Just Me

The New Normal

A new year has begun but the past doesn't end. It's comes along. It's so intense and so clingy that after a while all of it just becomes the new normal. From the outside world it's all a haze. A thunderstorm or a cyclone even. But in the middle of all of it it's never been any more clear. It's all just a part of the normal. It's disruptive but yet so calm. It's stressful but still relaxing. It's everything you've ever despised but even then it's all so familiar and comfortable. Cause even you know now that all of it is 'The New Normal'.

With every breath comes a sense of relief or maybe even anxiety but who knows? The brain believes what it's told to. The master's wish is its command. When you've begun to adapt to the changes you feel that you're creating an illusion to feel better. But no. It's all been for so long that it's grown on your skin and is now a part of you. It's not an illusion which can be shattered but instead it's the reality which you've finally come in peace with. After all how long can you fight back?

Being lost is not so scary now cause that's the road you're so familiar with. The path that you feel homely in. And that's the only road which seems normal. Words are not a form of expression at this point but instead they just contribute to the noise around you. Some more alarming than others but overall just noise. The only thing that's normal is silence and being quite.  Fun, laugh, light and life have drifted away so far that heaven seems closer than them.

A few thoughts are so recurring that it doesn't feel different when they occur at times they're not supposed to. Now even when I get the feeling of crying, my brain tells me you're sad my tear gland is like "Naa gurl! It's all normal!" But then when everything is fine I go total psyco mode and thrash my place. And then I get helpless. Still angry but also helpless. I just sit there in the middle of the mess I created as tears roll down. Not out of sadness but from fear. I'm just scared and all I can do is hug my blanket and sit there terrified.

The only thing that I can do and that will calm me down is hurting myself. Graffiti on my left hand. Every little thing is pretentious. Not seeing the sun and breathing fresh air for days seems perfectly normal. Running from everything isn't tiring anymore. Cause it's what you're used to.

Once was addicted to snapchat so much so that I had to send a snap to everyone atleast once in two hours. So addicted that it saturated my life. I only wanted to do things I could snap about. And I tried to make my life more interesting, more presentable and I tried to make it look the ideal "PERFECT". I became so compulsive that I was the main cause of my panic attacks. So bad that I drove myself to the brinks of insanity and that is not me exaggerating. I was tired of myself if that's even possible! I deleted snapchat. But how much difference can an app make? Yes, I was back to being sane but living? That I was still weirded out by. So i did the next thing and pulled myself off the grid.

No phone for a week. Might be partially because I threw it someplace and didn't bother searching for it amongst the mess I was living in. But yes. I cut off contact. I guess that was just me coping with the new normal. I do not want you to be sympathize with ms and I don't want you to be all protective and caring and always smothering me. I will accept everything as normal but not that.

So this is it. This is my new normal and I guess I just have to build it better from here.

It's not just my mental stability that has changed. It's not only my surroundings. It's everything. Every tiny minute detail. Looking back at yesterday I only realize I'm something new today. It's probably the cause I stand for, or the values I believe in. It's the things I support and relate to. It's about every like and dislike I have currently. Things are so fast that this is probably the last chapter, or I might even publish a new book. We'll never know. I mean atleast for now. Everything is so fast that it's like a horror movie being played in front of my eyes. It's going on and I'm just sitting disconnected from my life watching me screw up my life. I know I can do something to stop it. And I want to do something to stop it but I'm just paralyzed as I sit back in distress. So if this it if there's something I want you to know,

I'm Appy and you don't know my story. 'Cause hell with it I can't figure it out myself.

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I lost my fair share of things transitioning to this new normal. But you don't have to. Just remember to always be true to yourself. It doesn't matter who you lie to. Just make sure you know the truth. That's something I was never able to do. Always have a clear mind. The more you cloud it with unnecessary thoughts the less productive you'll be. Don't let people be mean to you. At this point for some odd reason I'm only defining myself with four words! 'Fat, ugly, short, stupid'. Don't do that to yourself. You deserve more. Also, don't ever leave words unspoken. Don't make the other person fill in the blanks. That's only gonna destroy your relationship with them and destroy you. Finish everything you start and start applying that from your sentences.

The things I tell you to do is a way of telling these things to myself. Convincing myself to these so that I can pull myself out of the mess I'm drowning in. It's a way for me to avoid making "red graffiti" on mg left hand or my things. It's me making sense of the tumbling world around me. So I'm sorry for any of the inconvenience that I've caused in the process.