Just Me

My open letter!

Yes, it is for you, who made everyday scarier than it already was for 10 years and counting. It is for you, who made me realize how easily a person can change, the one who changed me completely into ways I never thought I'd enter. Indeed for you with whom I share maximum of my memories but most importantly it is for you my dear bully who made me the strong independent woman I am today.

For the years that have gone by, I've always been nice to you no matter how you dragged me around. I did not do that out of more fear, definitely not because of a soft spot but instead just cause there's karma and I should be the nice little girl I was always taught to be. But it got nothing out of me but more of anxiety and more fear. Every person i meet i have the constant fear in the back of my head that what if they are out to hurt and destroy me like you did . And that fear, it ruins everything because it doesn't allow me to think straight.

I'm sure you've had your reasons for treating me this way  so I'm not going to judge or question it. But these acts of yours put a lot of questions in my head and thats killing me because I can't answer them. It bought out insecurities like I'm probably too tiny or ugly or just not good enough for anything. It made me strong  yes, but it also made me feel like a pushover. I dont ever wanna say no just beacuse I dont want to get on their bad side and be treated like I was by you. I get so much into pleasing the other person and giving them what they want that I  hurt myself really  bad in the process.

For years i was your rag cloth. You'd put me so low that everyone thought it would be fine to kick me now that I'm already down. They started treating me like a rag as well. Insulting me like even thats an honour for me to hear. Giving me physical blows only cause I will take them all silently. You alone being a bully is one thing but you had turned everyone against me. My belongings never had value did they? Cause they always wound up in the trash can where I had to retrieve it from.

Going through everyday in your presence was physically and mentally draining. So yes! I break down often. Definitely more than what the other kids did. I had to cry to let it out cause it was exhillerating but you just found that as an opportunity to make more fun of me. You really enjoyed when I sat down on the floor in the middle of the classroom crying till I couldn't see anymore. And yet I was dumb enough to get up and be nice and sincere to you.

Thinking about it now I was stupid when you started becoming nice to me. I thought you had genuinely changed and I responded back with a smile no matter what kind of memory clouded my brain. I got close to you as the days passed. I was convinced that you meant it whole heartedly every time you apologized. I trusted you with every ounce of trust I had. I mean given our history why did I have to be silly enough to do that? I got closer than I should have. I opened up to you about everything. The level of intimacy I shared with you just shows how blind my morals were making me. Now I realize that every time my mind told me Appy he's changed he's good it was just lying.

But you enjoyed all of this. You had the upper hand stronger than ever. You now get to rule my life in ways I couldn't have imagined. You weighed in on every decision I made. You made me feel smaller than ever before. You spoiled the idea of me to everyone. They all looked at me and yet didn't see me. They instead saw an illusion of me that you created. I don't have a shot at first impressions with someone who's already spoken to you.

I'm a shattered window, but I never complained but today you're back here after backstabbing me for a year telling me that I can trust you again and I give you a very respectful bow for it. I can't trust my best friend because of how you left me so yeah let's just keep me trusting you again far off the table. You have a sharp and a mighty sword. Something that has made so many scars on me and so mighty that it has turned my closest against me.

Everytime there is an accusation against you, I stand up for you cause regardless of how you have been with me, I know there's good in you somewhere that you don't want to exploit. And for all this you show how grateful you are by breaking me over and over again. No matter how much of a vegetable you make me I for some reason will still respect you the way I did since we were both six years old.

If any one of you is being bullied or ragged or is being hurt by someone on purpose, you don't deserve to get your heart intoxicated by that person. You have to stand up for yourself. Do it before it's too late or you'll end up as broken as I am. If you ever want to talk about it, feel free to message me and I promise to hear you out and do the best I can to help you! It's time you changed and made things better for yourself.

Love,
Appy.