Fixing Him (A Troyler Fanfiction) [UNDER EDITING]

iii. •Troye•

iii. •Troye•

I sat on the hotel bathroom floor holding my legs close to my chest, rocking back and forth. I wasn't used to this feeling. I was used to the feeling of self hatered. Of pain. Of numbness. But this, this I had not felt before. I had butterflies in my stomach along with my self hatred. I knew Tyler was doing something to me but I was not ready to fall in love. I honestly didn't know if my I could handle it, especially in my depressive state of mind. So I sat on the cold floor of the bathroom and thought about Tyler. I thought about his gorgeous blonde hair that I just wanted to run my fingers through. I thought about his beautiful blue eyes. I thought about his wonderful , hilariously perfect laugh. I thought about his lips and how much I just wanted to kiss them. I realized in that moment how much I really liked Tyler, not just he was my favorite youtuber and I loved him and everything. I realized I liked him as an actual person and not just a youtuber. I looked up to him, yes, I mean he was the first person I ever subscribed to on YouTube, hell, he was the reason I started making videos in the first place. But never did I ever think I would actually love him like that. Then again, not everyone gets to actually meet and befriend their celebrity crush.

I decided it was time to stop thinking and it was time to shower. As I took the shower, I couldn't stop thinking about Tyler. Then, my thoughts took a bad turn. Tyler would never love me. I'm like a little kid in his eyes. He'll find another boy whose one hundred times better than I am. He'll be more attractive than I am, closer to Tyler's age, he'll just be better than I am. The more I thought about this, the more depressed I got. I hated this feeling, but no matter how hard I tried, it always came back. Yeah, I didn't always feel it 24/7, but when I was alone, it always would come back to me. I turned in the shower and spotted a razor. I whipped myself back around and told myself that it was possible that my blood could stain the bathroom floor and then who knows who would see it first. I shuddered at the thought. But maybe I could find a way to do it without anyone finding out. As soon as I realized what I was doing, I turned off the shower I immediately ran out and quickly threw on the clothes I had put in the for me. As I was getting ready I couldn't stop thinking about how beautifully sharp the razor looked and smiled. One cut wouldn't hurt, right? I straightened up my hair and decided that I looked presentable. I rolled up my sleeves ready to reach up my shirt, ready to make myself feel. I walked over to the tub/shower and started to reach in just as I heard a knock on the door.

"Troye?" Tyler asked, "Can I come in?"

"Yeah, Just a sec," I quickly replied, shutting the curtain behind me and hurriedly rolling down my sleeves. I ran over to the door. I flatted my shirt onto my chest, took a deep breath and opened the door to a stressed Tyler. He ran his hands through his hair and said,

"Troye, I do appreciate how adorable you look right now, but we're late."

"Shit, shit, shit, sorry" I mumbled. Dammit Troye, you did it again. I bit my lip in worry and just stared at Tyler's gorgeous face.

"Well come on silly, don't just stand there, get your stuff and let's go!" I went to my bedside, grabbed my wallet and walked to the door behind Tyler. After I locked and closed the door, Tyler and I just stood next to each other outside the door and looked at each other for what seemed like minutes but was actually probably about three seconds. He glanced down at my hand, ran his other through his hair, and finally took ahold of my hand and ran. We ran all the way down the hotel hallway, side by side, hand in hand. I blushed at the fact that we could be seen but at the same time I was just taking in all the happiness that Tyler had given me from that one simple action. I wondered if Tyler knew I was falling head over heels for him and that's why he was doing this or maybe he actually liked me? I quickly pushed that thought away as I hated myself and I just couldn't fathom the fact that anyone let alone Tyler could have feelings for me.

When we finally reached the elevator, Tyler dropped my hand and walked in. The doors shut and down we went. He pulled out his phone and nodded. I gave him questioning eyebrows and he just told me that we wouldn't be as late as he'd expected. This decreased a lot of my anxiety regarding this dinner. I may not look like it, but I am a very anxious person, especially around people. Meeting new people along with being in a room with loads of people all at once just freaks me out.

We exited the elevator and I could feel the anxiety bubbling inside of me. This was the first time meeting loads of these youtubers in person. I mean, sure I'd talked to almost all of them online before, just meeting people face to face in person is a lot different than texting or talking over twitter. It was almost as if Tyler could sense my anxiety because he grabbed a hold of my hand and gave it a squeeze.

When we reached the room, Tyler let go of my hand and I felt an emptiness. I understand that he did it for my sake because I wasn't out yet and Tyler didn't know if I was gay or not. To be honest, he probably just thought I was straight because I had never mentioned it to him before. He did it to protect me from the questions and the looks people would give us and not to mention the attention it would have put on me. In that moment I decided that Tyler knew way better than I thought he did and I needed to be careful around him. I couldn't let him in, no matter how much I wanted to, because he would hurt me, just like all the others.

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During dinner, I talked when people spoke to me, but never more than I had to. It wasn't because I was scared of these people, because I wasn't. Loads of them were great friends. It was just that I didn't feel the need to speak. If I spoke a lot, people would interrupt me because they had something better to say or as I was in the middle of saying something they would stop listening. To not go through the humiliation of that, it's a lot easier to just avoid talking.

By the end of dinner, Tyler was drunk. Fuck, what do I do with an adorable drunk man? I didn't know what to do with him exactly, so I brought him back up to my hotel room, layed him down on my bed and put a blanket over him. I put a glass of water on the night stand next to him and as soon as his head touched the pillow, he passed out.

I grabbed my laptop and sat up on the bed next to where Tyler was sleeping. I decided I better watch him carefully in case something happened.

About an hour later, I heard a mumble. I looked down at Tyler and his eyes were flickering open.

"Troye..?"

"Yeah, I'm right here. Do you need anything? I gave you some water over there." I smiled at him.

I was so close to google, "how to take care of a drunk person" , but I didn't.

"Troye, I don't feel so good.."

Oh shit.

"Troye..."

I sprang out of bed and ran to the other side. I helped Tyler and helped him to the bathroom and as soon as we made it to the toilet, all of Tyler's dinner and alcohol was down the pipes of the hotel's toilet.

A/N: So, yay or nay?! Vote please it makes me happpyyy ! <3 Also, I feel like this chapter's longer than the last one? The feels this chapter gave me while writing, ugh. Also, I have a twitter! It's @oktroyler_ and it would mean the world if you could follow me on there. Thanks so much, guys!

-Kristen