I'm Not Crazy

~29~ Crazy Crime Scene Clean Up 101

He came into your apartment
He left the bloodstains on the carpet
You were struck down by
A smooth criminal

Alien Ant Farm ~ Smooth Criminal

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Connie vacuums up all the glass and dumps all the knives into the dishwasher. After which the kitchen finally looks good enough to pass muster for now. Even though I know that I'll be finding little slivers of glass slicing into my tippy toes for weeks to come, but at least most of the major shards are gone. Then I watch in fascination as Connie pulls a crazy trick that I have never seen before. But one I will become intimately all too familiar with over the next decade of my life: The Crazy Duct Tape Trick.

The duct tape trick is a simple crime scene clean up technique that Buddy taught him. You take two long pieces of duct tape and make lazy loops out of them. Then wrap the loops around the toes of your shoes, with the sticky side out. Which if done right, ends up looking like very silvery space-age elongated elf shoes. After which all you simply roll the tape around, poke your toes in the corners or whatever. Where the sticky side of the tape will pick up all the minute shards.

Truth be told, with everything said and done it's a pretty damn impressive trick. Because let's face facts, this is not the first time glass has been shattered to shards in the House of Crazy ...nor the last.

So with the broken glass minefield taken care of, I head over to the broom closet by the front door. Where I start to pull out the mop from the broom closet to work on the blood splatter all over the floor. But Connie stops me short before I can get halfway to the kitchen sink to run the water.

"No worries, I'll take care of that Sammi. You just sit back and chillax, cause you look way more beat than me." The giant Cossack's concern for me is almost sweet.

Even if I didn't know any better, it's pretty clear that this is by far not the first bloodbath these boys have cleaned up after. Because then I learn my next crazy crime scene magic trick, the "Old Bloody Salt" trick. So it turns out that salt apparently is really good at soaking up stuff. So sprinkle the salt generously over the spilled fresh blood, until completely covered. Then just let the salt sit and soak up the blood, preferably after you have checked on the emotional stability of the beer.

The salt crystals will literally suck the wet blood right up. Turning the salt into a really pleasant pink color, not totally unlike that expensive Fu-Fu Himalayan sea salt. After the salt finishes sucking, simply sweep up the mess, no-muss-no-fuss. But for those really hard to explain set in bloodstains? Just use a little warm water for an extra salt scrub. And walla, you can wash away your next murder scene without the telltale smell of bleach and ammonia! Who knew, right?

So while Connie is wiping up the last of the sea-salt blood speckles off the hardwood floor. I begin to note that Mr. More-Words is having some trouble meeting my eyes.

"Okay Connie, it's just you and me now." I frown down and the big goon. "So start talking and explaining all this insanity to me, in a way that even I can understand it. Starting with what the hell just happened with Billy?"

"Um, Billy sometimes just gets a little too angry and turns..." Connie pauses sweeping up salt to search for the words to express an emotion.

"...fucking homicidal?" I finish the crazy thought for him.

"Yeah Con, I think I got that part figured out already." I drone dryly. "But what I need to know is why? And how the hell do I stop him if it happens again?"

"You know, just in case you two idiots aren't around to pin him down to the ground?" I explain the obvious flaw. "Cause I don't think that Jedi mind trick bullshit I just pulled earlier is gonna work like new magic every time. So help me out here Connie, what am I missing?"