OC and Mary Sue reviews and critiques...kinda.

OC Critique #2: Prince Jakroe Shadrack Royale (Original Fiction)

Thanks to  for submitting this OC!

Before I start, here's some important things to know; this is set in the future. The MC is the prince of a kingdom. It is called Refuge Kingdom, his parents go out every summer to find people and bring them in without a ton of paperwork. Just so you know the book title is called "Refuge from Torture" if you want to read it.

Why are his parents bringing people into their kingdom? For that matter, why are the King and Queen of the kingdom venturing out so often for something that could be taken care of by a band of knights or something similar? Future or otherwise, that's a pretty big risk to take for royalty.

Name: Prince Jakroe Shadrack Royale (mainly known as Prince since everyone always wants to call him; Jack, Jax, Jacky. etc.)

So does he dislike the nicknames? Or is more to do with him keeping up appearances as royalty? (Also, I see what you did there with his last name. Nice. I'm always a sucker for punny names.)

Age: 15
Appearance: Messy auburn hair, brown eyes, tall, muscular (he helps his dad build houses)

How tall are we talking, here? Tall means very different things depending on who you ask. Is he 6'? 7'? I know I sound like I'm nitpicking, but it's always helpful to provide details like this so the audience can imagine the character more easily.
Building houses and etc. seem like odd things for royalty to be spending their time doing, though I suppose this could just be them being very hands-on royals.

Family: Both parents are alive, he has a one year old baby sister.

Yesss, we're two for two on having living parents in both OC reviews! This is fine, but what are their names? How does he get along with the three of them? It seems like he gets along well enough with his father, since they build houses together, but what about his mom and sister? Is he jealous now that he isn't an only child, or is he perectly okay with it?

Backstory: He had a normal life until last year, when he was kidnapped and tortured by a crazy queen named, Duchess.

Duchess... Typically is never used as someone's actual name. It's a title. It's also odd for a queen to have a name like Duchess, which is actually quite a bit lower in the noble hierarchy. Aside from that, how did she manage to kidnap him? He is the heir to the throne, and as such would have high-security personnel around him at all times.

Queen Duchess has a daughter named Deborah, who is terrified of her mother and does everything she says.

I'd be scared of her too, to be frank.

Prince was kidnapped after he declined Deborah's wishes to be her boyfriend.

...dayum. You hear about dads getting their shotguns when a guy breaks their daughters' hearts, but this is on another level. Was Prince especially rude when rejecting Deborah? Did Deborah ask her mother to do this? Going by the rest of the characterization you've provided for her, I would assume not.

Deborah was then ordered to torture him. So she did.

Seeing as Deborah still presumably had feelings for Prince, did she go easy on him? Did Duchess observe to make sure Deborah did as she was told?

After a couple of days Duchess decided she wanted to put Prince up for ransom, 3 million dollars to be exact.

Sounds about right for a Prince to me. Was either Kingdom particularly wealthy?

Prince met some children down in the prison, and they became friends, they looked out for Prince and made sure he didn't die, or attempt to kill himself. 

Why were there so many children in the prison? Particularly the same prison they're keeping a very important captive in? I mean, yay for friendship in seemingly hopeless situations, but I'm curious as to why they're down there in the first place.

The day his parents and his friend raised the money, was the day Duchess killed Prince.

Wait, what?

 She used a powerful spell that killed him. Then she left him to die and went to collect the money.

Oshit. Dead OC. That doesn't happen every day. Although, since it was money for a ransom, I doubt she would be able to collect the money without Prince in tow.

Deborah was sent with guards to grab Prince, when Deborah saw he was dead she felt guilty and attempted to resurrect him. She thought it had failed. Long story short it worked and he was sent to the hospital for months. 

So, what Kingdom's hospital was he sent to? If it was in Duchess's, since that's the most likely place for Deborah to have easy access to his corpse, wouldn't she be immediately notified? If another Kingdom, how did he get there without the guards noticing?

He has nightmares every night, has insomia, is afraid of the dark and lightning (he was electrocuted with magic).

Well, if he has insomnia, there's a very good chance he doesn't really sleep 'every night'. it'd be better to phrase this as "He has insomnia, and has nightmares on the rare occasions he sleeps." While I understand why he's afraid of lightning magic (getting electrocuted is pretty friggin painful), why is he afraid of the dark? Or is it more of a primal fear?

 He has a therapist, and is afraid to tell people what happened there. He also plays guitar as a coping method.

Who is his therapist? What are they like? Are they from his kingdom? You gotta remember to include extra details like this for character bios. I'm guessing his therapist is the only person he's told about being held hostage? Also. Good on you for doing your research on coping methods.

Tada! *pants heavily*

*polite applaud*

So far, so good. The main problem I found is that you don't give enough detail on certain aspects of the character, such as his relationship with his parents and sister, or (though this may just be a personal preference) his height. Like I said, so far, so good, but it'd be better if I had more to go off of. Hopefully this helps you develop him further, and I'll be sure to check out the story he's from.

Now, thanks to me falling behind because of a certain two-part Sue review, the next few chapters will be OC critiques. Thank you guys for being so patient. Between school and some personal stuff, my brain's been pretty far from Wattpad. I'll be doing my best to get the next review out as soon as possible.

 With that being said, HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

-M