Just Me

If I go....

           

Papa if I go it wasn't because I couldn't be with you or because you made it hard to live. It was only because I couldn't be YOUR daughter. I could've been anyone else's daughter but you dear father deserve much more. I'm sorry that I failed you and I failed myself. I'm truly sorry that I didn't pass the entrance to your heart. CBSE was truly brutal. If I go today its cause I validated myself with number way more than I thought. I'm not crying right now cause I'm not happy. I'm not crying out of fear for my future. I'm only crying 'cause I'll lose you! If I sleep tonight and don't wake up again don't be sad that you lost your daughter. Think of it as your daughter failed you again. That way it'll be just any other day.

           

Ma.....

Thank you so much for being an inspiration for me to be strong and brave and be the man that I claim I am but well it wasn't my cup of tea. I'm more of a water person. I know that you thought you were doing the right thing and you were playing your cards right to keep this family together and to have peace in your life and mine I'm sure. But mum, they didn't work in my favour. I know you made me suppress my anger and tears 'cause well one is not supposed to cry but mum the thing is it made me cry twice or even thrice the harder behind my locked door. I know you didn't mean to hurt me every time you critiqued me or you taunted me. I'm sure it was only to make me stronger and better prepared for everything yet to come. The only problem was that it destroyed me in the process. I was dealing with insecurities because of my peers. I was bullied in school so when I came back home it would be nice to have someone.

Death notes have a funny effect. I was only two paragraphs into mine when I realized that its okay. I can live. I can live another day only to write another death note on something else. I can live to correct my failures and I can work harder to be something I know will make me want to keep living. Most mornings I wake up thinking that 'things will become better' is only a mere myth. I wake up wanting to sleep forever. I wake up with an agenda to quit everything. But then again when I write it out or speak it out I start to realize how things can be alright. I can make them alright hopefully. Death note have their own weird and special way of working up to make you realize that you can stay alive. A little longer at least for now. Life sucks. It truly does but we can turn it around if it takes a bad thought to realize it then so be it.

           

So write you story. Speak it out. To yourself, to your best friend or maybe even the world. Doesn't matter if anyone hears it not. The only thing that will matter is if you're listening to yourself. I thought about quitting this book and deleting it because 1. It's so repetitive, 2. Why would someone read my rants? But then I realized at this point I'm not writing it for someone to read but instead it's my opportunity or platform even to clear my head, to voice my thoughts and yet another pathetic attempt at making myself feel better.

Some corner in my brain keeps telling that it'll get better someday and I can do this. I can manage to survive through it all. I can beat the bullies, the critics, the evil society, and my poor parents who obviously read a very terrible parenting handbook. I can do this! I can live to see the light at the other end of this tunnel. I'm strong enough and brave enough to survive the bad memories to ensure I make good ones or at least try for better ones. I love me and that counts for something.

           

So,                                                                                                                                                                                                 

Dear death note,

For today you're not gonna come alive. You are only one of the many drafts yet to come. But honestly for this moment at least I hope you always work your magic like you did today and all you're gonna stay is a draft.

Love,

The girl you saved today.

XOXO