I'm Not Crazy

~17~ Meet My Monster McMutherf*cker!

Ya see, I'm Irish, but I'm not a leprechaun
You wanna fight, then step up and we'll get it on
You gotta right to the grill,
A descendant of Dublin with titanic skill
I ducked and I swing, next thing your jaw's broken!
Punk I ain't jokin', you can bet you'll be chokin'

"Top O' the Morning to ya" ~ House of Pain

♣♣♣

From out of nowhere, a big black shadow comes flying past me like the wind. Dillon's whole body is suddenly slammed sideways into the lockers by the Monster's muscular bulk. With his pretty pretentious face smashed against my locker door, like a dead bug on a car windshield. The Monster's face is full of red rage, right next to Dillon's strained pained face. Billy's low deep voice is seething rage into a rapid whispering hate hiss right into the side of Dillon's withering face.

"Shit stain! I motherfucking warned you to stay the fuck away from her, or else! Now you will fucking burn!" Then Billy starts seething sweet nothings right into Dillon's ear like they are intimates.

While I can't hear what the rest of these sweet nothings consist of, the effect is instantaneous. Dillon's face completely drains of color, leaving him pale and shaky as a ghost. Albeit a ghost with a bright red palm print from where my Magic Hand made that slap-cracking sound on the side of his face.

Sadly the intimate moment between them doesn't even last long enough for the rest of the kids in the hall to recover from their shock. The first sweet serenade notes of "Fight-Fight-Fight" chanting barely starts up, before two teachers are right there to break up the brawl. The burly boys' gym teacher Coach Grant is straining to pull Billy off the now truly terrified Dillon.

"McCray office now!" Coach Grant barks and gives Billy a solid shove down the hall away from the fray. While old Mr. Henley my homeroom/history teacher is holding Dillon up by the arm from fainting like a little girl.

"Mr. Taylor are you okay to walk to the nurse's office on your own?" Old Henley is all over this, treating Dillon like he's the innocent victim of some Crazy assault. I can see in their eyes that they think that the Monster McCrazy has finally snapped and gone on a rampage after some poor innocent village kid.

Frack this crap! Innocent my ass!

So I do the only thing I can think to do under the circumstances. I step back into the fray and let my Magic Hand loose to do its own thing again. The Hand shoots out once more and strikes Dillon right across the mouth again as hard as it can. Which isn't actually very hard really? But good enough to rock his shaking ass two steps back into the lockers again. Then the whole hallway including Old Mr. Henley and Coach Grant stop breathing and turn to stare at me in complete shock.

"You're freaking dead to me! You shit of piece!" I scream at him with all the impotent rage that only a thirteen-year-old girl can bring to bear, and I see the fear bloom forth in his hazel eyes.

As much as I hate to admit this, at that moment his fear feels soooo good to me it's almost intoxicating. So good in fact, I try for a quick coup de grâce kick to the sweet spot. Just like my dad showed me how to do in the backyard at our old house, using my old kickball for practice. But of course, I completely miss the shot because I am out of practice kicking balls. But I do scare him enough that Dillon visibly shrinks back from me and covers himself like he has to pee really bad.

"Miss O'Reilly!" Old Mr. Henley is so aghast, he actually looks horrified at me. Whether his horror is from the intended testicular violence or the pretty pink potty mouth on the girl doing all the violence is up for debate at this point.