2013 was an extremely emotional year for me, especially since I actually started feeling emotions, truly. A lot happened including the death of three family members (my great grandmother, my grandfather, and my great great aunt) and my mom's boyfriend left. And to top it all off, my best friend at the time moved after years of saying he would. It was incredibly difficult, and all the stress took a toll on my health. Sadly that was the year I was diagnosed with having really bad anxiety and having depression.
The worst was the person I relied on the most in my life to be there for me, other than my mom, had left me to fend for myself. At the time, I wasn't really a social person nor was I assertive. I was very quiet, and very shy. That year pretty much forced me out of my shell and made me grow as a person.
In the following school year, towards the end of the year, my best friend came back for a small amount of time. Everyone knew he'd be leaving again, including myself. It was extremely tough on me, especially since he didn't seem to want to talk to me much. After he left, I was once again extremely depressed and in a state of grief.
He has been the cause of a lot of pain in my life. Almost yearly he visits the state I live in, and wants to talk to me again. We text for a little while and then he just seems to disappear. I don't know what happens, but I don't stay in contact for very long.
He has caused me a lot of pain, but he has also hurt quite a few of my friendships.
Many of my friends, I believe, feel that they lived in the shadow of what he was. I often talked of him, and I really didn't pay many of my friends the attention that they deserved. I also usually shut myself off from them when talking about him, or if he was mentioned.
I also became a bit jealous when some of my female friends showed interest in him. I had liked him in 4th grade, and I really don't know if I am over him or not. I'm really not sure what I feel about him.
One of my friends had kissed him, and I was pissed both ways since they were both close friends of mine... Both of them also came to me for advice about the other person, and I was stuck in the middle of a heart breaking situation. And to him, I was just a friend. Despite him seeming like he was interested, I really don't think he is attracted to me.
And several times my female friend has been a bit... holding back on information with him, and it has caused us to stop talking a few times. Luckily we are getting better now, but it is still hard.
Then my one guy friend liked me and he was really close to me, but I really think he thought he meant practically nothing to me. He did. I just was a piece of crap and I couldn't stop playing the memory of my best friend in my head.
I have been through a lot of pain and have caused a lot of pain because of this friend, and once again he is trying to contact me. I really don't know what I want to do. He doesn't think things have changed while he's been gone, and it's been really hard on all the people he left behind. I have ruined many special moments of my life grieving over the memory of our friendship. I want this cycle to stop... so maybe I should just let him go and truly just erase him from my life. I hate the person he made me into, but I have grown in spite of him. It's a crappy situation through and through and honestly no one wins in this situation. It sucks, but that's just my life and I need to learn to move on.
