eternal childhood that he refuses to leave (Obsessed with Disney, but he claims he isn't gay and that he doesn't have a problem...). Not to mention he tries to act cool by saying obscene and derogatory words. It really pisses me off. It very obviously isn't him. He is seeking attention so much, and it just... It's annoying and disgusting.
I feel self-destructive right now, as you can see. Do I really give a shit anymore? Not really. I am fed up keeping my mouth shut (or words shut) for everyday of my fucking life. I have tried so hard to sympathize with others or to understand they aren't on the same maturity level as me, but I am so fucking tired of being the one that has to go unnoticed, uncared for, and misunderstood every fucking day.
I just feel like shit whenever I'm around people. I feel like I will never truly belong amongst my friends, no matter how much I want to. I just can't relate to them, and they can't relate to me. It's a vicious cycle, and I am fully aware of this. Luckily my best friend gets a lot more passes than other people. She tries her best to understand me, but she just can't. I'm not sure I want her to. Her understanding me would mean her life would be shit. I don't want that.
But some people actually need to see that life is a Disney fairytale. Sadly, I feel some people need to be hardened by completely shitty situations. Everyone needs a bit of harshness and cynicism so they can actually survive in reality.
Funny coming from the girl who has relied on escapism her whole damn life. I've been living in my daydreams for so long because I don't want to believe my life is actually happening. That's part of the reason I write my stories. It's my way of thinking my life could be so much better than it actually is.
Now I know my life isn't as bad as other people. I absolutely know that, and I'm not trying to one-up them. I just am so sick and tired of being mistreated and ignored by the people I care for so much. There are so many days where I wake up in the morning and I feel like crying because I just don't want to deal with everyone for the day. I just want to escape into the fantasy world provided by my dreams. But, sadly, I know I have to go to school and be the perfectly okay girl everyone thinks I am.
I am filled with much more sadness, rage, envy, and hate than everyone thinks I could ever hold. I am so much worse than everyone thinks I am. To be honest, the way I act around my friends is the way they expect from me. I'm different for every group and every individual person. Luckily my newer friends see a side closer to the real me.
And another thing. Why is that some people just can't compliment me on anything I do? Am I really that bad at certain things? I mean, some of my friends get pissed or annoyed when I talk to them about certain things. And my friends are just so hypocritical. Sometimes, they just surprise me with the way they act. They say one thing, but another day they say something that completely throws away their previous statement. I just don't understand how you can do that so easily.
I've hung out with a lot of different friends and friend groups this year. All I've learned is that I don't fit into a single one of them. I'm just a permanent anomaly in each of them. Drama is one. I just don't fit in.
Drama... Fucking drama has made me realize certain things. Like how girls feel up other girls. I never thought I'd get felt up by another girl. Not unless I was actually dating a girl. And they thought I'd be okay with it? Why the hell would I be okay with getting felt up? I was actually pretty messed up when the one girl did that. I actually cried. That was just not my week.
And the stress of having my officers in drama not give a damn about the fucking show. Three of them weren't there half the time. I'm amazed they even did the fucking show. Only two of them were there most of the time. I'm actually kinda okay with them. The only problem is everyone sees me as a fucking noob. Even my friends have told me to my face. They really thought I'd fuck up in the first show. I love how they had no faith in me. No one ever does. Not even my mom half of the time.
And I just... They treat me like a fucking child in drama. I understand I'm new to the theatre, but so are some of these people. Some people have done drama for one fucking year, yet they act like they've been acting their entire lives. Don't be condescending. The worst thing you could do is that. I hate be talked to like I'm a complete idiot. I am not that fucking incapable of doing things.
I just... I'm just so fucking done with trying to fit in. I will not fit in with the groups I'm in, so why do I fucking bother? Funniest part is I'll just go to school next week and act like I always do. That shows how I'm dying inside. And to my friends who read this, just don't talk to me about this like you give a damn. Don't check on me. I don't want your pity that had to be pointed out to you. Obviously you people just aren't able to see through my bullshit. I'm just going back into my writing, hoping it will that at least in my mind I'll be able to get some solace there.
