New To Me (Phan)

Chapter 17

Cat and I were officially dating. On the one hand, it kind of had the effect that I'd hope it would. Once word got out that we were together the teasing died down considerably. But I was also hoping that I'd be able to prove to myself that I was straight. And that part wasn't going as planned. The results were inconclusive on that one.

I still hadn't entirely mended the fence with my friends either. I didn't know how. How to make it all go back to normal. I was starting to worry that the damage was permanent. Irreparable.

I couldn't think straight. Everything was such a mess and I didn't know how to cope with it all. I needed someone to tell me what to do and what to say. I needed them to reach inside my mind and make it all clear, and organised, and straightforward.

Phil never did tell me why he came to my house that night. And because we weren't on the best of terms I never asked him either. But the question ate away at me. It must have been important if he didn't want to tell me over the phone. But then again, it mustn't have been important, because he never ended up telling me anyway. I was so confused.

Going to a party was certainly not going to set my head straight. But that's where I was. The house was uncomfortably crowded and the music unbearably loud. How people found this kind of atmosphere enjoyable was beyond me. However, the answer was immediately made clear when Cat returned from wherever she disappeared to and pressed a drink into my hand. Ah, alcohol. Of course. That's what made people enjoy it.

The prospect of dulling the tiresome thoughts that constantly bugged me was far too appealing to pass up, so I drank it without question. But despite how desperately I wanted to escape I had no plans of getting completely drunk that night. That was not a vice that I wanted to become dependent on, no matter how fucked up everything was.

Cat evidently didn't share the same philosophy and within the next half hour she was already tipsy. "Dance with me!" she yelled, trying to make herself heard over the music. I shook my head but she tugged at my hand anyway and led me deeper into the room.

It was chaotic and sweaty and a massive invasion of personal space. I wasn't exactly dancing. More so standing there and allowing Cat to run her hands over me and grind up against me. Only minutes in her lips found her way to my neck and I shivered. Not in a bad way. In a way that sent tingles down my spine and goosebumps over my skin.

Fuck it. I laced my hands through her hair and directed her mouth to my own. The kiss didn't start out slow and gentle at all, but rather it was wild and full of hunger from the very start. I urgently wanted to feel something for Cat. Anything. So when she suggested we take it upstairs my hesitation only lasted for a split second.

Cat led me into an empty room, pulling me along behind her. I shut the door after me, locking it as I did so, and had barely turned back around when Cat launched herself at me, pinning me up against it. The force of it winded me but I didn't care. I was beyond caring at this point.

She grabbed the hem of my shirt and violently ripped it up over my head before her lips crashed into mine again. Her hands trailed down my torso making me shiver while my own hands slid down to her thighs. I gripped her legs tightly and hoisted her up so that she straddled my waist as I carried her over to the bed.

Unceremoniously I threw her down onto her back before climbing on top of her, leaning down to meet her lips once again. It was urgent and wild and sloppy. The very concept of restraint flew out the window entirely. We were both completely out of breath and panting for air but it didn't slow us down one bit. There was a complete overpowering of thought and rationality until it was all just an animalistic blur of hands and skin and mouths and moans.

My mind went completely blank as I let instinct take the reigns. She moaned loudly as I moved away from her mouth to kiss her neck.

"Phil." I murmured.

It was barely a whisper and was muffled by her hair so I doubt she heard me. But I knew what I had said.

I froze, my entire body tensing. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. "Why'd you stop?" she asked breathlessly. I shot up off of the bed, my breathing ragged and intense. I anxiously ran my hand through my hair internally freaking out. Why did I say that?

"Dan?" Cat asked, propping herself up on her elbows. She looked confused. "Are you okay?"

"I – I have to go. I'm so sorry. I – sorry." I mumbled hastily, throwing my shirt back on, scooping up my belongings and fumbling with the look on the door.

With one last apology I bolted through it. On my way back through the living room I spotted the table lined with drinks and never before had alcohol looked so inviting as it did in that exact moment. To hell with it. I grabbed a cup and downed it in one go. Then another. And another. But it wasn't working. The effect wasn't immediate enough. I needed to stop feeling now.

Frustrated, I tore my way through the crowd, out through the door and into the night. And I ran. The cold night air ripped at my lungs and shredded my insides but I relished in the pain.

I didn't make it far before my legs were too wobbly to walk on and I collapsed against a wall. Fuck. It was an understatement to say that I was rattled. I was shaken down to my core.

My stomach was knotted making me queasy. I tried to steady my breathing but it wasn't working. Nothing was working. My legs had given up, my brain was malfunctioning. I was broken.

I kept replaying it over and over again. Phil. Phil. Phil.

I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my shaking arms around me as tightly as possible. And I cried. I cried great, heaving sobs that wracked my entire frame.

I couldn't exactly pinpoint why I was crying. I was just overwhelmed with everything. I was shocked and terrified and confused and embarrassed. And a whole other jumble of emotions that were too tangled for me to sort through.

It was never this complicated. I never used to feel like this. Most of my life I'd only felt what I now realised were muted versions of emotions. Toned down, desaturated versions of the real things. But when Phil entered my life all of a sudden they came at me with full force, in all their intensity and rawness.

At first they were good feelings. I experienced happiness and joy to a degree that I'd never felt before. But every other emotion soon came to follow. I had felt anger so intense it burned like fire in my veins. I had felt sadness so crippling it hollowed my bones. I had felt jealousy so consuming that it twisted my stomach to no end. To feel to such an extreme was completely new to me.

I didn't remember getting back to my feet. And I didn't know how I managed it, or why my feet took me there of all places, but I soon found myself in front of Phil's house. And before I could stop myself I knocked on the door.