Just Me

A society's pawn

Oh little girl with the lovely curls

What brings you up here in the dark?

Nowhere to be but wandering the park

With eyes as lost as a sky without stars✖️

Oh little girl with the loveliest of smiles

What have you got buried under there

As I sat next to her in the chair

With a sly grin she showed her back bare✖️

Oh little girl you hide this glow

But never worth it to go with the flow

'Cause the real you will let you fly

And the reel you will be shot in the dark of this sky✖️

'Cause who she was, was an angel

An angel covered in dirt and rust

She was the masterpiece who never got to see the light

But she stood as proud as a dealer without a bust✖️

Faking it to live a life

'Cause even with a brain as sharp as a knife.

And a glow like a torch light

She was a mere pawn in the social fight.✖️

Oh little girl with that big a treasure,

Open you wings and for your own pleasure

Fly so high that the cruel society succumbs✖️

Oh little girl with the prettiest of wings

Let 'em free and fly away

And remember as you grow that sky is your limit

And you have somewhere to reach.

✖✖✖✖✖✖✖

The world is a confusing place. The society makes everything so hard to understand. They ask me what my name is but give me a label before I can tell. I'm asked what I do but yet judge my actions before I can show. I'm always told how I'm all about this and I'm all about that but never can I portray all that I actually am.

I honestly confess that the steps I've taken have led me to the hot mess I am today. I fall with a loud thud and apologize for my awkward silence. I do everything in my power to not pollute your aura with my essence and yet I fail miserably in each path I take because I'm just a mere grain in the with so many "gentle brains".

Everyday makes me lose a little bit more. The people think that their actions are sculpting me into this perfect piece of art but what if I can't take the hammer anymore? I can make myself resist your hammer but it burns when your acid changes who I am. So strong that it turns the last bit of me into something new. You change me and then can't accept who I've become.

Ignored are my dreams like a crow's screams. All that I am and that I can be are hidden so deep that lately even I can't find them. I can't remember what I want or what I am. I've been acting as this perfect person that I can't remember who I used to be. I can't remember what kind of things I actually like. I've turned into this mainstream person who can't differentiate between an illusion and the real version of me. It all seems dramatic and over exaggerating when i pen it down. But for me this feels like going through Dante's map of hell. The fright, the confusion, the sense of disgust and nausea. Just like the worst nightmare.

I've been trying to fit into this mould given to me. A mould that'll transform me into a perfect pawn. But just that it was not made for me. It is so much smaller than I am that it's been bruising me all around. 'Cause I'm an expanding universe put into a pore. Trying so hard to please others that I've lost myself. I'm so numb of everything happening around me that pain is the only thing telling me I'm still alive. It makes me dizzy thinking about everything I'm doing to shape up to idea of "perfect" the society has given to me cause that perfect had only been driving me crazy.

It's easy to say that it is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you aren't. But I have my fair share of insecurities. I care what label a stranger gives me when they glance at me. I'm the one who's paranoid about the impression you have on me. Yes I'm crazy enough to feel that I'm constantly being judged cause isn't that what's happening? I speak a little louder, then I'm immediately a hot head. I tell you honestly how you make me feel, that definitely makes me rude and I obviously don't have a filter. I get intimate with someone I love? Yes honey that makes me a slut. Oh and wearing short clothes cause they're comfortable makes me a hoe. It's upsetting that we live with such shallow minds and that most of the times our thoughts towards a person is only skin deep.

My thoughts are backed by so many insecurities that they create the lies I believe in. The society telling me more about it only makes my belief in them stronger. I know that I can't change everyone around me but I can control my thoughts and the way I feel. But, living in my world I am nothing but the society's pawn. I do what I hear and bend my head where I'm supposed to.

I'm not writing this because I need attention and compliments. No matter how many times you call me pretty or tell me I'm good enough I'll never believe you. I'm writing this to help myself with a fresh start. I'm under no obligation to make sense to you and yet I try so hard everyday. I'm at a point where everything is saturated to an extent where I don't want my life anymore.

I hold back so many panic attacks everyday because I'm in public. And holding back a meltdown really hurts a lot. I'm always lost in my sick head waiting and hoping to be found. I've had many bullies and enemies in the past but I'm my biggest enemy I can see. All I need saving from is myself.

So,

Dear society,

I'm sorry I can't come out today I'm too busy being imperfect

Sincerely

The insecure girl you created.

I'm having so many thoughts lately regarding who I am and what I can be its all scary. So I'm sorry if I wasn't who I was to you lately. I'm just trying to fight off all the threads that was holding me tight and being used to tug me back.

Ps.

I love you