Never Gonna Be Alone

Chapter 1----Why Me?

He knows he should stop. He knows it's a problem. But Laten Mahien just can't seem to stop. He's been doing this since his mother died in that horrible tragedy with the World Trade Center. You see, Laten is a 15 year old teenager with some major problems. One of those problems is self-harm. He's been doing this for over 2 years. On top of all that, he has P.T.S.D, insomnia, and last but not least, asthma.

Laten tossed and turned in his bed, trying desperately to get some sleep. He just woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. This was one of his many sleepless, and restless nights. He has so many of them, Laten lost count. He couldn't get back to sleep because the scene just keep playing in his head over, and over again.

Laten felt tears in his eyes. He rolled over to look at the digital clock on his nightstand. 3:45 a.m in the morning. He really should get some sleep, before he had to wake up at 6 to get ready for school. In truth, Laten used to love school. He always loved learning new things. That is, until his father made them move out of New York City. Now, Laten does't really like school anymore. The only thing that keeps him from skipping, is because he knows he's letting them win. He knew that the bullies would be winning if he kept from going to school. He does not want them to win. He still loves learning. Another reason why he doesn't want to skip is besides his education, Laten has one class that he dedicates his life to, almost. That class was Criminal Justice a.k.a CSI (Crime Scene investigation). He loved CSI. The teacher in there was just amazing.

Laten got out of his bed and walked toward his dresser. He pulled open a drawer and proceeded to look for his blade that he always used at a time like this. Merlin, he really did try to stop. He knows it's a problem to his health. He can physically see the problem, but he can't see it mentally. It's not like he was suicidal or anything.

It was all his fault. All his fault that his mother died. All his fault that he makes his father work over time. 

'I'm such a screw up. Everything is my fault!'. Laten thought. Finally he fount his pocket knife. He pulled his sleeve up, reviling every cut, and scar. He opened his knife and proceeded to make a cut on his skin. He winced at the slight pain that was there. He  deserves this, yet no matter how many cuts he makes, it will not undo the past. Not undo all the mistakes that he made. So, why does he keep doing it? He proceeded to make one more cut. None of these cuts were too deep. He was always very careful of that. He never wanted to end his life. Laten thought it would be very selfish of him. He just needed a relief. Nothing more.

Instantly he felt better. He felt more calm. He smiled a bit. It always worked. He slowly tip toed to the bathroom across the hall, and shut the door. He turned on the light and washed off all the blood. He really tried to stop, but it was just too hard to stop. He became too dependent on it. It was his only source for comfort. His father was hardly there. Again, it had to his fault. If he hadn't ate so much food, his mother wouldn't have had to gone to the World Trade where she worked. Which lead to another problem that Laten has...he barley even eats. Every time he ate he kept remembering that day. If he does even eat, he only eats a few bites. Noting more.

A few seconds later, the bleeding stopped. Laten pulled down his sleeve, and tip toed back to bed. As he crawled in, and got comfortable, he tried to sleep.

'Odd. Usually when I cut I can sleep better."  Laten thought. He moved his face to the pillow and screamed into it. After about 45 minutes, he decided to get his book out from the night stand. He turned on his lamp and proceeded to read. After another 45 minutes he gave up. He re read the same page at least a dozen or more times, and he couldn't remember a single word from it. He looked back at his clock. 4:30 a.m.

Laten sighed. He had 2 and a half hours to kill before getting ready. He hated  insomnia. He also hated having it. He had too much time on his hands. He was already done with doing his homework, tripled checked it when he was riding the city bus. By the way was very different from the one he was used to back in New York. He had already seen almost all of his movies at least 5 times. That was a lot considering he and his father had over 200 movies. Reading wasn't really helping.

He was getting bored really fast. He walked over to his book shelf and got his CD case. He began flipping through the CDs that he had. Then he came across a CD that his mother had made for him a week before she died. No matter how many times he listened to it, it always made him feel at peace. He smiled.

He walked over to his CD player, put in the disk and listened to the first song. It was called "Always loved." By a group called "The Black Hearts". The tune and drums and guitar blended to the song. Soon he started to sing to the rock music.

"You can't see, you don't know, you can't see that your always loved. You think it's a game, when your drowning in shame....You can't see...you don't know...You can't believe that your always loved. Well, I'll be here, I'll never leave you...Because you now know that your always loved..."

By the time the song was done, Laten had new tears in his eyes. He doesn't deserve peace. He's a murderer. He doesn't deserve anything but all the pain he had caused his father and his mother's friends. He listened to the 2ed song that was "Try Again" By the White Wind. This one song was hard rock. He then sang to it.

"You can't bring me down.. I won't let you!!! You cant' control me...I'd like to see you TRY!!!! Try again to take me down, try again to make me fall...I'll tell you now, your going to FAIL!!!!"

The song went for another 6 minutes. Laten looked back at the clock. 4:39. He really didn't care anymore. It would be years to him before 6:00 rolled around. The next song started. He decided to just chill and be patient. 6 will roll around soon enough.

"But not soon enough" Laten told himself. He closed his eyes and let his fingers tap to the beat, while he was thinking.

"Why is it me? Why does this happen to me? I never asked for this. Well, Laten, your mother never asked to be killed by you." Laten flinched as he talked to himself,. "You know why. It's all your fault. It's a wonder why your father is hardly here at times. He does not want to look at what he calls a son. Shut up, that's not true. But you know it's true. You deserve everything that is coming to you. The bullies, the guilt, the loneliness, oh yea...it's such a wonder."

This was normal for Laten. When there was nothing to do to occupy himself, he talked to himself and down graded himself. He was self conscious of almost everything. He wore long sleeve to hide all the scars running up and down his arm. He is surprised no one has noticed yet. He would wear his uniform shirt for Gym over his long sleeve so that nobody would see his scars. Nobody has ever noticed yet. 

He doesn't know what to do with his self harming. He doesn't know if he wants someone to know, or if he doesn't. He wants help but is to afraid to get it. He is also terrified what will happen if someone does know. What will happen if someone finds out? Will he get locked in some hospital? He hopes it won't be the last one. That will not help him in any way. He doesn't want to be forced to stop, but he does want to stop. He is just to terrified about what will happen if he does stop. He is sure he will lose his mind if someone took his blade from him. Like, actually go crazy...suicidal crazy. He does not want that to happen.

He could hear his father getting ready for work.

Odd. It's not even 5 yet. Laten looked at the clock.

Oh wow. It was 5 00 a..m. Laten was surprised. 'Well, time does go by fast when your listening to music.'  He thought. 'Might as well watch the news.'

Laten groaned as he got out of bed. He could feel the slight stinging from the two cuts he had made. At least he was distracted from his thoughts. He walked out of the room, and into the living room.

His Dad greeted him. "Hey. Had a good sleep?"

Laten rolled his eyes. "Since when have I had a good sleep?"

His Father shrugged. "Just asking. Why are you up this early?" His Father wasn't even looking at him as he spoke to him.

"I couldn't get to sleep." He got the remote and turned it to the news channel.

"You need to get some sleep. It will damage your health."

Laten rolled his eyes again. "I know, Father. I just can't get to sleep."

His Father walked into the room, and finally looked at his son for the first time since his son left his room. "How about you try harder?" He then walked out of the room to take a shower.

"Why can't you be more supportive? Then again, I'm the one who deserves this." Laten said quietly, as he continued to watch the news without him. "Good Morning to you too, Dad."