New To Me (Phan)

Chapter 21

I had this half written monologue in my brain of what I was going to say to Phil that I kept reciting over and over again, editing and adjusting it. But I just couldn't get it to sound right. And I needed it to sound right. Phil's reaction to my words would mean the difference between complete ecstasy or crushing devastation.

I groaned at how pathetic I was. At what I had been reduced to. I was in deep. I wish I hadn't lied and just told him that I did remember kissing him. It was the perfect opportunity. He would have asked why I did it and I would have said 'I don't know, I guess I like you' and he would have said 'oh, cool. I like you too' and then maybe we would have made out a little and uh, it all would have been so easy.

But now I'd built it up too much, given my fears and anxieties room to grow, and it was just becoming more and more difficult to figure out what to say and to find an appropriate time to say it.

I sighed frustratingly, currently sat on his couch watching a movie. Or to be more accurate, Phil, Chris and PJ were watching a movie while I not so subtly watched Phil. We were sat close together, closer than was necessary given the excess amount of space on the couch and it made my heart flutter frantically and my hands sweat nervously.

I tried to read Phil's expression. To see if he was experiencing any of the same symptoms that I was. But he looked calm. Neutral. Unfazed by the fact that there was less than a ruler's length between the two of us. And then there was me, casually having a heart attack.

Phil, surely sensing my stare, looked over at me. He smiled dazzlingly and I melted inside.

Kiss him. The small voice in the back of my head said.

No, I'm not going to do that.

Why not?

Chris and PJ are here.

So? They won't mind. Kiss him!

I tuned out the voice but god, I wanted so badly to just do it. I craved the feel of Phil's lips so strongly that my body literally ached for it. The urge tugged and twisted at my stomach, tying it into knots. Was this normal? This response seemed far too extreme in my eyes. But I'd never been in love before, so what did I know.

I realised that I had been staring at Phil's mouth and quickly flicked my eyes up to his and returned his smile before trying to look engrossed in the movie. I could feel his eyes still looking at me and blushed under the scrutiny of his gaze.

Not long after the movie ended Phil headed to the kitchen to go grab snacks. He'd only just left the room when Chris suddenly decided to throw the TV remote at my head. Hard.

"Ow! What the hell?" I growled at him, rubbing my head where it had hit me. That was most definitely going to leave a bump.

"Tell him you love him, you fucking spork."

I quickly spun around to check that Phil was definitely out of ear shot. "I - what?" I said flustered. Chris continued to glare at me murderously while PJ just snickered quietly to himself.

"You love him. He loves you. Just be together already. Jesus Christ, it's not fucking rocket science." Chris said, clearly exasperated.

"How... PJ!" I said indignantly.

"Hey don't look at me. I didn't say anything." PJ held his hands up in innocence but he was grinning from ear to ear.

Chris rolled his eyes. "Oh, come on. You seriously think you're being subtle about this? Did you think I wouldn't notice the little heart eyes going on just then?" Chris said. "Please, give me a little credit."

I sighed. There was no point trying to hide it. I knew I was being obvious. Obvious to everyone except Phil it would seem.

"Now grow some balls and tell him, douche noodle. Before I lock you both in a cupboard."

I wasn't sure if he was being genuine but honestly? A part of my brain didn't think it was that bad an idea and actually considered it for a second. I hastily cleared my head before my mind started to wander, returning to the conversation at hand. "But what... how do I just... bring that up? What do I say?" I asked awkwardly.

Chris cleared his throat and raised an arm dramatically. "Roses are red, violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck."

If I had a drink in my mouth it would have been one of those comic occurrences where I sprayed it everywhere. But drinkless, I sputtered and began choking on thin air instead. I really shouldn't have expected anything less coming from Chris.

"Wow. That's was beautiful." PJ said, wiping away a non existent tear and completely ignoring the fact that I was coughing my lungs up. "Is that Shakespeare?" he asked.

"Nah, Tennyson." Chris said, waving his hand airily. "Or you know what?" Chris continued, suddenly hit with inspiration. "Don't say anything at all. Just kiss him. Launch yourself at him. Hump his fucking brains out. I'm sure that'd get the message across."

I had only just recovered and was about to reply when Phil walked back into the room. My cheeks burned uncontrollably and I silently cursed Chris and PJ who were trying, and failing, to conceal their laughter at my reaction.

"What did I miss?" Phil asked, brows furrowed in confusion. PJ and Chris properly burst out laughing, gasping for air and clearly unable to answer. So Phil turned to me instead. "What are we talking about?" he pouted.

I panicked and said the first thing that popped into my head. "Poetry."

To which PJ and Chris actually lost it. "Poetry." Phil repeated slowly with an air of skepticism. "You're discussing... poetry."

PJ, now wiping away real tears, simply nodded. "Yes, it turns out Chris is quite the master."

Chris shrugged modestly. "I would recite some of my work," he began, while I glared at him and furiously shook my head, "but I'm afraid I should really get going."

Phil seemed to deflate at his words. "Really? But it's still early!"

"Sorry, man. PJ and I have an assignment we have to get done." he said straight off the bat, not even missing a beat. I knew he was lying. For one thing, Chris rarely did school work, let alone outside of school hours. Secondly, him and PJ didn't even have any classes together. Thirdly, the look he gave me was clear as crystal: Now's your chance. Don't screw it up.

"We do?" PJ asked puzzled, a little late on the uptake. But with a pointed look from Chris he eventually got the hint. "Yes! We do! Let's go do, Chris!" PJ said enthusiastically, leaping to his feet and looping his arm with Chris's before waltzing out of the room.

"Well... bye I guess." Phil muttered, frowning at their abrupt departure.

Leaving the two of us alone.