New To Me (Phan)

Chapter 15

The mood had definitely shifted within our group, and I was entirely certain that I was to blame. I could have laughed it all off or confided my emotions in them, leaned on them for support even. But no. I became cold and distant and generally unpleasant to be around.

PJ and Chris stopped making jokes about me and Phil being a couple. No more talk of shipping and weddings and how 'cute' we were together. All of that stopped after my confrontation with Charlie. They knew how much Charlie's words got to me. Knew that he'd hit a nerve. Chris did once offhandedly refer to me as 'No Homo Howell' but you could tell he instantly regretted it. PJ had glared daggers at him, Phil had laughed nervously, and I'd stormed off. He never called me that again.

I was miserable, and it sucked. It sucked because I was so unbelievably happy before all of this began. So content with my life. But then the ground had crumbled beneath my very feet and I was plunged into an abyss of negativity.

The real kicker was that I was largely to blame for my emotional state. I could no longer muster any anger towards Charlie. I knew why he hated me now. I was the guy that his boyfriend cheated on him with. I'd be pissed too.

And I couldn't be angry at Phil. He had apologised to me repeatedly. And he was trying so hard to support me as well. Phil Lester, the literal ray of sunshine, snapped at people when they shoved me. Scolded them when they called me names. 

Some people were so shocked at seeing this new side of Phil, felt so guilty at being called out on their behaviour by literally the nicest person in the world, that they profusely apologised to me and never bothered me again. Others mocked me even more for needing my 'boyfriend' to swoop in and save me.

No, more than anything I was angry at myself. My level of self hatred ran so deep that it was frightening. It led me down corridors so dark and so depressing that it actually scared me to be left alone with my own thoughts.

I hadn't had time to work out my feelings toward Phil before my life turned to shit. And after seeing the retributions of being labeled gay, I didn't dare think about it. I wasn't brave enough. I buried those emotions deep within my mind and refused to go near them. Fucking coward.

I was disgusted with how weak I was. With how badly I was handling everything. I hated that I was pushing away my friends. I hated that they felt the need to walk on eggshells around me. I hated that I instantly brought down the mood whenever I walked into the room.

Largely I hated that I could no longer be myself around Phil. I was now consciously aware of everything that I said or did, scared of giving anyone the wrong idea and adding fuel to the fire. I made sure that my body language wasn't at all suggestive or overly friendly. I avoided making eye contact with Phil at all costs. I made sure to keep a safe distance between the two of us, even going so far as to sit next to Chris at lunchtimes and offer up my seat on the couch to PJ at games days.

Everyone was well aware of the changes I had made but they didn't say anything. They just went along with it. Phil, too, even though the level of hurt he felt read plainly across his face. This always sent waves of guilt crashing over me, dragging me back down into the depths of self-hatred.

I paced my room as I played with my phone, turning it over and over again in my hands. Was I really about to do this? Was this wise? Probably not. Definitely not. But I wasn't in the right frame of mind to give a damn anymore.

I pressed call and held my phone up to my ear, listening to the ringing and waiting for her to pick up. "Hello?" Cat said. She sounded sleepy. I glanced at the clock in my room and only then registered that it was 12:23 am. Way to go, asshole.

"Cat, it's Dan. Sorry for waking you." I said.

"Dan! Hey, what's up?" She sounded confused, but not necessarily in a bad way. More of a 'I don't know what you're doing ringing me at midnight but I'm not going to complain' kind of way.

"Do you maybe want to go out with me sometime?" The words tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop them. For a moment they just hung there in the air, taunting me. Daring me to take them back even though they knew that I couldn't.

Cat eventually broke the silence. "Um sure. I – I'd love to." She didn't sound like she'd love to. She sounded more confused than anything.

"I'm a little surprised though, Dan. I kind of got the vibe that you weren't really interested..." She trailed off, unsure of herself. I didn't know if she was refering to the party in particular or if she was hinting at something else. You know, like the fact that the whole school thought I was gay and my apparent disinterest wasn't directed toward her specifically but rather toward her entire gender.

"No!" I almost shouted at her, kind of scaring myself and evidently Cat, who yelped slightly at the urgency of my tone. "No, I was interested. I am interested. Really." I confirmed to her, putting as much sincerity into my voice as I could muster.

Cat paused, obviously trying to decide whether or not I was being genuine. "Okay then." she said, still a hint of suspicion creeping into her voice, "What's say we go catch a movie or something. Tomorrow night?"

"Yes. Sounds good." I said enthusiastically. "Very good."

Cat laughed. "All right, well, it's a date. Now get some sleep, you crazy." She joked, before hanging up on me. I threw my phone, letting it fall safely onto my bed and sighed. What was I doing?

I had no intention of ever calling Cat when she gave me her number. She was nice enough but there was nothing really there between us. But with everything going on I'd somehow fooled myself into thinking that this was a reasonable solution to my problems.

There was absolutely nothing reasonable about this decision.