The Chapters of My Ending

Innocent Body. Sinful Touch

I have a higher intelligence then most, but that does not mean I have a more powerful memory, just like everyone else I hardly remember the ages of birth to four. I do remember though being abandoned.

At four years old, I walked around the halls of Hell, lost and confused, crying for my fucking whore of a mother. Tears streamed down my round face covered with baby fat, my black glossy Mary Janes contrasted with the matte walls of Hell. The yellow dress with a grey ribbon complimented my eyes as I looked around. My mother was nowhere to be found.

A Hispanic man approached me with a booming voice. "Why are you here little one, with no one around?" I looked at him with fear, why did he approach, I'm not alone, I told myself, but I was. He knelt down in front of me, meeting my eyes. "Sweetheart, where's your mommy or daddy?" I shrugged my shoulders, I didn't know. He held his hand out for me to hold and I took it, it was warm and felt safe. Little did I know.

He later told me after he had given me something to drink, a cupcake to eat, and a book to read that his name was "Jesus." I told him my name and age, which I was very proud of, as I continued to drink what he gave me, sleep washed over my little body. However, this was not a normal sleepy like feeling, instead it felt like I was there but could not move or say anything. I very clearly remembered.

Jesus took me and cradled me gently in his arms before he laid me on the bed. How I wish I could have screamed, how I wished I would have believed the doubt in me that told me what he was doing was wrong. His hands slowly took off my Mary Janes and my little socks with a frilly edge and he set them to the side. They then moved to the bottom of my dress and slowly lifted it over my head. He told me to lift up my arms and I shook my head drugged up and tired "N-no", but I did so, he then proceeded to pull my dress off and I was left exposed at four years old with a strange man and no mother in sight.

I remember the way the humid, warm air felt on my skin. Dirty, disgusting, I remember how his hand slid down my under wear, I remember him leaving them at my ankles as he stuck a finger in his mouth coating it in his saliva and then inserted it in me. A stretching feeling ran through me and I went to yell, but my vocal chords felt paralyzed. I remember the way his finger hooked inside me and how he whispered in my ear reassuring everything was alright, but it wasn't. I remember the pain of how he felt inside me with his hand and how he ran his other hand over my innocent body.

I remember his sinful touch on my innocent body. My pure, innocent body.

He agreed to protect me, but all he did was hurt me. He used his hands for his pleasure. I was a child! He took advantage of me! 

Why? What had I done in four years of life to deserve such pain?

That was just the beginning of years to come.

Tears spilled over the paper as she re-read this part, she repeated to herself "I'm sorry."