Welcome to Paradise // Billie Joe Armstrong // #Wattys2017

Bouncing off the walls

Mike's death was terribly hard for all of us. Not only had we lost our best friend, we had learned how fragile we were in a world like this. It had showed us how momentarily life had become. Death was all around us, more inevitable now than ever before.

Even Tre, who had been so over-excited about the whole zombie-apocalypse thing, was more quiet than I had ever seen him in my life. Our senses were sharpened like knives; every sound put us up on our feet within seconds. Sleep was a luxury we were no longer able to afford.

Besides the constant fear that terrorized us, there was tension. Partly that tension was driven by our lack of rest, but it was awakened by a question that haunted us all: who was to blame for Mike's death?

The blood was on either Tre's or my hands. Or on none of ours, but that seemed to be out of the question at the time.

Of course, I blamed Tre for what had happened. He could've easily released himself from the situation he was in to save Mike, but the self-centered asshole had been too busy with his entire apocalypse-fantasy world to even notice what was going on around him. I was engaged with saving my wife.

It was pretty clear who's shoulders carried the most weight.

However, Tre's view on the situation was entirely different from mine. It had been me who was the closest to Mike and Addy had been doing just fine on her own, he claimed.

Our constant reproaches to each other weren't expressed in any verbal arguments, but consisted mostly of tense silence. It was the silence that, once again, nearly drove us insane. Looking back on it, I realize it affected Addy the most.

Caught up in my own, mourning self, I wasn't aware of that back then. The only thing on my mind at the moment was the death of my best friend and how it affected me. If only I would've given one thought worthy to the people around me, maybe I wouldn't be looking for Adrienne right now. Maybe she would be here with me, safely tucked away in the folds of my arms.

But I didn't pay attention to her. And neither did I pay attention to Tre.

I rather not think about it, but it might've escalated up to a point where we parted ways. Although that still wouldn't explain the gaping wound in my side...

---

"I don't know it anymore either" Billie finishes his story.

I let out a sigh containing bitter disappointment and frustration. All I ever wanted was the man that made me feel better about everything that sucked in my life, but I never realized it would bring so much trouble along. This is not at all what I had signed up for.

For some reason, I had this image in my head of him being a perfect human being; talented, kind, sexy as fuck. The overall energy that radiated off of him was the one of a man who had his life together, but after spending a couple of weeks in his company I learned all of that was just a cast built around his fragile insides.

Initially, I wanted nothing more than to help him and make him feel like he wasn't alone in this, I was there with him and I wouldn't leave his side.

However, something has changed. Maybe my selfish personality has surfaced once again, or maybe fear and doubt have taken control over my mind. I'm starting to think the brick wall I wanted to tear down so badly was never a wall that stood between Billie finding his wife.

It was a wall that stood between me and the poor, delusional thought that I had to escape. I think I really did manage to tear it down.

It was a giant leap I took, leaving the school and everything that provided some sense of comfort behind. I recall myself getting insane there, craving affection of some sort. I have the affection now, more than I could've wished for. I even managed to provide help to the man I cared for so much, something I never thought I'd ever be able to do.

The only problem is that none of it gives me any sort of satisfaction. Maybe a momentarily satisfaction, but nothing permanent. All of these mixed feelings have led me to think it might be better for me to go back, return to my solitary world and pretend none of this ever happened.

However, it did happen. It's something I can't ever erase from my mind and I can't abandon Billie either. What excuse would I give? Sorry, I've come to the conclusion I rather spend my life being alone than being with someone I care for?

It sounds like the most ridiculous thought someone can ever have. Maybe I just need a good slap in the face to come to my senses again, but what if these are my senses. What if this entire situation was the slap in the face I needed to have?

Is it truly the case that I'm not made to be around other people? That it's best for me to spend my time alone and count away the days until I die in solitude? I'm in a desperate need of clarifying answers, but they seem so far away at the moment. Or maybe they're closer than I think.

Maybe they're right next to me.

A/N: ergh, this was sort of a short chapter. I'm sorry if it took too long or if it sucks or anything. I have a lot on my mind at the moment and I'm hella buisy with school.

Either way, stay sexy, vote, comment or whatever and I'll see u all in the next chapter

Love, Nina