New To Me (Phan)

Chapter 22

"Dan. Are you even listening to me?" Phil laughed. He snapped his fingers in front of my face, trying to get my attention. Technically, he already did have my attention. He was pretty much the only thing on my mind. I'd say that qualifies as very attentive.

But I was more so focused on trying to finish my monologue to him than on what he was actually saying. "I'm sorry. What?" I asked.

He tsked disapprovingly, shaking his head and causing his fringe to fall into his eyes. "You know sometimes I wonder if..." he trailed off. I had instinctively reached over to brush the strands of hair out of his face. I didn't think. I just did. My eyes widened marginally when I realised what I was doing. But he didn't pull back, so I took that as a good sign.

I allowed my fingers to linger perhaps a little longer than was necessary. But then his hand came up to encircle my wrist, preventing me from fixing his hair any further. His eyes had closed and his breathing was suddenly laboured. "Stop. Please... just stop."

I felt like I'd been slapped. My stomach dropped. He didn't want this. My fears were confirmed. Fuck, I was going to kill Chris and PJ. I tried to swallow back the horrible lump that formed in my throat. "Why?" I managed to choke out.

Phil still wouldn't open his eyes. He shook his head slightly. "I can't keep doing this, Dan. I can't." he breathed.

His words threw me. "Doing what?" I blinked at him, completely clueless.

"This!" Phil almost shouted, his eyes flying open. He dropped my arm as if it had burned him and jumped to his feet. "Damn it, Dan! You can't just... you keep giving me these mixed signals and I just – I can't fucking take it anymore!"

I flinched at the harshness to his words. Fear rooted me to the spot. He never swore. Never lost control like that. His piercing blue eyes were unblinking and unwilling to break contact with mine. "Do you have feelings for me or not?" he demanded bluntly.

My brain was screaming at me. YES! JUST SAY YES! JESUS CHRIST, IT'S JUST ONE SYLLABLE! But my mouth completely dried up and I felt as if I physically couldn't form the words. I was still reeling in shock.

Phil ran his hands over his face in frustration and took a deep breath to compose himself. "Please. I – I need an answer." He begged, his eyes pleading. In that moment he looked so broken, so defeated. And it hurt. It hurt so bad to see him like that that I wanted to cry. I wanted to hug him and comfort him. I was prepared to say or do literally anything to make him okay.

But I was frozen. I remembered promising myself, when Phil first told me he was gay and I was late to react, that I would never do anything to upset him ever again. And I broke that promise. I took it, smashed it to a million pieces, and burned the remains.

Before me stood a Phil so clearly full of pain and anguish, more torment than any human ever deserved to be in. And I'm the one that caused that.

"I'm forever putting others first," Phil continued softly. "You especially. All I've ever wanted was to make others happy. That's it. But just this once, I - I have to think about myself, I'm sorry."

I wanted to tell him to stop apologising for things that he had no reason to be apologising for. To stop blaming himself when he'd done nothing wrong. And I opened my mouth to say all of this, to tell him everything. To let it all come spilling out. But he spoke before I had the chance.

"I need you to tell me that this isn't going to happen. I need you to close that door once and for all so that I can finally move on. If you don't, if you leave me with even the slightest possibility that you could actually feel the same way about me as I do about you, then I'm always going to hold out hope. And it's going to kill me." he said feebly.

"Phil..." I whispered. There was too much to say, I didn't know where to begin. So instead, my heart pounding painfully in my chest, I stood up, walked over to Phil, lightly placed my hands on either side of his face and pressed my lips to his.

It was the first time that I had initiated the kiss and been fully sober as I was doing it. And it was literally the scariest thing I'd ever done. My hands were sweating, my body was shaking, my heart was palpitating. I was terrified.

But my fears quickly subsided by his immediate response. There was no hesitation on his part whatsoever. He pulled me in closer to him, his hands earnestly gripping my waist. And fuck, if it wasn't the best feeling in the entire universe.

My mind was wiped blank and my surroundings faded into nothingness, until all that remained was me and Phil. And with the absence of distractions came a heightened sense of what was happening in the moment.

I could feel it all. I could feel Phil's heart hammering just as quickly and fiercely as my own. I could feel the warmth of his hands on the small of my back, even through the layers of clothing. Every touch, every breath, every sensation was amplified. Even the smallest of actions had the power to overstimulate my nerves.

Every point of contact sent sparks of electricity coursing through me, surging through my veins and making my limbs turn to jelly. I wondered if this was always going to my reaction every time we made any form of contact. I wouldn't complain if it was.

My entire body thrummed in excitement. Or pleasure. Or desire. I didn't even know anymore. And I didn't care. All I knew with certainty was that I never wanted it to end. If reason and plausibility allowed it, I would never pull away. I'd happily lose myself in that feeling forever.

My hands instinctively tangled themselves in his hair and I moaned at the relief of finally being able to do that again. Being able to do all of it. 

There was absolutely no doubt in my mind that this was what I wanted. That Phil was what I wanted, more than anything else in existence. I could have kicked myself for not having reached that conclusion sooner. For not being brave enough to acknowledge it. All that pain I caused, all that confusion that I dealt with, all that time wasted when we could have been doing this.

"Don't mind me. Just forgot my..." I hastily snapped my head around at the sound of Chris' voice. He was stood in the doorframe, frozen mid speech. He looked the two of us up and down as he processed the scene before him. Phil's arms were still wrapped tightly around me and my hands remained lost in his hair.

A smile grew on his face, gradually transforming into the biggest grin of his that I'd ever seen. He didn't say anything. Didn't retrieve the mystery item he had returned for. He just slowly walked backwards out of the room. Once out of sight I heard him sprint back up the stairs and shout, "PEEJ! THEY'RE DOING THE DO!" to which he received a delighted whoop in response.

I should have been embarrassed. And perhaps the old me would have been. But I honestly didn't give a shit anymore. I rested my forehead against Phil's and laughed. We were both breathing heavily and I grinned goofily from ear to ear. "Fuck, I've been wanting to do that for so long now." I sighed.

Phil gave a little hum in agreement. His eyes were closed and a small smile tugged at the corner of his lips. He looked so content, so at peace. It was adorable. "Just one question, though..." he murmured.

"Yeah?"

"...You're not drunk, right?"

I chuckled and shoved him playfully. "Fuck off."

"Language." He scolded me, smirking.

"You're one to talk. You literally just swore not five minutes ago."

"I did no such thing." He said in mock in appal.

"Oh really? Because-" but I didn't get to finish my sentence. I was abruptly cut off when Phil leaned in to kiss me again. And I didn't mind one bit.