Never Gonna Be Alone

Chapter 9--I Feel Like Doing It Again

Laten stood by the door listening. He couldn't believe all of this was happening. He never asked for this to happen.

Sure he wanted a godfather, but not like this. He just wanted everything to be back to normal, again. Before his mother passed away in those Towers.

He walked quietly to his bed, to get his cell phone, Tankie said to call when he felt like cutting again. Well, he felt like doing it again.

He dialed the number.

BEEP....BEEP...BEEP...BEEP...BEEP...BEEP...BEEP...

Hi, sorry I can't come to the phone right now. If this is Laten, please don't do it. It woun't be worth it. Anyway I will call you up as soon as possible. Love you all. Leave a message.

Laten sighed and hung up. The one time he really needed him, and he doesn't answer.

It wasn't Tankie's fault. It was Laten's fault. If he wasn't a cutter Tankie would not have this problem. 

Where was his blade? Oh right...they took it. He could always get something in the kitchen, but his father would know what was going on.

Laten sighed. Actually, there was always a small knife in the first aid kit to cut off the gauze because they lost the scissors. He knew it would be sharp enough. Besides, he always wanted to try it.

He opened the door, went to the bathroom, and closed the door.

Good. He wasn't seen.

Now, his father always put the aid in different places. First place to always look, is in the mirror. Laten pulled open the mirror, but only saw the band-aides.

'Well, that will come in handy soon.' Laten thought. But that was not what he was looking for. 

He was about to close it, when something caught his eye. It was 2 bottles of pills.

But the name of them caught his eye.

Laten turned the pill all the way around to see the name.

"Rozerem." He said that out loud. Why would his father have sleeping pills that were never opened?

Laten would have to check in to that later. Right now, he had something he needed to find.

He looked in the cabinet under the sink, and finally found it.

Laten sighed. He opened it and looked through it. Finally after 2 minutes of searching, he finally grasped it.

He got it out, and put everything back. He put the knife in his pocket, and walked out of the bathroom.

Thank goodness his father wasn't paying attention. He walked back into his room, closed the door, and leaned against it.

Oh how he had been dying to do this again. He'd been wanting to cut again. He pulled up his sleeve, unwrapped the gauze that was still there He had to cut on his right arm. The scars were fading.

He held the blade with his left hand and put it diagonally across his forearm. He applied pressure, and dragged it across his arm.

Wow. This cut even better then his original blade did. It was smooth, and it bled so perfectly. It hurt so good. The sting was just what he needed.

Laten smiled a bit. This is what he missed. He felt every thought fade away, all his emotions fade away. This was heaven.

Laten stood there for a few moments taking in everything he had missed. They may have taken anything sharp from him, but he could still find some things.

He would have to hide this really well. Maybe in between his two mattresses. That should be the perfect place. It would be so easy to get to during the night. 

When he finally pulled himself together, the blood was already drying off.

Laten cursed and got an old water bottle from some unknown part of his room, and poured it on there. He took off his shirt and placed it over his new cut.

He felt bad. He needed to stop. He knew it  was a problem. He could see it physically, but not mentally.

Truth was, he didn't really want to stop. It felt to good. It was like a drug for him. Cutting was like a drug. You love it so much, you become dependent on it.

He removed the shirt, and the cut was clean. He pulled down the sleeve, and put the blade between the mattresses.

He checked his phone.

Oh crap.

He missed 3 missed calls. All from Tankie.

He sighed and dialed his friend back.

BEEP...BEEP..BE-

Hey, Laten. How are you?

Laten sat down on the bed. He sighed. "I did it again."

Laten could hear a sigh. 

You cut?

"Yeah."

You want to talk about it?

"I have a Godfather. Guess who it is?"

You have a Godfather? Yes, I want to know! Who is it?

Laten took a breath. "It's my teacher. My CSI teacher."

And you cut yourself over that?

Laten plopped on his back. "Its more complicated then that. Nothing is making sense anymore. I needed to feel more in control."

Why didn't you wait until I called you back?

Laten rolled his eyes. "I can't wait. I haven't been cutting sense I came back from the hospital yesterday. I needed it."

OK, you need to go see your counselor.

"Can't. Not until tomorrow."

At least your getting help.

"Can you please not tell anybody that he is my Godfather? I wasn't suppose to have known yet according to Dad."

I promise you. You can trust me. I will not speak a word of it. Do you still have that bad feeling?

"Yes. It has been bothering me all day. Which is also why I cut just now. After I did that, I felt calm, and more relaxed. I told you. I need it."

OK, you need to get some sleep. I believe you. I really do. But you will feel more better if you have rest.

"I knew you would never understand." Laten hung up. Why did he have to bring that up? He was perfectly calm until Tankie had to bring that up.

Something just told Laten not to trust his counselor. This was not something that was magically going to go away. He knew about these feelings. They were more then just that. It's like it's hinting at you about what's going to happen in the future. Laten knew when to trust these feelings. He can tell you he did not trust him.

Maybe he can tell his Godfather about that. Whatever the feeling is, it will not go away.

Curse Tankie for bringing that up. Now he had to go cut again, so he can be distracted by his thoughts. Maybe he can even get some sleep.

Actually, Laten changed his mind about cutting himself again. He really did need sleep. Sleep was just really hard for him because he had that sleeping disorder. Maybe it will give him a break, this time.

Laten put his phone on the nightstand and layed down on his bed.

Well, let's try it.

Laten closed his eyes, and tried to concentrate on the one thing that cleared his mind, and tried to ignore the fact that he felt like he needed to do it..just one more time