Fire Meet Gasoline

Chapter Eight

I take a deep breath as I glance at my reflection in the mirror. My dark hair, which is straightened, frames my face and casts a shadow on my cheek bones, it matches the rest of my outfit, which is black and sombre, it matches the mood.

I notice how much my appearance has changed over the past couple of weeks. My face has slimmed due to not being able to eat, I just haven't had an appetite. I feel so weak, pathetic, and needy. But I know I have to be strong, this day isn't about me, it's about my beautiful daughter who is being laid to rest.

I stand at the lectern, looking down at everyone in attendance. I see everyone from Amelia's school, the students, their parents and the teachers, I admire everyone from fifty one in their ceremonial uniforms. I recognise the intelligence unit and many patrol officers I've met on calls. I also notice the doctors and nurses from Chicago med.

I take a deep breath and begin.

"I would like to thank you all for being here today to pay tribute to my daughter, Amelia Joy Henstridge. Amelia would have adored this, all these people gathered just for her.

At first, I didn't know if I would be able to stand up here today and speak, but I'm honoured that I get to tell you about my little girl.

I can not put it into words the emotions I have felt or the amount of grief I have experienced. I have felt pain, anger, sadness, and happiness, much to my surprise. Because every time I hear Amelia's name, I never fail to imagine the beautiful daughter I know I had, and all the memories of her, they are in here." I say tapping my head.

"When a child dies, we do not only a mourn the life that was, but also the life that might have been."

"I can remember the day she was born like it was yesterday. She was angel and a gift from heaven. I was excited, but worried. I doubted myself throughout the day, questioning whether I was ready to be a mother and I didn't know what was to come. However, the moment I held her in my arms, I knew I would do anything for her."

"I was very protective of Amelia. I wanted to make her childhood as enjoyable and happy as possible. I knew at times I spoilt her, but I loved seeing her smile, as long as Ams was happy, so was I.
Having a daughter also taught me a lot about myself. She showed me how the things that cause me stress are inconsequential. I was blessed to have such a wonderful child in my life.

There is no easy way for me to say goodbye. I can't dwell on the sadness or keep asking the question 'why?'
I will never find a reason why such a heart warming, cheerful child was taken away from my life at the age of four.
Instead, I must focus on how happy she made me when she was in my life. I will miss Amelia forever.

Amelia, if you are listening right now, your humour, your upfront ways, beautiful smile, are what I will remember the most about you. I will never forget you and how much better my life became the day you were born. Your memory will live on forever in my heart."

I step down from the lectern, and I walk over to where the coffin is laid. I hold back my tears as I press my hand to my mouth, kissing my fingers and then placing them gently on the silver plaque that has Amelia's name engraved in it.

"Sleep tight my angel, I love you." I say and walk back over to the pew at the front of the church.

I hear the music come on, and feel everybody around me stand. I watch as the coffin bearers, Chief, Matt, Kelly and Herrmann, lift the coffin, and make their way slowly, down the aisle.

I get up, and feel everyone's eyes on me. I take a deep breath to try and compose myself.  I slowly walk behind them, but I can't hold back the flow of tears any longer.

Once everybody is gathered around outside and Chaplin Orlovsky gives one last reading, I watch the coffin being lowered into the ground. My body starts to tremble and I cover my mouth with my hand. I feel a strong arm wrap around my waist. I look up to see Kelly. He pulls me close to him as I continue to sob into his chest, the never ending amount of hurt I've felt since the day Amelia was taken from me, it doesn't seem to end.