A beating heart

Chapter 6

6.

She was woken by Bash's light snoring in her ear, his arm snuggly wrapped around her body, the sheets tangled between their legs.

It had become a routine. She would wake up in his arms, him still soundly asleep and for a faint moment each morning she would let her mind wander. Allowing herself to imagine that it was Francis' arms, tightly wound around her body, his breathing on her skin. And each morning she would have to stop herself, shaking the thoughts from her mind as she gently folded her body out of Bash's tight embrace without waking him.

He always looked so peaceful, so carefree. She envied him for that. She had her cheerful moments of course, but ever since their first night together she had never truly felt happy. There would always be the nagging thoughts in the back of her mind, especially in the mornings. And as if on cue, her stomached growled, the now familiar pain making her whole body tense as she sat up in bed. She felt a tingling sensation at the back of her throat and just in time she reached for her chamber pod, her stomach emptying it's spare contents out of her mouth.

The noise must have woken her husband, as she could now feel him stir on the bed behind her, sleep still thick in his voice.

„Mary darling, are you alright?", she could sense the sincerity in his voice as he placed his strong hands on her shoulder, forcing her body to relax.

„I ... yes, I just feel a bit dizzy, is all." her voice was shaking and she cursed herself.

He had already looked at her with worry in his eyes whenever she had seen him these past week. She spent the majority of her time in her chambers, talking to her ladies or reading. Bash knew her too well to be fooled by fake smiles, he would instantly notice how her eyes always looked tired and her normally radiant skin had grown paler. So she tried to avoid him as much as possible, not wanting to further fuel his concern.

She let go of the chamber bod, her hands shaking slightly, he should have never seen her like this. She couldn't just blame her nausea on tiredness or a migraine, he would never believe her. His brows furrowed in concern, he reached for her arm, gently rubbing the back of her hand.

„I am worried, you really don't look well." he gave her hand a light squeeze.

She let out a shaky breath. Why did he have to care so much, couldn't he for once be absent, ignorant to his wife sorrow. He loved her so much, whenever he looked at her, she could see it in his soft green eyes. She knew that she would never be able to fully reciprocate his feelings and the thought tugged at her already weakened heart.

She started on last attempt to calm his worry.

„Bash, really I am fine." her voice didn't sound convincing at all.

She felt another sharp pain in her stomach and instinctively her hands clutched her middle.

She could feel him move from the bed behind her, now positioning himself before her, his eyes determined.

„I love you, and I know you're still grieving from my brother. But please, let me help you." her hand was in his again and his face was mere inches away from hers.

She hated herself in that moment. It wasn't fair to Bash, she had forced him into this marriage, and he had so selflessly gone along with it. No matter how hard she tried she just couldn't give into him, entrust him with her heart.

„I will tell Nostradamus to check on you. You've looked so pail these past days and I want to be sure you are well." he kissed her cheek, forcing a smile on her lips.

For a moment she let her facade fall and gave into him, letting her face fall against his chest, the sound of his steady heartbeat soothing her mind. He felt so familiar and yet, the way his arms were wrapped around her body, just didn't feel right.