Don't Shoot the Messenger! (Adventures of a Critic)

Tips: How to Address a Critic, and How to Get Jobs

Hey Critters!

I'm here to talk about how to get someone to critique your works, and how you get people to ask you for a critique and accept them. I just realized I had never done a chapter on this, and yes it is a basic principle, but it's one that I think might have some use. 

We'll start off with how to address your critic.

Number One: Check out your critic!

 - Your critic, ideally, has critiqued other people. Ask them for a book that they've critiqued! I have all of mine listed in a little library section, and it works great. I have people ask me all the time from my past critiques to critique your work (this is something I'll talk about later). Seriously, though; you want the best way to avoid a bad critic? Check them out. If they have nothing else out, then you have the right to be suspicious. If they're just starting that doesn't mean condemn 'em, though. I say allow yourself to be a guinea pig, and if they're terrible, ask them questions. "What did you think of ____" and "was this ___ phrased well enough?". It'll rub off on the questions that they really should be answering, rather than what they're doing. 

Number Two: Make sure they're open. 

 - This isn't always easy. If you're getting your critic from another book that they critiqued it's especially hard, then you just ask politely though and it's all good. But if they're in the Critique Section of the clubs, just watch out. Make sure it says open or that it's been updated and whatnot. If you still can't find anything, same as above, just ask nicely. If they're not open, respect them. If you really really want the critic, strike conversations with them! You don't even need to bring up critiquing at all, in fact, don't if you can, and just talk to them. They'll remember you when you actually want a critique. 

Number Three: Address them with your best writing. 

 - Don't say "hai, i wuz wundring if u culd gimme a critc or sumthing". That tells them that that is how you write, and half of the time they're going to go "sorry, I can't!" to avoid you. Try to address them as grammatically correct as possible and with little spelling errors. 

Number Four: Be patient, but don't be a pushover.

 - This is my biggest issue: I allow my books to fall behind. People hired me and I lose time between the critiques and some fall through the cracks. Remember: You hired your critic. Especially if they made you do a payment, they better do the work behind it. If they don't give you a specific time that they'll do it, ask for one. If they can't give you an answer - be patient. If it's been over a week, give them a friendly message "hey! Just wondering when you'll look at my story. No rush, promise, but just stopping by." If they get mad at that, that's a bit ridiculous. If its been over two weeks, be a little more forceful. "Hey, I asked you to give me a critique a couple weeks ago . . . " and if its been over a month, talk to them if you still even want it. (by the way, sorry people I still need to critique. If you still want one, comment below saying "Yes".)

Number Five: Be respectful

 - Respect that we're busy people, like we respect you. Respect our critique, too, don't delete it all without talking to us first. Just overall respect. If they don't respect you, demand it from them. I don't tolerate lack of respect when dealing with critique, neither should those getting the critique. 

Now for the critics in the place. You want jobs? Here's a few tips. 

Number One: Go to the clubs and put your name down. 

 - In each club there is a place for critics. Put your name down, your services. Be detailed (for the love of all that is holy don't put down "honest critiques" because that's bull) and tell exactly what you can do. Also, write your advertisement with the best grammar and correct spelling - if I see a misspelled or lazy advertisement ("im a critic. come & txt me in my PM") then I won't hire you. 

Number Two: Keep a section of your old critiques. 

 - Wattpad makes this easy: just put them into your library. Now, lots of people take down stories on this site, so not all of them are going to stay, but put as many as you can on there. Your old critiques are your greatest advertisement. That's your firsthand example of a critique! 

Also, ask people who will argue on your behalf if you'd like. Word of mouth (or word of text, rather) is a great tool!

Number Three: Don't be that pricey asshole.

 - You're critiquing a novel that is published online, not critiquing J.K. Rowling. Be reasonable with your payment. Don't ask for a fan, a dedication, a new cover, a cat, and a lung; okay? You aren't the wizard of Oz and have no right to ask for the witch's broom. In fact, try to just suggest payments instead of enforcing them. "It'd be awesome if you could take a look at my story, but I will do it for free just fine," kind of thing. Asking for a critique is fine, asking for a dedication is okay-ish, I recommend not asking for fans (this may be more of a personal preference, but I know I'm not alone in saying this next bit): I only fan people that I like their writing or talk to regularly, I don't want to fan a person I got a design from or fan someone who I got a critique from because I don't care to be checked in with them to be honest. It's just more crap to sift through on my news board for the stuff I actually care about. 

Number Four: Get things done

 - Hypocrisy really is a bitch, but here I am preaching hypocrisy: try to get stuff done quick. I know that a critique is hard work (that's why I take forever, I really am sorry) but it is best to get stuff done as fast as possible - but not poor work - but quality, quick work is best. Try to have a schedule set up, and if anything comes up, talk to the people you were hired by. Best advice? Only bite as much as you can chew. Don't take twenty people to critique. Take five tops, really, because a decent critique takes a long time. 

Number Five: Respect your author's decisions

 - Sadly, sometimes authors suck (just being honest). Don't flip out when they delete your comments on their critique. If you need to ask them about it, just say "hey, you got all of that, right?" or "was there anything in my critique you'd like to ask about?". It's up to them whether your word stays or go. It's upsetting when it all goes to waste, but sadly, it's not your book. And also, respect in the first place. Tell them they're doing a good job, and writing is a process, and that's awesome that they're working for it. Even if the story is awful, you got to be respectful. It's really important, if there's one thing I get into all of your guys' minds today it's this: Always be respectful. Always. 

Hope you found this helpful. I can't believe I hadn't done this yet, ugh, what a fool. But anyways, that's it for today! Hope you're enjoying Critic Land. Don't shoot the messenger, please, and have a lovely day! 

By the way, I know this is annoying (I hate long author's notes about irrelevant things, but, I just have to) look up I Found by Amber Run. The song is beautiful and definitely worth it.