New To Me (Phan)

Chapter 16

"How'd you like the movie?" I asked Cat as we slowly made our way toward her house. It was a small town that we lived in, so everything was within walking distance. We'd already passed my house but, being a gentleman, I insisted on escorting her home. Which I kind of regretted due to the fact that I was now freezing my tits off.

"It was..." she paused, struggling to find the words.

"Shit?" I supplied, helpfully.

"Oh my God, so shit!" she laughed, relieved that she didn't have to be polite and pretend to like the movie.

"The ending, gee talk about anticlimactic." I said, rolling my eyes.

"And the acting! Worst acting ever!" she added. I nodded in agreement. I liked Cat. The problem was that I didn't like like Cat. And as juvenile as that phrase was, it was incredibly accurate at describing how I was feeling. I liked spending time with her. She was fun to be around and easy to talk to. I could see us actually being friends. Friends. That was it. I didn't want more than that from her. I wanted to want more, believe me, but I just... didn't.

We continued back and forth for a while, criticising every last aspect of the film. Before no time at all we were standing outside her front door.

"I had a really great time tonight." She said, looking up at me, grinning. I raised my eyebrows in response. "Aside from the actual film. That part sucked." she clarified, with a breathy laugh. I agreed. Despite the truly awful movie the date itself wasn't half bad.

I didn't know what to do next. I knew what I should do. I should tell her that I had fun too and suggest we do it again sometime. I should lean in to kiss her and then tell her that I'd ring her tomorrow. It was what you should do at the end of a good date. But it wasn't necessarily what I wanted to do.

I didn't have much time to ponder my next move as Cat decided to take matters into her own hands. She reached up on her tip toes and leaned in to press her lips against mine. Her gloved hand came up to rest gently on the side of my cheek as she did so. Her lips were cold and mine were chapped, both effects of the chilly night air, so it wasn't that pleasant to start off.

But I responded anyway. I wrapped my arms around her waist, pulling her in closer and delving deeper into the kiss. It was actually quite nice.

But it's not amazing. A small voice said in the back of my head.

It never is the first time.

It was with Phil.

I silenced the voice immediately. These kind of thoughts were like wildfire: damaging and destructive. If not extinguished quickly they continued to feed and grow on their own, eventually overpowering every other thought and becoming increasingly difficult to contain. I tried to focus on Cat instead.

After a few moments she pulled back and smiled. I tried to smile back but it felt forced. Fake. "I'll uh, call you tomorrow?" I said, just out of politeness, but now that the promise was voiced there was no turning back.

"You'd better." she said, giving me one last peck on the cheek before heading inside and closing the door.

I felt like shit. Cat was exactly the kind of girl that, in theory, I should have been attracted to. And the fact that I wasn't, that I didn't feel anything romantic toward her whatsoever, was not a good sign at all.

As I neared my house the last thing I was expecting on a night as blistery as this was to see someone standing outside of it.

"Phil?" I said in surprise, just before he had the chance to knock on my door.

He jumped at the sound of my voice. "Jesus, Dan! You scared the living daylights out of me!"

"What are you doing here?" I asked, walking up the steps to meet him.

He shrugged bashfully. "I came to talk to you."

"Why didn't you just call? It's fucking freezing out here."

Phil smiled. "I had noticed that, thank you." he chuckled. "No, I had something in particular that I wanted to... wait, what are you doing outside?"

I paused. I didn't really want to tell Phil where I'd been. But my imagination failed me and I was unable to conjure up a reasonable lie. "I was on a date." I said reluctantly.

Phil seemed to be at a loss of what to say. After a brief period of awkward silence he cleared his throat and asked, "with who?"

"...Cat." I didn't elaborate. One, because I assumed Phil already knew who she was. Because Phil knew who everybody was. And two, I realised I didn't actually know Cat's last name.

"Oh." Phil looked down at his shoes. "How was it?"

"It was... good." What else was I to say? It wasn't bad, but it wasn't great either. It was... fine. And a little bit disappointing.

I didn't know how I was expecting Phil to react. I didn't know how I wanted him to react. But it wasn't like this. "Well I'm glad that you're happy. I hope it works out." he said quietly, offering me a small smile.

Fucking Phil and his fucking supportive attitude. I felt an immense wave of guilt wash over me. I was anything but supportive about his relationship with Charlie. Way to make me feel like an even bigger douche bag than before. And why was he being so nice to me in the first place? I'd been nothing but rude to him the last few weeks. Why wasn't he telling me to suck it up, stop moping about, and deal with my problems like a normal person?

But perhaps that was why he came to talk to me. Perhaps he came to confront me about my behaviour. The thought filled me with dread.

I realised we were both still standing outside my door, slowly freezing to death. "Did - did you want to come in?" I asked. I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to let him in. Out of fear that he was actually here to lecture me. I didn't think I'd be able to handle that.

"No, it's okay." he said quietly, already beginning to make his way back down the steps.

My anxiety left me immediately and I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. "Didn't you want to talk to me about something?"

Phil shook his head slightly, not meeting my eyes. "No, it's fine. It's not that important."

"But... you came all this way -"

"It doesn't matter." Phil said, cutting me off. Not in an aggressive way. More in a tired way. And now that I was allowing myself to look at him properly for the first time in weeks, I noticed that he did look quite tired. There were noticeable bags under his eyes that weren't there before. And his eyes themselves didn't seem to sparkle like they normally did. He looked drained.

"Goodnight, Dan. I'll see you tomorrow." I wanted to stop him. To reach out, grab his arm, and not let him leave until he told me what was on his mind. But he left too quickly. He wrapped his coat around him more closely and with his head down and shoulders hunched, he hurried off into the night.