fragments

femininities

this is a bit different and deeper than my usual stuff and a lot of emotion lies in it so i hope you enjoy!

               real/years and years

(lowercase intended)

when you first see them, you freeze.

they're tall and red and all leather and ties and they look so inviting.

He wears them like it's second nature, struts around confident in himself, all laughs and giggles and a couple flirty stares and it makes you wish you were that confident.

they make your blood boil;but not in the typical, boy-ish way.

they make your toes curl and goose bumps raise themselves all over you because it's "wrong".

in your mind, it's embedded as "wrong."

filed somewhere deep in the dusty drawers of your mind, thigh high boots are meant for girls. the same way makeup is.
and boys.

but you learned how to set fire to the endless stacks of paper too long ago to give it up now and  as you stare at him strutting, it's like a lighter sets everything off in flames.

you see it in the back of your mind and you feel them engulfing you. the heat surges through you and you know you've made up your mind.

you make quick strides towards the second pair and grab it, feeling the sleek leather on your fingers.

you tremble as you untie your laces and put your shoes aside and you have to give yourself a moment before you start putting the boots on.

for everyone else, this is just fun and games. dress up, in a sense.

but for you, it's more.
oh it's so much more.

it's like you enter another world and a different mindset. one that you long ago locked in the back of your head because you weren't supposed to be like this.

it makes you feel different and confident and terribly feminine.

the word hurts when it hits you.

it's bright red in your mind, bright red like the shoes that you know will hunt you later.

feminine.

it reminds you of flowers, of girls.
long hair and bright smiles and pretty dresses.
it's endearing but dangerous to you.

still, you pull up the zipper quickly, before your thoughts get the best of you.

when you stand up in them, it's like you see the world with different eyes.

and no, it's not just because the 9-inch stiletto heels make you taller.

you're someone else, someone new, someone no one really knows.

you're desired, beautiful and lethal as poison.

you walk around in a shy manner at first but then with ease and poise, like you were mean for this all along.

when you  have to take them off, you dread it.

the power in you slips away and soon enough you're back to him.

you touch your hair instinctively and put on a bright smile, mitch securely under your arm.

cause you're scott.

and you're strong and mascular and all man.

right?