What I Couldn't Tell Him

3-Ready To 𝐷𝐼𝐸?

JAIMIE POV

The next day I walk into school, greeted by Lucy. Well, Lucy is greeted by me. I can't tell if she's reserved or just cold, but I have to remind myself that my curiosity is unwelcome and destructive to the whole plan.

I say, "Hi,"

That's maybe one of the biggest tragedies I'm facing right now. I love so many things about so many people. When they rant about something they love, when I learn what they do with their hands when they're not busy, what song they add to the playlist when they're drunk and think nobody's looking. I can't have any of that because I can't bear to lose it again.

"Good luck." She murmurs, a bit bluntly. I blink, but for some reason she doesn't seem mean.

"With?"

"Alden." She scoffs. I nod.

We are quiet for a while. The silence isn't exactly heavy, but it isn't settled either. I don't want to irritate her. To my surprise, she breaks it.

"It wouldn't surprise me if he acted weird today. Whenever there's a girl he wants in his bed, he goes all... You know, charming." She says, her nose scrunched up disdainfully.

I laugh lightly, and she lets out a flash of a smile.

More things I would come to know if I was allowed: the way her nose hooks down, elegant and regal, kind of swan-like, the golden warmth in her skin, and the way the bubblegum blue of her hair sets it off. What that quick smile means. But I can't. All I can do is be nobody and make sure she is nobody to me.

She is sat on a bench, knees tucked up to her chest with her headphones in. I don't know what she's listening to, and I don't ask.

I like her bluntness. It's easy to stomach because of how refreshing it is, and makes it easy to avoid talking about myself. I'm a fan of straight answers, though I'm not exactly in the business of them myself.

"Hello! Ready to die?" Jenni asks, walking slowly around a corner. She flips her auburn hair over her shoulder and it lands haphazardly on her head. It looks good somehow.

"Yep." I choke out. She gives me a curious glance, surprised at my awkwardness, and I try to cover it with a fake cough and a breezy smile.

Elodie and McKenzie wander over, deep in conversation.

I ignore them all. It's not that I don't like them, I'm just in my own head today. I have a doctors appointment scheduled for today. One more in a long, macabre march to the distant horizon.

I decided. Today is the day I ask. This way I can plan to the day who's hearts I won't break.

Jenni and Lucy are having a fairly staccato conversation, and Mckenzie and Elodie exclaim things in high pitched tones, smoothing their perfectly straight hair. It seems like two different languages.

"Hey there, gorgeous." A deep voice rumbles from behind me. Lucy gives me a knowing look then casts a disgusted glare at the source of the voice.

I don't bother turning around.

"Oh come on, we got off to a bad start, let's fix it," Alden says, placing a hand on my shoulder lightly.

"Don't touch me." I throw his arm back at him.

"Sorry, sorry. Had a late night or something?" He laughs. I hear his voice, drenched in honey, slow and steady.

I try my best not to judge people, but one thing that I can never stomach is that falseness I can hear in him. When someone is trying to control your perception of them, rather than letting you make judgements about who they actually are. He's practiced that tone. He thinks he can control what I see in him.

"Yeah, because a certain moron was longingly throwing rocks at my window."

"That's not how it happened." He says, adding a short laugh and folding his arms, but I can see the pink flush in his cheeks.

"See who everyone believes,"

"Fuck's sake. I'm trying to be nice! Well, whatever, have a nice day." He says, pushing a hand through his hair, before walking off in long, harsh paces.

Lucy seems entirely nonchalant but the other girls stare in awe.

"Twice in a row!" Jenni applauds. I laugh.

"Someone's got to shut him up."

We have different lessons and I have a lot to think about at the back of the classroom.

I have known these girls for two days and they seem more like an Alden Wolff Hate Society than a group of friends. I'm already stressed about our growing closeness. I spent the entire car journey here concocting excuses and lies to blow people off. It's an activity I resume when I feel myself forgetting what I'm doing here. Stacking them up, hundreds of variations, calms me, reminds me of who I have to be.

Though unwelcome in my thoughts, Alden Wolff creeps in. Somehow in only a day, he has managed to insert himself firmly in my head. He's such a cliché, from his cocky walk to his pretty face. If he thinks I'm going to submit to his cringe flirting after yesterday then he's an even bigger idiot than I give him credit for.

And the doctor's appointment. Of course I'm scared of the main event, but there's no good outcome. What if they tell me I have pushed away my family and friends for nothing? Maybe even that is wishful thinking.

The whole day, I'm in a kind of trance.