What I Couldn't Tell Him

28 - Little White Lies

JAIMIE PERRON

When I lean back against him and we pull away, I am punched in the stomach by guilt. I dont know what that was, but I know that I want it to happen again. It is completely selfish. I have ruined so many relationships, and I am going to ruin so many more.

I dragged my mum away from her friends, her job, her social life to come here. This was a calculated move and I have screwed up. She was willing to sacrifice her life for me, to move away just so I was comfortable. I am disgusted at myself.

She phoned me, tired and anxious. She told me that I have an urgent hospital appointment tomorrow afternoon. It has sobered me.

I am not a teenage girl who moved to make new friends. I am dynamite, the fuse lit years ago and about to blow up and make an crater.

I will take a chunk out of everyone, and its too late.

I didn't notice the tears slip out of my eyes. I am brought back to my senses when he brakes and I slam into his muscular back.

I wipe my eyes hastily, moving into a shadowed part. I look at the tree in front of me and realise where I am.

"We didn't have the best time last time, so I thought-" He starts to explain. Then he spins, his bright eyes lighting up with concern.

"What's wrong?" He strides over to me and spins me around, tipping my chin until I look into his eyes. His thumb brushes my cheek. His muscles tense snd he pulls back, realising the proximity.

"Nothing." I say with as much assurance as my weak body can fake, which is not enough to be convincing.

"What is it? You can go home if you want?"

He keeps his tone steady but I see the worry in his dropped shoulders. He thinks I have a problem with him.

"No!" I recover, "That's not it."

He shows a brief indication of relief and resumes his generally questioning look.

"Its erm.. I cant explain it." I say weakly, breaking his eye contact. He doesn't give up.

I dont know what I was expecting after our embrace earlier, bur I didn't expect him to bend down and sweep me off my feet like a doll.

"What are you doing?" I say, a little laugh escaping my lips. I am giddy with the contact and the random romantic gestures.

"I'm carrying you."

"Well, never." I say sarcastically, "Why are you carrying me?"

"Because I couldn't be assed to wait for you." He chuckles, speeding up. He has flipped the mood somehow, but I know he isn't done with it. As understanding as he is, there is only a certain amount of unfinished sentences one person can handle.

We make it to the waterfall, embarrassingly faster than when I walked. I wonder about how strong he is, because I'm not small.

When he drops me I absent-mindedly let my eyes wander to his muscles. Being the confident, ex-player he is, he notices.

"You checking me out?"

"What? Why would I do that?" I scoff, burning up. I'm being betrayed by my blood vessels, and it seems childish not to just say maybe i am? 

"Well, I'm practically a sex god. I have the muscles of a football player, and an amazing face and abs and-"

"A massive ego."

He laughs and it is painfully attractive.

"Now you're going to tell me what the f*ck just happened." He demands, voice oddly calm, sitting at the waters edge. He turns and motions for me to come too. I sit next to him and lean on him, unable to resist the feeling of him and his smell. As creepy as that sounds. It's like when you walk outside on the first honest summers day; it makes me feel like my lungs can fill all the way for once.