June.

Wreck me.

I'm a lightweight.

Easy to fall.

Easy to break.

-Demi Lovato.

June,

What am I doing?

What is he doing?

What are we doing?

We can't do this. He shouldn't have kissed me. I shouldn't have liked it. He shouldn't have pulled me close. I shouldn't have allowed it. He shouldn't have warmed me up with his stupid smile. I should have fucking looked away.

I feel so pathetic. I can't breathe.

What is this? What the fuck is this feeling? What is this game he is playing with me?

I don't want to be like this. So weak. So out of control.

He makes me forget everything. He makes me forget the walls surrounding me. He makes me want to forget everything and everyone in the world and focus just on him- his words, his eyes, his familiarity.

But he also make me mad. He makes me crazy. We fight all the time. He says things that hurt me. And I don't even know what he means nowadays. It's like a whole new side.

But deep down somewhere, yesterday, I thought I had him again. I thought I saw a glimpse of the boy who sits next to me in History class. That boy with the worst jokes in the history of jokes. The boy who seems to know me more than I do myself.

And it's fucking scary.

Am I being dramatic? Probably.

Am I allowed? Yes. Isn't everybody ?

Okay. Lets overthink this together, shall we?

Does he care? Is it crazy that despite everything, I really want him to. Even if he cares, and even if I let him in, do you think we would last? Do you think that he would be happy linked to somebody like me? I mean, am I not doing him a favour just keeping my distance? Won't he be more at ease, and less stressed if he didn't have a crazy cutting maniac around him.

Wouldn't he be better off without me? Don't I bring him down?

I mean look. I saw him yesterday, and he has lost weight. Not a lot. But he has. His face is pale. His eyes are red and raw. But God help me, he's beautiful.

I almost didn't see the sunset yesterday. I was too busy gazing at the light dancing in his green eyes, and the golden sun weaving through his ruffled hair.

Anyway, back to the point. Don't you see? Just a couple of months with me has brought him down. I don't want to be baggage to him.

And he's such a sweetheart, he won't even admit to the fact that I am spoiled goods. He will probably just bear with it. Bear with it till he can.

I don't want that.

Salt water doesn't taste that good. Sorry, you're probably confused. It's just that I'm crying, and a tear rolled into my mouth. My sorrow tastes salty. Wow.

I feel like it's better this way. I can go back doing what I do. And he can find genuine happiness elsewhere. Nobody likes to be tied to someone like me. That's the truth. And probably the only time Declan has registered it, was that day, in the parking lot.

On a happy note. I got my test papers in. Full marks. Worth being an insomniac, don't you think?

Help me. Help me before they strike me down. I don't want to waste away.

Though I can't say I was a little disappointed. I thought he was going to lean in to kiss me. Kiss me. Not on the cheek like a gentleman. But a rough kiss.

What? Can't a girl fantasize?

June.