New To Me (Phan)

Chapter 20

Being in love was a peculiar experience. I was astounded by how utterly consuming the whole affair was. How much it took over your life.

Once I had admitted it to myself it was literally all I could think about. I'd opened the floodgates and there was no stopping the tidal wave that came cascading through.

I was crushing hard. Embarrassingly so. The attraction had been growing without my acknowledgement for months and only now did I realise just how deep that attraction ran.

Every second of everyday, waking or sleeping, my mind was on Phil. Which was extremely problematic for a number of reasons. For example, how the fuck was I supposed to get anything done? I wasn't the most productive person to begin with but this was getting ridiculous. Even the most menial of tasks become exhaustingly difficult when you're brain is constantly elsewhere.

I could not for the life of me stop staring at Phil. I know that I did that a fair amount before but it had now reached a whole new level of creepy. I couldn't help it. My eyes were simply drawn to him. Almost like some magnetic force was acting on them, with Phil at the centre of the field.

And I couldn't look at him the same way either. Every time I saw him I remembered that night. And with surprising clarity given my blood alcohol levels. Or perhaps my brain had simply filled in the fine details over time. I had replayed it often enough. It was definitely a possibility.

Whenever my mind was left to wander it conjured up all these scenarios in which I'd get to kiss him again. Shockingly vivid and wildly inappropriate scenarios that made me incredibly grateful that Phil did not possess the power of telepathy.

I had spoken to Cat the day after waking up at Phil's. Because the guilt was ripping me a part I told her what had happened. Not the saying Phil's name part (which I was never going to speak of to anyone ever) but the fact that I'd kissed someone else. Someone who I realised I had feelings for. She wasn't entirely thrilled about it but she didn't hate me. As she pointed out, we never actually discussed if we were exclusive. And now we'd never have to.

One of the perks of finally accepting my feelings toward Phil was the return of the fantastic foursome. Just like that the heavy cloud of tension that I usually carried with me, forever dampening the mood, completely dissipated and everything went back to normal.

Well, almost back to normal. If you ignored the fact that I now blushed whenever Phil spoke to me. And my heart somersaulted when he looked at me. And my breath hitched when he touched me. Let's face it. I was complete Phil trash by this point.

Now that I had crossed that bridge I couldn't understand why the idea of having non platonic feelings for a guy had terrified me so much. Why had I made it into such a big deal? So what if I wasn't straight? Thinking about I didn't understand how anyone could be completely straight. Is it not the person that attracts you more so than the gender?

Coming from one who so forcefully tried to deny it, attempting to repress those kinds of emotions doesn't work. If you feel something for someone else, pure and genuine attraction toward another, there's really nothing you can do about it. It's a losing battle. Feelings like that were powerful. And it was almost pointless to try and fight them.

To simply accept them, no matter how terrifying a prospect, is perhaps the most liberating experience in existence.

And perhaps the most frustrating too, as I was now stuck with the problem of how to act on them. I'd thought that Phil might have felt the same. After all he kissed me first. And then he kissed me back. And he'd said that he didn't look at me the way he looks at a friend. What other way was there to interpret that? The evidence was there and the thought made me giddy with excitement.

But the paranoia returned and made me question it. What if I'd missed my window of opportunity and he'd moved on? What if it none of it meant anything and it was just the heat of the moment? The doubts persistently plagued my mind. I needed to vent to someone. I needed to release some of the pressure that was building up inside of me or I'd explode.

I could have gone straight to PJ's house but decided to just call him instead. I anticipated a lot of potential awkwardness and lacked the bravery to deal with that in person.

As soon as he picked up, before he even had the chance to say hello, I spoke. "You were right." I blurted out.

There was a pause on the other end of the line. "I often am. But what in particular is this in reference to?" PJ asked. He sounded amused. I was willing to bet anything that he already knew what I talking about. He just wanted me to say it out loud.

"I like Phil." I confessed. "Fuck, I like Phil a lot."

I could just sense the pompous smirk on PJ's face. Could practically hear the satisfaction dripping in his voice. "I like Phil too. He's a pretty neat guy. What's your point?"

"You know what I mean, Peej." I sighed, exasperated.

"No, I don't."

"Don't make me say it."

"Say what, Dan?"

I gritted my teeth in annoyance. "Ilovephil." I mumbled, the words blending together.

"Sorry? Didn't quite catch that. You mind saying it again? A little louder this time?" He was having far too much fun with this.

I definitely wouldn't have been able to have this conversation face to face. I would have already strangled him by this point. "I. Love. Phil." I said clearly. "And I fucking hate you."

"Okay, firstly... rude. Secondly, it's about damn time, Howell! Have you told him? Are you two together? Have you set a date for the wedding? Have you discussed baby names?"

I blushed furiously but couldn't help the smile that crept onto my face. "No to all of the above."

"Well then what are you waiting for?" he asked. What was I waiting for? For Phil to make a move? Not necessarily. I was just waiting for a confirmation of some sort. Some reassurance that Phil felt the same way. I didn't think I could handle the rejection if he didn't.

"What if he doesn't like me back?" I asked, voicing my fear. I hated how pathetic I sounded.

Stunned silence followed. "Are you actually kidding me?" PJ asked, disbelief in his tone.

"...No?" I was confused at his response.

"You're an idiot." He said, but he sounded sympathetic. Like I was an idiot that he couldn't help but take pity on. "He likes you, okay? Trust me."

"How do you know? Did he say something to you?" I asked instantly perking up before internally groaning at how pre-teeny I sounded. God, it felt like I was back in primary school.

"Oh, you're so precious." PJ sighed. "No, he didn't say anything... He didn't have to."