Don't Shoot the Messenger! (Adventures of a Critic)

When Characters "Know Everything"

I don't care what profession your character is in. I don't care what he/she does, I don't care if they've seen the past and the future. I watch Doctor Who, and guess what, not even a Time Lord knows everything, so there isn't a person on Earth who could possibly know everything. 

So, when I hear this,

"My Mom's a brain surgeon, so she pretty much knows everything."

Really? Does she know how to sell a house, does she know how to operate on a heart, does she know how to cook eggs, does she know the first word uttered by the first man in the universe, has she met God, does she speak Portugese, how about Latin, does she know why Latin is a dead language, tell me the scientific name for Horse!

(Which is equus, just so you know, the scientific name for horse.)

The "such and such knows everything" is so childish and makes your character seem incredibly stupid.

There are so few times this works, and it does work if your character is a child. I've been reading The Poisonwood Bible for my Lit class, and let me tell you this--I could see Leah in the beginning of the book saying "My father knows everything" or Ruth May saying that about her older sisters. 

If you do have such a character, a child, having them say should be really important, actually. That's making such and such a character a sort of idol for the character who believes them to know everything. And the best thing to do to make your young child character grow up? Show whoever they think "knows everything" become totally clueless in front of something. Maybe screw up monumentally. Ruin that "perfect image" for them. That's called reality and would show your childish character to "coming of age" sort of thing. Or at least give them a taste of what the real world is like.

Anyways, this isn't about that. This is about characters who are described to know everything. It immediately pisses me off when I see that, I get very cynical and some dry humor is often involved. 

It's even better when the character has no qualifications. Often the main character nerd is told this by her best friend, "you're like, a genius, so you practically know everything." 

She's a sophomore in high school who can't talk whenever she's around a boy (their characterization, not mine!) so please explain to me how she knows everything? She certainly isn't a smooth talker.

And let me tell you this: knowing how to talk to people is a skill that you either work on or is a talent that you improve upon. Charisma is a skill that can be learned. To some it comes naturally, to some it doesn't, that's the way it goes. Knowing how to talk to people would be a part of "knowing everything". So, don't exclude social skills out of the "knowing everything" because it takes a lot to be an avid and not-awkward social butterfly. 

One other reason that I might want to put out that it may be appropriate to have a character seem to "know everything" would be if your character has a mental disability. This may be the only case where even though you may show the character that supposedly knows everything totally stumped, they still may believe they know everything, because often those with mental disabilities are incredibly loyal to their friends and family and are very believing of their friends and family (or they do not believe in people at all, depends on how they were raised with family). They may understand, but if the case is very severe, they may not. This would be something you should look into extensively before you try to pull off such a character, though, and even so, you need to decide what kind of symptoms your character shows, which would ultimately change the way he/she interacts with other characters. 

(Also, if I get any comments for being against the mentally disabled, I'm going to get pretty pissed. Let me tell you this: I love mentally disabled people, I'm around them quite often and they are often the most interesting and lovely people I've ever met, so don't even try. I'm not being rude or against, I'm explaining a situation about them, because that is their reality. I've been around them quite a lot and have done extensive research and I've talked to their helpers. So, just putting that out there before someone comes along and mistakes information for insults, because that's not what I'm doing. And if I hear any of YOU say anything against those with mental disabilities (though I doubt you will because most who read this are very lovely people, but just in case), I will fly off the handle and give you the lecture of your life. Got it? Good.) 

So, unless your character is a child, mentally disabled, or in a satire,  then it may be appropriate to say that another character knows everything. 

If your character is mature, does not have a mental disability, is not in a satire, and not dumb as a post, then don't ever describe them describing another person as "practically knowing everything". Because then I'll laugh and ask you the same thing I did about the mother brain surgeon. 

No one knows everything. It's just the way the world is.