A beating heart

Chapter 20

‚I am sorry' her tear-filled brown eyes closed in on him. He reached out for her face, but the moment he meant to touch her soft skin it was all ripped away.

He shot up in bed, his heart racing in his chest, and he was panting so heavily as if he had run ten miles. He could hear the blood rushing in his ears and his hand reached out to the other side of the bed. But all he could feel, was the thin sheets and more pillows, it was empty. There was no one in the bed with him, he was alone.

His mind seemed to be spinning as he slowly sat up under the covers. She had been so close, he could have sworn that she had been just there, inches from his face. But the air before him was empty, only lost dust flakes dancing in the morning sun. He rubbed his eyes and ran his hand through his messy hair.

The warm sun rays tingled his skin and the bright light was straining his eyes. For a moment he pretended to forget, to imagine a time so far away now. These had been, in his chambers, in this familiar bed, he had spent so many nights in. The room held countless memories, too many.

Months ago, this was the exact spot he had woken in, to find her sound asleep in his arms. The sweet smell of her hair and soft skin had filled his nose and the way her body had fit into his had seemed so perfect. They had been meant for each other, at least in that moment.

Everything had been perfect back than, or at least he had thought so. Their kisses had reeked of sweetness and love and when he had tickled her she would let out squeals of joy, playfully punching his shoulder in reply. Her eyes would glow whenever they had met his and he had felt the love filling his heart.

He had kissed her stomach and whispered in her ear that he hoped she was pregnant. She had thrown one of the small decorative pillows at his head in response, giggling happily. They had been so sure of their future together. There wedding only weeks away and they had already dreamed of the children they undoubtedly would have one day.

They had already thought of names and they had a passionate debate on the matter. She had wanted their first son to be named James, after her late father, who she had never known. But they had disagreed over their daughter's name. Margaret or Jane, after her father's sisters or Cathrine she had argued, since the name ran in in both their families. But he had determinedly shaken his head, no he wouldn't name his child after his mother. Of course Cathrine would be thrilled, but no child deserved that burden.

Anne, he had proposed, his eyes glimmering with excitement. The name had a nice ring to it and he had always liked it. There was no particular connection to either of their families, but maybe that could be a good thing. It would be a fresh start, their own family and not a painful reminder of their treacherous ancestors.

She had looked at him with doubt filled eyes back then, but in the end she had stood no chance against his pleading face and the way he had sprinkled her neck with kisses.

Now that was all gone, only a fading memories of silly dreams. He felt it like a sting in the chest, the realization that those moments were forever lost now. ‚I am so sorry' her voice rang in his head. But her apologies did nothing to lessen his sorrow.

The children they had dreamed of, their life together it was all he had ever wanted but it was the one thing that he could never have. The babe in her arms wasn't his and the ring on her finger bore his brother's name. A heaviness filled his chest and he could feel a tingling sensation at the pit of his empty stomach. It wasn't really jealousy he felt, rather the pain of an empty heart.

For a moment he had forgotten why he was still here, why he hadn't left this cursed place and all the painful memories it held. He had promised her, he had vowed that he would fight this time. It had sounded so courages and heroic back then, when in truth he hadn't the faintest idea how.