Onward And Sideways (Completed.)

Chapter 17

The next day, I had Ally  over to catch up. We had both been super busy with work, and me with school, and when we did hang out it was usually with the whole squad. But today we were both free, it being a Sunday afternoon, and the boys buisy with YouTube stuff.

We sat in the living room, just catching up and goofing off, until we came to the topic of my recent success.

"So, what exactly did you figure out?" She asked.

I sighed, leaning back against the arm of the couch. I stared at the ceiling. "Quite a lot, actually. Bear with me, okay?"

She nodded, so I began what was surely to be a very curcumbenibus few minutes.

"Okay. You know how my mom was planning on moving out of state? Well, my dad just informed us that he wants to move out of state instead. Most likely all the way to Texas. So instead of this just being a seoeration, he has decided that he doesn't want to try at all, with any of us, ever. So they are definatly getting a devorce." I sighed, rubbing my forehead in frustration. I never thought life would be this complicated.

I dropped my hand and spoke again. "And at first I was hurt. Like, okay, I thought he might still give a crap about trying with me and my siblings at least, but no. Unstead, he has decided that we will be those people that have to say 'well I have a dad, but I'm not really sure where he is at the moment. I haven't seen him in years. He didn't think we were worth it."

So... I'm still upset, a little. Not heartbroken, but it still kinda stings, you know? But then I realised the other day: ot is not my job to make everyone happy at my own expence, and if somebody doesn't want me in their life, doesn't think I'm worth it, then it is not my fault if we grow apart. Why keep trying if I'm just going to keep getting pushed aside, made to feel like I'm not worth it, like something's wrong with me?

And then I was thinking about what I'm doing with my life. I know what I want to do, what pulls at my heart, but I've always lived in fear of rejection or critisism, even after years of working on that. And I've decided I am just so freaking done with it. I know that I have potential, and that I'm doing the right thing, so why the crap am I so worried about the backlash of that? If I am doing what I'm supposed to do, why should I be the one in the wrong? I know I'm a nice, considerate person, and I am certianly not stupid, and anybody who tells me otherwise is lying, whether they know it or not. They are wrong.

So I am going to live the way I know I should, and not give a crap if anybody doesn't like it. I am not here on this earth to be a coward, I am here for a reason, and gosh darn it, I am going to do it. Que war paint." I finish my rant.

"That's a lot to have figured out all at once, but that's awesome. I'm so happy for you." Ally said, smiling at me.

"Thank you."

Part of my plan to move faward was with my YouTube channel. So I had Ally guest in one I was filming today.

I sat infront of the camera, on my bed, alone for the moment. I turned it on.

"Hello everyone. Today is an important video, because I'm changing my channel a little. I hope you all stay abord this hastily assembled raft of a channel, but either way is fine. Now, I should start off by saying something.

I'm weird.

I know, shocking, I'm sure you had no clue, it's not like I've let you see my dragon obsession or anything. But there's a storyto this, okay?

I grew up without friends, for the most part. I had forgotten this until recently, but I remembered recently that other kids didn't want to hang out with me because I was weird. I was a girl who hated dresses and was freaked out by weird things, who loved dinosaurs and bugs with an intensity of the sun, amd hated having my nails painted for a long time. I was too much of a tom boy for the girls, and too much of a girl for the boys. But because of this, I became very self reliant. I am very used to being alone. So much so that when people actually express an interest in being my friend even now, I get very suspcious. I automatically assume that they all secretly think I'm needy amd weird and awefull, and it's all just some sick joke. And it is very hard to let people in, to not just have a "prepare for the worst" mindset about it all and just wait for them to shed their desguise and be like "Ha, punked you. You fool."

And I know a lot of people have this way of thinking, so today I have with me an actual, real life friend."

Ally popped into screen, joining me on the bed.

"Yes, I know, shocking, they're so rare." I gesture to her like Vana White.
"And I am going to show you how to spot a real friend" i brought out a toy wand, using to point things out like I was giving a lecture. I planned on adding words to the screen later, in editing.

"Notice her eyes. Shockingly, they do not scream 'Heaven help me, this person is forcing me to be here, go away.' Are you here of your own free will?" I asked her. She nodded.

"Notice, also, that she is not sitting as far away from me as humanly possable, clinging to the wall like I might bite her. These are all signs that she considers me a frienly, or at least not a harmfull brand of crazy. Probably the later, honestly."

I point at her wrist, were she's wearing her charm bracelet, a match to Ira's and mine. I also brandash my own wrist.
"And see?! We habe friendship bracelets! Freaking friendship bracelets. For friends. Wearing it of her own free will, and I didn't habe to pay her or bribe her with snacks. Though the later probably contributed to building our friendship, now that I think about it."

I put my pointer stick away.

"But really, on a serious note. If a person seems to genually want to be around you, and makes an effort to talk to you, to get to know you and point out things you have in common, they are most likely genuinly interested in having some form of relationship with you. If they continue to act this way after you have lost your freaking mind more than once, after you have spewed all the thouhts and worries you usually keep locked aeay, but in a moment of weakess just burst from your mouth or keybord like water through a crack in a dam, they're probably a good friend.

Not everybody is bad. There are genuinly good people out there, and some of them are even the same brand of weird as you are. People will come and go throughout your life, but some of them are meant to stay. Don't push everyone away before you give them a chance to be fantastic. It may take a long time before you find one of these people, but when you do, it's like the clouds have parted and a rainbow has come.

I thought I was broken. I legitimatly thought I was just not worht anything, would end up just having to trudge through life alone, but I made a decision to let some people in, and it was one of the best decisions of my life. I have friends now, Ally and others, that I know will help me through bad times if I let them, and also be my cheering squad when somehing good happens.
Don't deprive yourself of that. You are good enough, you deserve friends. I promise.

Goodbye."