Blink

Then: Spitting Salt

I coughed. Hard, tasting blood and salt and mud and panic that I didn't recognize. My lungs burned, like they were filled with hot coals. Hot coals that had dried my mouth and obstructed my throat. Slowly, I opened one eye. The left one. And then sat bolt upright.

My vision burning, I coughed again, spitting something frightful. Salt water, and damn it, that hurt. That was when both my eyes started to focus again, really taking in my surroundings. And I choked.

I was sitting in a smooth, cool half-foot of water. Shoving a chunk of mud-encrusted hair out of my face, I fumbled onto my feet. The water was halfway up my shins, seeping through my running shoes and turning them into fixed, insistent dead weights. Mom? I thought questioningly, desperately. Oh God. Oh no. Where are you? Where am I?

It seemed, whichever direction I whipped my head in, that the now knee-deep ocean stretched into an insurmountable infinity. It was oddly peaceful. Shockingly soundless. Totally uniform, except for the blazing sun that was painting the sky every shade of red and gold. I shivered, slowly, my brain still lagging behind my vision. I couldn't properly process what I was seeing, what I was hearing. No, listening now, paying attention, it was nothing. I could hear absolutely nothing. But there wasn't anything on my mind, trapped inside my head, to be afraid of. My fear and anger had vanished without a trace, like the ocean an hour before.

I looked stupidly down at my feet, and realized, not half as scared as I should have been, that the water had now risen above my knees. My mind chugged sluggishly forwards, and… The tide. It was coming out of nowhere. No, not nowhere, but out of the ground. As if the sand had sucked up all of the water, and had now decided against its taste and was spitting it back out. 

"Oh my God," I said, out loud, even though there was no one to hear me. "Oh my God." I wheeled around, head still spinning, squinting dizzily into the sunset. My desire to make up for my stupidity had blinded me in the exact same way the anger always had. I didn't stop to think, not in the heat of my panic. I was stupid. So stupid. Mom would be long gone, though I knew (now, now that my head had cleared) she wouldn't have left me on the island. She never would have left me. No, Mom would still be on land, in a panic, looking, searching… 

And here I was. In the middle of the fucking ocean accompanied only by the rapidly rising tide. 

That's when I started to laugh, laugh harder than I ever had in my entire life. I was going to die, standing here, shivering,  shuddering, mumbling to myself. For some reason, this was hilarious. I was going to die in the middle of nowhere, surrounding by miles of endless ocean, with no one to hear me scream. I was going to drown. I laughed even harder, maybe hoping I would choke on my own mirth first. Water crushing into my lungs, playing with my hair, pushing and pulling, tugging and taking. Draining every last thought. Every last breath.

I fell forwards onto my knees, the tide lapping at my chest. Something, maybe shock, had muffled my ears. Die, die, die. The words echoed like a heartbeat inside my head, and they tickled my ears and fuzzed out my eyes. My breathing stopped as I started to choke on my own fear, quenching the helpless, hysterical laughter. Mom. I was never going to see her again. I was never going to get to apologize. And that very thought grabbed onto the front of my soaked, see-through shirt, and yanked me to my feet. 

"I can't die!" I screamed at the sky, letting the sound burn my throat. Clear my mind, as the chant of, die, die, die was torn painfully from my head. "I can't fucking die, because I want to apologize!"  But, even standing in my watery grave, I was selfish. Allowing myself to be selfish. "And I've never been to China, like I always wanted! And I've never had a boyfriend! And I never got to say goodbye! To anyone!" I started running again, tears streaming down my face, where, I didn't know, but moving with purpose was just a little comforting. Even though I didn't know where I was going, and the water sucked at my legs, slowing me down. Even though I spat salt at the setting sun. Even though I could hear nothing but my own breath.