Just Me

The black sari

Hands filled with graffiti marks and thighs grazed with cuts. As I lock myself in the dimly lit room of mine with lights which make it look like a strip club I look at my phone. Not because of a message. No. Because I was confused about the pills lying in front of me. Will it kill me for good or just cause gas? Turns out the pills I stole from my mother's side table only helps in reducing stomach acidity and will give me constipation. With disappointment I go back to her room to place the pills when my eye catches the needle pack. I quickly pick one up. As I try cutting a vein popping out at my wrist I wrote my last cry sitting in a hot water bath.

"Soaked in water and soon to be soaked in blood this is my one last cry. In my final moment as I look at my wrist and then the sharp tip of the needle I realize that how in the most desperate of times your worst fear can be the only thing you need. If I go today these will be my last thoughts and my last words. For a person who has only lived by words I'm trying to craft these last ones with utmost care and make it as beautiful as possible but the blood is rushing all over so fast it's like it can't wait to come out. This is my one last cry. Turn back and listen to me. You've ignored me enough, you've made me hate myself enough but turn back this one time and value my words. Listen to them and act upon them. If someone is actually reading this then it's too late. I sang my last cry alone."

But alas. My skin was too thick and my hands too weak for the needle to go through it and release all that blood I had excited. Drying myself off I sat in front of my closet to find something as comfortable as heaven to slip into and just then my wonderful eyes set themselves on the black sari. The long 9 yard piece of cloth. Sleek and beautiful. With tiny silver dots in a regular fashion. Clearly the most elegant piece of clothing in my wardrobe. That very cloth symbolizes the happiest day for me. And for my mother of course. It's the day her little angel blossomed into a young woman. That sari was not only my pathway to womanhood. Today, it would become my pathway to happiness and peace.

As I quickly placed my chair on my bed and try standing up on it with shaky legs my heart kept telling me that I'm going wrong with something. But, to my astonishment that very minute my mind had never been more clearer. My thoughts didn't contain the slightest of doubt. My weak knees didn't want to support it but I'm way more stubborn than they are. I climbed onto the now rocking chair and put the sari over my ceiling fan. My short height didn't make it easier but I managed well. But then once it was secured to the fan I was supposed to secure it to my throat. That very second it dawned upon me that I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to tie a knot that will choke me. I haven't known a lot of answers in my life but none of them have ever made me feel bad. But this one hit me like an iron rod thrown from a ten story building. I broke down. I cried not because I wanted to kill myself but instead 'cause I didn't know how to.

My stupidity and ignorance are the reason why I survived and lived to tell the tale of my pathetic attempt at self satisfaction. So basically stupidity isn't all bad. I'm alive today and all that credit goes to my dumb brain. Today it gave me another chance at life. Here's hoping that it'll continue to keep giving more and more with each day. But for now a new day to tell a brand new story of my life. The story of a teen realizing herself. Not in a 'Eat Pray Love' way but through the journey of emotions she wakes up with. Happy, sad, angry, restless or even excited. I'm another 18 year old seeing myself though a new peephole each day. Some days the peephole only shows the bad parts but well we're still working to close all of them. Clearly its still under maintenance. So sorry for the inconvenience?

But well for now, signing off is

JUST ME!