I'm Not Crazy

~1~ Loss and Pain

Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Or am I just paranoid?

Green Day – Basketcase

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Wednesday - May 26th - 10:02 am

In less than a minute from now, I am about to have my first officially recorded full-blown anxiety/panic attack. In the last year I've had a few little minor episodes before the "Big One" hits home with a vengeance today. But because I didn't know what they were before, I just ignored all the warning signs.

I just dismissed those anxious feelings as I was probably 'just PMS'ing' ...a relatively recent event in my life. Or that I was just super stressed out about nothing and being "over-emotional" about nothing much. So when the "Big One" finally hits home in a few seconds? I will have absolutely no clue what I am in for. 

A katabatic descent into pure terror and madness. That will take me on a wild ride straight through hell. Then drop me off into a darkness so deep inside me, that I don't know if I will ever breathe right again.

As to the Trigger for this first massive anxiety attack? That is a pretty simple explanation actually. I've lost my most prized possession, a pair of golden wings that once belonged to my father. (As to the actual cause? Well that's a bit more complicated to just jump into right away? But don't worry I'll get there eventually. After all, that is what therapy is for, right?)  

The Golden Wings in question were my father's flight wings, his Naval Aviator Insignia, to be precise. Before he died my father was a helicopter pilot in the Navy, and those Wings represent his highest achievement as a combat pilot. Well, before flying into enemy fire getting killed and dying.

They are an irreplaceable memento mori, as they were on him when he died over there. They were returned to me personally at his funeral, by a member of his flight squadron. Who told me that my father was brave. That he wanted me to have his Wings, so that they would make me strong and brave ...just like him.

To me, they look exactly like I imagine what his angel wings look like in heaven. So I wear them on a simple ball and chain necklace, just like the kind that come with dog tags. They are the last real connection I have with my dead dad. So I guard them religiously, touching them a hundred times a day... both consciously and unconsciously.

But today, while I was in PE class running around in stupid circles with the rest of the rabbits, my father's flight wings have been stolen out of my locker. So how do I know they've been stolen, and that I didn't just lose them somewhere? Because they were His ...and I only take them off three times a day. 

I take them off when I sleep ...sort of? I guess if I am telling the truth, I take the necklace off and wrap it around my wrist with the wings clasped in my fist. That way they are the last thing I see at night, and the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning.

I also take them off just before I shower. Where I hang the chain on the inside of the bathroom cabinet mirror, before stepping into the warm water to wake up. Then they go right back on again, just after I try comb the tangles out of my hair.

Last but not least, I am forced to take them off during gym class. But only because they make me. Because apparently I am too stupid to safely wear a necklace without choking myself to death while running laps. And these are the only three times that the Wings are out of my sight : sleep, shower...and gym class.

So every day just before every gym class, I take the wings off and place them in my locker for safekeeping until I can return. I have a very specif regimen for securing my Wings, one that I follow religiously and never deviate from. After removing the necklace, I safely secured the Wings in the front pouch of my backpack, with the zipper zipped up good and tight. Then I close the locker door tight and spin the combo lock no less than three times to the left. Then kiss my fingers once and tap the lock twice for safe keeping.