Fire Meet Gasoline

Chapter Ten.

Glancing at my reflection in the mirror, my uniform seemed so foreign.
It had been weeks since I'd last worn this uniform, and it felt good to be back in it.
A small smile grew on my lips upon glancing at my reflection, my hair was clean and neatly tied back. I looked like I knew exactly what I was doing, not someone who had their child snatched away from them, and was taking it day by day.

I'd parked my car a little further down the street than usual, and for a short second I contemplated driving all the way back home, but I knew I couldn't do that, and I had to be strong. Who was I kidding? Stepping out the car wasn't the hard part, walking back into the firehouse was.

I took a deep breath before I slung my bag over my shoulder and made my way up the driveway, into the garage and through the double doors, and down the corridor towards the locker room. I exhaled slowly as I made it to the locker room, and I reached out to open my locker, my hand twitching as I went to enter the code; Amelia. Slowly, I entered the code, before I heard a voice behind me.

"Long time no see. What's it been Len? A week? Or four?"

I sighed, closing my eyes and pressed my head against the locker
"Don't. Kelly.. Not today.." I said, turning to face him.

"I was worried, we all were. You cut us off. We wanted to be there for you Len, we knew we needed to support you, yet you pushed us away."

"Are you done?" I asked, looking at him as he stood before me with his arms crossed.

I watched as Kelly's expression changed. It went from shock to confusion before setting a stone cold look in his eyes.

"I get it. You wanted to help, and for that I'm extremely grateful but we all deal with grief differently, and I couldn't be surrounded by the people I've grown to love watching me struggle  because that would have made me feel ten times worse. Nothing any of you could have said or done would have helped me. So I'm sorry if you felt pushed away or cut out, but for once Kelly, this isn't about you." I snapped.
I closed my eyes in order to prevent tears from falling down my face. 

I reopened them and bit my lip a little.
"I didn't mean to snap but it felt so good getting that off my chest.." I said before pushing past him towards the conference room for roll call.
As I walked in, everyone was shocked to see me. I sat in my normal seat, at the front, and I could feel everyone's eyes on me. 

The chief walked in and nodded at me.
"Welcome back Henstridge." He said and I smiled.
"Thanks Chief, it's good to be back." I replied.

The chief read out the announcements, none of which were relevant to me.

As the chief dismissed everyone, I stood up, clearing my throat.

"I don't need you all looking at me with pity in your eyes. I'm not some helpless dog. So I'd appreciate it if you all just got over it, because that's what I've had to do." I said.

It was harsh, I know, but it had to be done.

Sylvie looked at me before she walked up to me and wrapped her arms around me tightly.

"You have no idea how much I've missed seeing you, partner." She said and I chuckled and hugged her back tightly.

"The feelings mutual Sylv." I said quietly. She let go and then I saw Herrmann.

I felt a wave of disappointment wash over me as my eyes met his. He understood a little more than the rest of them, as his son was a friend of Ameli, and he's welcomed her into his home.

"How's Luke?" I asked.
Heremann shrugged a little.

"Devastated. Heartbroken. Confused." He replied, and I took a deep breath.
"He lost his best friend Len, and I don't know how to help him or what to tell him."

I remained quiet, ashamed that I'd pushed them away. I started to realise what Kelly meant. I was too caught up in my grief that I didn't realise how selfish I'd been to the people who cared about me the most.

"You have to tell him the truth. That God always picks the prettiest flowers in the garden first." I said, my eyes tearing up again.

"I'm sorry, I promised myself that I wouldn't cry today." I said and laughed, whilst wiping my tears away.

"Amelia hated it when I cried, so no more tears, you promise me that Chris?"

He looked at me, nodding, his eyes watered over. I wrapped my arm around him, resting my head on his shoulder.
"I'm getting there, so will you." He said and I smiled.

After my talk with Herrmann, I walked into the common room, my heart pounding. As I opened my mouth the make a comment, the tannoy went off.

"Truck 81. CPD assistance."

I felt relieved and made my way over to the coffee pot as truck cleared out of the common room.

I poured two cups of coffee, and then made my way to Severide's office. I knocked gently before he shouted for someone to enter.

I opened the door and closed it behind me, placing the  coffee down in front of him.

He turned to look at me and I took a seat on his bed.

"I'm sorry." I whispered.

"I shouldn't have cut you guys out. But I've been on my own since I was sixteen, and then Amelia was born and I've never relied on anyone since, because I know they'll always let me down, and then I met you guys. And, I hate relying on people, it would make me feel like a nuisance, and I didn't want to put you guys through it.. so please, stop being mad at me."

Kelly looked at me, and got up from his chair, crouching in front of me.

"I'm not mad at you. I'm annoyed. I wanted to be there for you Len, that's what friends do. I've been worried these past weeks. No one knew where you were or what you were doing. I thought you'd gone off the rails."

I laughed a little,  and shook my head.
"I wish I had, but instead I've been cooped up inside my house. Too afraid to leave it, because I knew as soon as I did, The reality would kick in, as if it wasn't real enough."

"I was only a phone call away Len, you know that."

I nodded my head before I reached forward and wrapped my arms around Kelly, hugging him tightly.
He wrapped his arms around me, and rested his chin on top of my head.

"Rather than talk about Ameli, let's talk about you. What've you been doing for the past four weeks?" I mumbled.

Kelly looked down at me.
"Honestly? I've been worried about you."
I sighed and bit my lip.

"And I'm sorry that I've put you through that." I whispered, feeling safe in Kelly's hold, and part of me wanted to never let go.