New To Me (Phan)

Chapter 13

There was one period left of school, and the day had passed without any drama. We hadn't run into Charlie, which I was incredibly grateful for. I was enjoying the long awaited return to normalcy. However it didn't last long.

Chris, PJ, Phil, and I were milling about by the lockers, chatting mindlessly to pass the time between classes. I was about to make a remark when out of nowhere Charlie walked passed us, ramming his shoulder into my side as he did so.

I was sent staggering into Phil, who instinctively grabbed my arm to stop me from falling and helped me regain my balance. Charlie continued walking as if nothing had happened, not even glancing in my direction. I was annoyed to say the least, but I didn't react. I wasn't going to let him have the satisfaction.

Chris, however, did react. "Dude, what the hell?" he called after Charlie, who paused briefly but didn't turn back around. The hallway fell silent as everyone turned around to see what all the commotion was. "Mate, I'm talking to you!" he shouted again, lunging forward to grab Charlie by the shoulder and forcefully swing him around.

"Hey, hey, hey. Let's not do this." PJ said, hastily pulling Chris back after glimpsing the murderous expression on Charlie's face. "Let's keep it civil."

Charlie rolled his eyes. "Relax. I have no problem with you guys." Charlie sneered. "Just him." he said, glaring and nodding his head at me. And I glared right back.

"Oh, this is ridiculous." Chris said, disgusted. "It was one fight, for fuck's sake. Don't get so hung up on it."

"I don't care about that. It's his general existence that bothers me." Was he fucking kidding me? Aside from the fight (which he won, might I add, so he really had no valid reason to be bitter about it), what the hell did I do to piss him off so much? Why did his subtle distaste for me suddenly morph into full blown hatred?

"What the fuck is your problem?" I snarled at Charlie, finally speaking up and allowing some of my anger to vent. I was honestly just fed up with the whole thing.

Charlie shook his head, an ominous smirk on his face. Like he knew something I didn't. "Maybe we should just leave it. You don't want me saying what I want to say to you right now in public."

I stared at him uncomprehendingly. "I literally have no idea what you're talking about." Which was the truth.

At this point PJ, ever the peace maker, decided to intervene once again. "Don't say any private stuff in public, man." He said, holding a placating hand out to keep Charlie at bay. "Wrap it up or take it somewhere else."

I was beginning to feel like I was missing something. "No. Say it. I want to know what you're talking about." I had nothing to hide. He had no dirt on me.

Charlie's eyes flicked maliciously from me over to Phil, who stood frozen, anxiously observing the exchange before him. "Why don't you ask Phil. You guys seem particularly... close, these days."

I froze. "I don't know what you mean." Of course this time I was lying. I knew exactly what he meant. I had finally clued in to what he was talking about. I briefed a glance over to Phil who had paled significantly. He didn't meet my eyes and instead was looking at Charlie.

"Charlie," he began, his tone an odd mix of pleading and warning.

Charlie ignored him, a triumphant smirk spreading across his face. He placed a condescending hand on my shoulder which I was too stunned to shake off. "I get it. I really do. Coming to terms with your sexuality can be a scary thing." He said in mock concern before laughing and walking off, only briefly stopping to turn around and blow a kiss in mine and Phil's direction.

I stood there in silence not knowing what to say or what to do. My brain completely shut off. I glanced around and saw everyone in the hall was staring at me.

"What the fuck," Chris began, "was that all about?" He was looking between me and Phil with confusion. PJ looked to be in a state of shock under laced with sympathy. And Phil... Phil just looked like he wanted to throw up.

Without saying a word I took off running. I didn't know what else to do. I just knew that I didn't want to be there, with the suffocating silence and the piercing stares. So I just ran. And I kept running until I reached the front doors of the school. It was only when I made it outside that I allowed myself to truly freak out.

And by freak out I mean actually freak out. Like, full on panic attack. My chest felt constricted, squeezed by some unseen force to the point where I couldn't breathe. I was uncontrollably shaking from head to toe and I didn't think the cold had anything to do with it.

Objectively, it wasn't that big a deal. Subjectively, it was the end of the world. I wasn't gay. And I didn't want people thinking I was gay. Although I knew, I knew, that everyone that was important in my life honestly wouldn't care if I was, the thought of it still terrified me. Terrified me. Why? I don't know. I have absolutely no clue.

I looked up to see Phil standing a few metres away from me, having followed me out. He was waiting cautiously, as if I were some sort of wild animal that he didn't want to spook.

"What did you say to him?" I spat at Phil, with more venom than was necessary. Perhaps I was a wild animal. And I was ready to attack.

Phil flinched at the ferocity of my words. "Nothing, I didn't say anything I swear."

"Nothing? How the hell did he know about the kiss, Phil? How?" I shouted at him, almost choking on the rising hysteria.

"I don't know! Maybe he saw, or he heard it from someone else who saw. But I swear, I didn't tell anyone!" Phil said, begging me to believe him.

And I did. I wanted to unload all of my pent up rage and embarrassment and frustration onto him but I couldn't. Just one look at those eyes and my emotions immediately subsided, leaving me to feel empty and hollow instead. Which was just as painful, if not more.

I groaned and collapsed to the snow covered ground, leaning against the wall for support. I ran my hands over my face and pressed my palms into my closed eyes as if by doing so I could erase the memory of the last few minutes from my brain. "I know." I said quietly.

"This is all my fault, Dan. I'm so sorry." Phil placed a comforting hand on my shoulder but I flinched away at his touch.

He dropped his outstretched hand to his side and stood there with a mixture of sadness and hurt on his face. "I messed everything up, didn't I?" he asked softly. His tone indicated that he wasn't waiting for an answer. He already believed it to be true.

I didn't say anything.