A beating heart

Chapter 19

note: So I think I finally figured out most of the remaining plot and I'm guessing there will be at least 7 more chapters to come. I intend to end it a lot faster, but the story just developed better this way so I'm sticking with it. As alway a big thank you to all the reviewers on the previous chapter. Please don't be afraid to comment, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

So here you go, I hope you'll enjoy this chapter :)

(disclaimer: I own nothing)

19.

It was pure cowardliness, she knew that, but she just couldn't bring herself to stay.

The chambers she had spent the greater part of the past months in, seemed to be closing in and slowly suffocating her. He had changed so much, they both had. It wasn't fair to put the blame on him but she simply couldn't stand it any longer.

And he must have felt it too, the way she would barely offer him any words or how she always sought to escape his presence. She would keep the baby from him as well, she wasn't even sure why, but the instincts in her gut were undeniable.

For months she had known, been painfully aware that she didn't love him, never truly had and never would. When she had woken from her state of unconsciousness, already on the brink of death, it hadn't been his voice that had brought her back, not his eyes that had greeted hers. He cared for her so much, he loved her more than she could ever love him and the pain that flashed in his eyes whenever she turned a cold shoulder ate away at her. He was the person she had vowed to spend her life with, whom's promise she wore on her finger each day and it wasn't right. He was her husband, but now that was nothing more than a meaningless title. Their relationship had never been true from the beginning. She had wanted it to work, she truly had. All her efforts had been of nought, her heart couldn't bare loving another person, letting anyone else in, and so it had all crumbled. Her choices had turned all three of their lives into misery and pain, none of them could escape.

Maybe she had given up too easily, maybe she should have tried harder, maybe it was her selfishness that kept her from loving him. But she couldn't change that now, she couldn't change her past actions, couldn't change the fact that her daughter wasn't his and she wasn't sure she wanted to.

She cared for him and he was important to her, and not only because she needed the French support for her people in Scotland or because he was the man wearing the crown. No he was part of her life, and he would alway play an essential role. He had been her brother when they were all small, chasing after one another in the gardens. He had been the person to do silly things with and secretly drink wine in the stables till her cheeks would be bright red. He was the one she would complain about his brother to, an he had always listened so patiently.

It was all so cruel and unfair, he didn't deserve this, her. He loved her and she had used his love to save his brother, all the while never returning his feelings. Maybe he was the better man, the better choice but nothing could change the fact that he wasn't the man who held her heart. Her love was and had always been meant for another. His touch didn't electrify her skin, his voice didn't make her stomach flutter in anticipation and she hated herself for it.

Partly she was disgusted by herself. She had forsaken her marriage vows, her duties as his wife. But she couldn't bare it for another minute, couldn't stand his guilt infusing presence for another moment. She had to get out, move from his grasp and allow herself to breathe again.

Her daughter needed a father, but she couldn't bare the thought of trusting him with her. Of course he would never hurt the baby, not even if he knew that she wasn't his, he was too good a man. But she couldn't live with the guilt of lying to him any longer, it wasn't right.