Fixing Him (A Troyler Fanfiction) [UNDER EDITING]

xiii. •Troye•

xii. •Troye•

Do you ever wake up and hear the birds chirping with they sun beating through the window and think to yourself, 'Damn, my life is great?'

Yeah, me neither.

I woke up, rolled over to say good morning to Tyler but he wasn't there. I thought I had heard a noise, but apparently I was wrong. My eyes shot open and I was right, no boyfriend. The only thing there was a note and my heart sunk.

Dear Troye,

First thing I want you to know is that I love you. I always have loved you and never think any different. What I'm about to tell you is not your fault whatsoever. Don't blame yourself because I would have ended up this way anyway.

What you need to know: If you're reading this, I'm dead.

No, no, this isn't some sick practical joke that I'm pulling on you, this is real. I'm sorry I'm doing this to you, I just didn't know how I could tell you. You were going through your own shit that I was helping you through and I couldn't have thrown my shit onto you.

I don't really know how it began, I mean, it was so long ago that it's hard to remember. I always hated myself and my body and through all of the therapy that I had nothing could ever cure it completly. I've been going through one of my bad bouts of depression and I guess the hate got to me.

Do you know how many death threats I've received?

I probably would have done this sooner but you said you were coming to LA so I needed to see you one last time.

Again, please don't think that any of this is your fault because it isn't. This is something that you couldn't had prevented and it would have happened anyway. If anything, you helped me last longer than anyone else. You were there for me and we understood each other's pain even if sometimes you didn't know I was hurting. Thank you, Troye, for being there for me even in the short while that we've spent together.

Tell my viewers that they are all perfect and that I apologize for leaving them alone in the cold. I have a video for you to upload to explain everything that happened and hopefully that will help. The video is in my laptop under the folder named , 'Goodbye'. You should know what to do from there.

Let my mother know that none of this was ever her fault either and that I love her to pieces. Tell her to stay strong and don't give up like I did. Tell her that I just wasn't good at existing.

Tell all of our youtuber friends that I love them and I miss them.

By the way, only tell a few people who must know about this letter; I don't want to be known as the 'Youtuber who killed himself'.

My last words of advice to you are, Live life to it's fullest, forget about me, grow old with a man who loves you as much as I hoped to love you and never give up because soon you'll realize what a beautiful gift life is and by that time you'll be old and it'll be time to go.

Love you,

- Tyler

P.S - If you really love me, don't try and find me.

Tears slid down my cheeks as I read his letter. I dropped it and screamed into the pillow.

I finally moved out of the bed, tears fiercely rolling down my checks with my body violently shaking. Blades. I needed my blades. I walked to the bathroom and was shocked at what I saw.

"Troye, go the fuck away," he said, voice shaking.

"Tilly, no!" I grabbed the bottle of pills from him and pushed the ones that were in his hands onto the dirty floor.

"Troye!" He growled, tears running down his cheeks, "I have to do this."

"No, Tilly you don't," I fell down onto the floor next to him and kissed him all over, "No, no, Tyler, I love you, " I held him in my arms as tears stained our faces.

"Troye," Tyler mumbled and held up his wrist. It was bleeding everywhere and the cut looked too deep.

"Tilly!" I cried, "Tilly, don't you leave me."

"Tyler, Tyler, don't do this!"

"I'm sorry Troye," Tyler got out, "I love you," and he passed out in my arms.

-

"911 what's your emergency?"

"My boyfriend tried to kill himself and I think he cut too deep."

I cried as I held unconscious Tyler in my arms.

Suddenly, I heard a noise, "Troye, Troye, Troye,"

My eyes fluttered open. It was all a dream.

I heard myself screaming and flailing my arms everywhere.

"Troye," Tyler looked at me with worry in his eyes.

"Troye, what happened, what's wrong?"

"I- I had a dream that you- you - you killed yourself," I cried into his chest.

"Troye, shh, boo, it'll be alright, I'm here," Tyler muttered soothingly into my ear.

"Tilly, my night tremors, they never stop, that's why I don't sleep," I whispered, tears still falling down my cheeks.

"I know, babe, shh, just calm down, I'm here, I'm here, I didn't leave, I won't leave" Tyler rubbed my back.

In that moment, I realized how grateful I was to have Tyler in my life, and how awful it would have been if I actually had lost him.

A/N: OH MY GOD GUYS IM LITERALLY SOBBING

i was gonna leave you with a cliff hanger but i had a good day sooooo :)

also sorry its so short :\

but my reads are going up so much holy shit ?? i cant thank you guys enough!

i have off the rest of this week from school so maybe more updates??

follow ma tumblrrr plz <3 yell0wy-bearr.tumblr.com

and ma twitter is @oktroyler_

also if you ever wanna converse with me my kik is @tinmac11

love you guys so much omg

-kristen