Don't Shoot the Messenger! (Adventures of a Critic)

Anyone who has been a critic has been there-especially on wattpad. You check out a story and it's hideous. Usually, you know that you can't be a complete jerkoff and say "your story sucks" but you also want to gracefully tell them that something needs edits and that their characters need work and overall they need to change up some things. 

Then all hell breaks loose. 

"MY STORY IS BEAUTIFUL! I AM SO SRY THAT YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND MY WRITING LYKE EVERY1 ELSE!"  

That's from the author. Now you get his/her peons.

"I LUV THIS STORY, YOU JERK!"

"I DON'T SEE ANY READS ON YOUR STORY!"

"HER STORY IS GREAT AND IF YOU DON'T SEE THAT YOU NEED TO GET A LYFE." 

So on, so forth. I can't even write as poorly as they do, this isn't even a good representation of the horror I, and other critics, receive on a story basis. 

I have been critiquing for years now. Do you know how often I get this? Too. Damn. Much. 

You wanted my help. I gave it to you. I'm proud of my critiquing abilities, admittedly I may not be the greatest writer but I am a damn good reader. This is what makes me a good critic, and I know exactly what I need to do to get you to point A to point B. I critique as gracefully as possible without sugar coating, I explain in detail why it's wrong, I never give out my opinion of the book (because you shouldn't), and I never just blatantly tell someone a problem without telling how to fix it and why it's a problem. I know what I'm doing, I'm trying to help you learn WHAT to do. I don't mean to sound pompous, I really don't. There are critics out there that are great, better than I am. I just know that I am good too and I know my stuff. 

It seems, nowadays, that actually giving a legitimate critique is out of the question. Good lord, I did not say what everyone else is saying so therefor I should be: reported, screamed at, punched in the face, shot down and thrown in a cave. Personally, I like my cave, it keeps away all the bad grammar. 

You say you want an "honest critique". I will not give you simply an honest critique, but a sincere one. I want to help you, I want you to get better. I may love your plot line but your writing is atrocious, I may love your writing but your story is awful, I might not be able to stand anything-but I'm trying and I know you are too (or I'd like to think you are). The least you can do is accept what I'm saying and at least take what I say into consideration. I am NOT forcing my ideas down your throat, they are suggestions. I am NOT telling you there is a way it has to be, I'm saying that the way you have it isn't working. 

Please, just don't shoot the messenger! Kay? That sound good? I think it does. Help me to help you, nothing better than that. Golden rule, remember it guys. Ask for a critique, I'll give you one.

If you're looking for someone to comment about how good your shitty book is, then go find the pathetic R4Rs that I hate so much, they will give you a fake comment and you'll be satisfied and have LEARNED NOTHING. 

You want a critic? It's very simple, we really are good people. All you need to do is ask politely, tell us what you want done, take the critique in professionally (and if you would like to discuss, then please, I'm all for it), and thank us-and we will thank you. If you'd like to add some things, we love cookies and chocolate, we'll gladly be your friend, and having discussions about good books will make us fan-girl (or fan-boy) like no tomorrow. 

Welcome to Critic Land. I'm your host, Samantha. If you would please: don't shoot the messenger.