A beating heart

Chapter 22

She looked happy, enjoying the sun with Kenna and her daughter. He wasn't gonna lie, it had hurt to find out about her daughter's name. He still wasn't sure why she had done it, what benefit it would bring her or the child. If he didn't miss her so dearly, her anew betray would have rendered him senseless with anger, but in the end his heart was always stronger.

His hands were pressed against the windowsill as he couldn't take his eyes off her. The three of them were too far away to tell exactly what they were doing but she truly seemed relaxed, a rare sight theses days. Whenever he had seen her these past weeks, which hadn't been often, she would have quickly hurried away as if she had been scared of his reaction. And no matter how often he had requested to see her, he had been denied every single time.

‚She doesn't want to see you.' he had now lost count of how many times Kenna had told him those exact words. Mary's lady was avid in her role as her Queen's protector and guard dog. She had only slipped up that one time at the feast. She must have been quite intoxicated by all the wine back than, as she had never remotely opened up to him that much since that encounter.

Sometime he thought to have seen pity flash in her deep brown eyes when she had rejected him, time after time, after time. He had tried to coax something out of her without success. No matter how charming his words had been or how many glasses of wine he had offered her, she would always refuse and quickly seek to escape his presence. If the whole thing wasn't so frustrating, he would have chuckled at how scared she seemed to be of him now. He knew it, and she did as well. She had let something slip once, proof that her cold facade wasn't impenetrable.

Maybe she even longed to tell him more than she could allow herself to, but in the end she always stayed loyal to Mary. He respected that devotion, even if he didn't agree with it. Sometimes he was simply thankful to know that Mary had a least one true friend she could rely on.

This was truly a rare occasion, she was so close, just a few meters away, out there on the grass. Thinking about it, this must bee the first time, he had ever seen her with the baby and he wasn't sure how he felt about it. Of course he was glad that they had both survived and the child was now safe in her mother arms. But at the same time she was the living and breathing reminder of everything that had passed between them. She really was married to his brother and in truth there wasn't anything he could do against that. His bastard brother was the one with the golden crown on his head while he was dammed to hide behind windows to catch even the faintest glimpse of her.

He could see the baby in Mary's lap while Kenna was pulling faces at her, eliciting a smile from the child and mother both. This was wrong, hiding here in the shadows. She was happy, or at least happier than he had seen her in a long while and who was he to disturb that happiness. What gave him the right to interfere with her life? This had been her choice after all, maybe this truly was what she wanted.

He clenched his fists, the frustration making his fingers tremble. He allowed his head to fall against the cool stone as he tried his best to clear his mind.

He wouldn't stop now, he had promised himself that weeks ago at her bedside. No, he shouldn't care if it made her uncomfortable, he had to do this, for himself. He needed to at least try. That, he owed his still aching heart.

It took every last bit of his will power to bring himself to leave his safe hideout behind the window. He hated admitting it, but in that moment he was scared, like a small boy facing his biggest fear. His heart was racing in his chest, just at the thought of seeing her so close again.

How would she react? Would he even get close enough, or would Kenna keep him away? Would she actually speak to him, or allow herself to look at him without the heavy fear and sadness in her eyes?